Question about counseling. I have an IC session today. The last couple of sessions, I don't feel like I'm getting much from them. I like my C, but since I seem to have reached a pleateau, at least for now, I'm not sure I am benefiting.
My thought is that I suspend my IC for now and see where my sitch goes.
Anyone had similar thoughts? If so, did you continue C or stop it until you needed it again?
It's fine to take a break from IC. It's also fine to tell your IC that you feel you've reached a plateau, the last few sessions haven't felt productive and ask him/her for insights as to why.
Also, I completely empathize and identify with the current withering of your feelings for your W. I'm not sure if this is the case with you, but I'm going to tell you a piece of my story so you can file it away for 'just in case'.
When things were at their worst with H, I became completely numb. I had no feelings for him because I had no feelings pretty much period. The hurt had been so constant and so intense that shutting down my feelings for him was a defense mechanism to spare me additional pain. That said, it was not a conscious process, not something I had active control over.
Over time, as the pain faded, my loving feelings for him returned full force - even without being near him, without apologies, without him doing one blessed thing to help the process along. In fact, even with him telling me he was seeing someone else. That is the great tragedy of our sitch. I love my husband deeply and completely, and I understand now that I always did.
Be *very* careful about coming to the conclusion that you don't love your W anymore. It may not be an accurate conclusion if you're anywhere near the space I was in.
Apparently, he is unable to forgive me or he is unwilling to look past the fear. If you can at all avoid it, try not to let it get to that place with your W.
Last edited by Dia; 08/11/0902:27 PM.
The trouble with having an open mind is that people put things in it.
My sitch - Divorce Busted! http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1804137#Post1804137
You could be right. I don't feel numb like I did right after everything hit the fan. And I do still have feelings for my W. I'm just not sure exactly what they are. And they seem to be withering/running out? I don't know. Right now, I think my feelings are salvageable, but down the road...who knows.
I know I am not giving up, at least not right now.
Keeping you and your family in my prayers. Again, I'm really sorry to hear about your grandmother. Just know that whenever the worst happens, she will be in a much better place.
And will there come a point where she may act too later - after my feelings for her have withered?
Your wife is way ahead of you on this. Her feelings have withered. So is what she saying script or you? Does it really matter? Don't fall into the same trap, it's neither healthy or productive.
Get ahead of her on this curve. You are dead in her eyes, your marriage is dead and she has lost hope. What can she do to hurt you now? You are already dead. To get out of limbo you have to take action, shake things up and pay attention to what gets a healthy reaction.
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Since then, I think I just angered myself into detaching.
Try loving yourself into detaching. You can still care, love and cherish your wife and detach at the same time.
Feelings can change quickly. Emotions can be influenced. Make your mind up on what you want then do what you think is best for you.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Well, had my IC session today. Nothing special. C did note that W's resigning her job is inconsistent with leaving the M. No guarantees, but in his experience, with independent minded women (my W definitely falls into that classification), they want to establish their independence, and fight very hard to keep it. One of those areas is being financially independent.
Anyway, did set my next IC session for six weeks out - C agreed I had hit a plateau, that I shoudl try to work in some dates with W. He also said although he did not think I was there yet, he could see the need to bring up the R if I got to a place where I felt like I was falling out of love with my W. I mentioned I was not quiting on the M, but could feel my attraction to W waning.
So on the date front, my W and I are big foodies. We love to cook and watch a few shows on The Food Network, one being Alton Brown's Good Eats. He is taping a 10th anniversary special here in town in late August. I will pick up tickets and set up the sitter, then tell her I have tickest and see if she wants to go.
W is continuing to warm up. More conversation. Like I told my C today, she seems more like the W of old (the good parts). She asked me tonight if I would be willing to let us have a cat. We have 2 dogs, and I have never had a cat. The kids have been talking about getting a cat all summer. I asked some questions, and then said it would be ok. Point is, she asked me, just like she asked me about the cake decorating class she will soon start.
Like I told the C, the separate bedrooms appears to be her last impenetrable fortress. No signs of any wavering there. I'm not pushing this. When she's ready, I think I will know. In the meantime, I will continue to live my life and enjoy it.
Sounds like a great plan. I'm in the same boat as you. In the times when I start losing attraction again, I ramp up the flirting even when I don't feel like it.
It throws her off, but she hasn't had a negative reaction to it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
