my last thread

[haphazard]

Hi LL,
{{{{LL}}}}
Like you I have been weaning myself away from this board, feeling sometimes that I need to concentrate away from the board to get things right

seriously though...h puts up a very good front...mr. confident...fears nothing. but that can't be true can it? if he were so confident and secure then why would something like a new home and second child push him to run off and have an a and then choose to leave his family?

For a man things like home and family can actually be very scary and can smack of dare-I-say-it failure. I know this from my own H's actions and some talks I have had with my FIL.

I think many men see themselves growing up as Superman or James Bond or some incredibly cool guy without the day to day grind of home and family to stop them from saving-the-world. Does Superman push a pram? Does James Bond go home to a nice cosy dinner with Mrs Bond?

Now this has finally clicked with me I keep calling H my superhero whenever he does something with the kids or just tell him it takes real guts to stick by wife and family and he is more my superhero now than he would ever be by doing wild heroic deeds.

This kind of ties in with why they don't want to be vulnerable with us, they need us to see them as a kind of hero - not as someone weak.

Also the stuff on your previous thread about everytime you pull away from H he comes back to you. This is me and H exactly. I think mars and venus is very good on this. I am now starting to realise that giving H some space and leaving him to relax in peace is a way of showing him I love him, when he has these needs met that is when he comes forward and starts to meet my needs too.

It is because we women cannot fathom the idea of wanting space AWAY from our loved ones that we see it as rejection. It isn't rejection it is just something they need. Weird though this may seem I am actually finding some merit in behaving a little like a 50's wife and doing little things like pulling up the footstool for him and making him a snack before disappearing with an indulgent smile to leave him to it. BLEAGHH!!!! I know but he loves it and it gets results. We seem to be getting closer because I am now behaving in this way that my whole psyche and up-bringing etc finds completely alien.

Because it works I am no longer resenting it, and I find that my need to nurture him and feel needed by him is being satisfied by doing these little acts in replacement for the cosy chats I would prefer.

As a result I now finding him getting less stressed by having chats with me. When he looks bored by us talking I try not to feel exasperated and just try (hard as it is) to give him space again, finish the conversation on a light note - say something like you look a little too tired for conversation I'll go read my book and give him a smile and a squeeze of the hand to show I am not feeling pissed about it.

I think now that he is seeing me reading his signals and understanding when conversation is not what he wants he feels safer in a conversation with me, he feels it won't go on forever and get tiresome to him I guess.

This has gone on too long - sorry to hijack your thread. I do see such a lot of similarities in our sitch LL and I hope I can practise what I am preaching here - LOL.
You are very a very honest person LL, honest with yourself and honest with others and that takes a lot of guts.

I am wishing you luck in case one or other of us doesn't come back here.

take care


Fran