I have read DR and have been monitoring these forums for a while and they have been a great help. However, I am not exactly sure how to handle my specific situation.
Here it is: My wife has developed an EA over the past 2 years. I had suspicions of it before, but really became fully aware of it in January. The affair began shortly after we had our second child and we were having some real difficulties in our marriage. We both have demanding jobs, 2 children, and general stress were getting to both of us. During those difficult times we tried a marriage counselor; but after a handful of sessions I cut it off because it seemed to be making matters worse (in retrospect, this was a huge mistake).
Fast forward to last December (a month before I really knew of the affair), my wife was diagnosed with major depression and started taking anti-depressents. This ended up being a misdiagnosis and the meds really caused havoc with her moods over the next 6 months. During this time, the OM divorced his wife and really started pressuring W to do the same so they could be together. During this time, she gave me the ILYBNILWY speech several times and talked of seperation etc. Things blew up several times from January through June, but we never did seperate.
We started marriage counseling again sometime in April (I think) and I think it helps some. In fact it was this counselor that suggested W go back to Psychologist and get another diagnosis. She did and was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. The anti-depressants were causing her to rapid cycle (which means her moods were aleways in flux and it was difficult for her to think rationally). She started taking a new regimine of meds in mid-June. This seemed to help our marriage and things really seemed to be on the mend through early July. But then she had a severe allergic reation to the new med and she had to be taken off it immediately; this wreaked havoc in her moods again. She began talking of seperation again and I began reacting badly which didn't help. She was immediately started on a new med, but it takes a while to be titrated up to a theraputic dose.
Anyway, I think the new med hit a theraputic dose a couple of weeks ago. Her moods have been much more stable recently. During this time, she has renewed her interest on working on our marriage. I have read DR and have taken the advice of not pursuing her or talking about the relationship. Things have been moving in the right direction for us.
So my problem is this: I know she still talks to the OM daily (often 2 or 3 times). I am suspicious (but can not confirm) that she has seen him a couple of times over the past 2 weeks as well. After she crashed because of the allergic reaction, I was giving her a pass on the OM (she was essentually a mental mess). However, I know this EA has to end before we can fully heal. Since I have stopped talking about the OM, things have been getting better.
I think DR said to not change something if it is working, so I am not sure I want to discuss the OM. However, at some point I need to make it an issue, right? Now that she is stable, how much time should I give her before making it an issue? I would really appreciate some advice.
