I want my Monkey and Sheep Back

[beepee]

journaling..

I hate X. I'm feeling really angry right now. I'm trying not to let his stupid email get to me. "Very very little time to spare" my ass!!

Well now that he's gotten back to me, I don't ever have to email him again. He already knows to pick up his stuff. He already knows I'm not signing his forms. ITS OVER!

I feel liberated yet still trapped at the same time. I've chosen not to pursue our R/M anymore because, well, I don't like the person he's become and looking back at all the things he's done to me, I don't want anything to do with him right now. Its a good thing that he rarely contacts me because NC is what I need right now. I need to be free of him, clear my head of thoughts about him. That way I can truly move on.

I remember posting on here about how much I wanted some form of contact with him because I never got any and wished that it would come true and it did and it was all unnecessary. Maybe it was a sign, something telling me that this is not good for me and in order for me to truly recognise that, I was given what I had wished for and it made me see that I don't want or need this/him in my life. So in a sense, it actually WAS NECESSARY to go through the pain of those emails and accusations etc. I'm very glad that it happened, it has steered me into an entirely different and new direction, one that I know will lead me to happiness.

Who knows what the future will hold. Maybe we'll be friends, maybe we won't. Either way, it doesn't matter to me right now. I just want to be happy, I want to live again and I'm going to. I promise myself that I will never, ever, allow anyone to take away my happiness. I hate this feeling of not being in control. I have lost control of myself for the past few months and its going to take awhile to fully get it back but once I do, I'm never ever going to let it go.

Life is too short, there's so much that I want to do and see, to experience. I have so much love to give and I will give it to someone who wants it and who will treasure it, not to someone who is running away from it. I will always remember and cherish the good times with X but that chapter is over, but that is ok. It was a lesson to be learned and an experience that I know will lead me to a more fulfilling, happy existence.