Hello Kittyfish & Sandi2!

[BigJohn]

Okay, first off, it doesn't matter a single bit what anyone else thinks. Only what YOU think. You make yourself feel strong and confident in knowing that you are doing what's right. It's the exact same thing she's doing. She's doing what she feels is right.

I agree with you. My last post may not sound like it, but I am very independent and will fight. The problem is that I've got friends and family that are getting sick of this sh*t and are telling me to just D her a**. It's their hurt and anger that is getting to me- I know that I can't let it.

Like so many others have told you, you need to detach. The more you pushed for her to "see reason" the more she became set in her resolve to do her own thing. Think of her as a teenager (which is what they say people in MLC are like). When you tell a teenager they can't do something, they'll do everything they can to show you that they can even if deep down inside they know they can't. It's a process.

I'm way done reasoning with her. I am working hard to detach. She IS like a teenager- I'm beginning to wonder if things may have advanced to a MLC with her. Has anyone heard of an EA and/or a PA evolving into a MLC?

Like the article said that I posted last week. You have to let them come to grips with their own decisions.

So if you knew that she was leaving on this trip that could potentially bankrupt you, you should have set a boundary of not letting her get to your family's finances. Cut her off. Tell her if she wants to continue to spend, then she has to earn her own money.

I agree that she needs to experience the consequences of her actions- that is one of the reasons why I didn't forcibly
stop her from going on this trip even though we couldn't afford it. Another reason was that I didn't want to risk dragging the kids into a huge fight with her. Even if I did stop her from driving and not taking the kids with her, she would have likely gotten a cab to the airport to fly and see OM- she has $500 cash she got from MIL a while back as part of an inheritance. I argued we needed that money to help cover bills and we would get it back for her later but obviously she refused. And I did not have the money or friend/family support to watch the kids while she was gone. Aside from the trip, I have clamped down on the rest of her spending.

Better yet, since she crossed your boundary of her not seeing the OM, I would pack her bags where she can find them waiting for her when she gets back.

I with you a 100% on that! I would love to do that! Here is the problem: 1. Neither of us has the money to get her an apartment, 2. None of her friends or family members want her a** at their place (I know because I've asked.) and 3. I can't physically force her out of the house as we are co-owners. She refuses to voluntarily move out on her own- the excuse is "I'm not going anywhere without the kids". So that leaves us with in-house separation for now. Somehow I don't think making her sleep on the living room sofa when she returns is going to make much if any impression on her.

There are times when you take the Nice Guy approach, then there are times when you take the hardline. Like DB says, do what works. While they're away, write out what worked and what hasn't. Come up with a plan and execute.

Agreed. I am open to any suggestions on hardline boundaries I can impose with my W while on a shoestring budget.

Stuck, I appreciate the feedback. Thank You.