Just want my H back

[pearlharbr]

Just a reminder, I did not strictly adhere to DB techniques so your sitch may be completely different.

Let me go back and clarify my sitch. I was not successful at loving detachment. When I let go it was because I was done with the R and moving forward with my own life. I had a moment of clarity when I realized I was not willing to ignore BF's cheating. I had to regain my self respect and immediately packed him a bag and kicked him out that night. After that I continued my GAL activities and started making plans to split the possessions and move out of state.

During this time I did go dark. I think there was no communication for almost a month except for financial matters. Then when he started wanting to come over I said sure, but made arrangements to be gone when he was here.

So back to you.

I haven't responded yet, but thought a friendly reply in a few days couldn't hurt..and make it light and happy and that i've been busy.

That is textbook DBing and a good plan. Just keep it short and don't provide a lot of details, keep him wondering what you're up to that's making you so happy.

That's why I wanted to talk to one of his friends, b/c I felt if they could give him hope/encouragement, he might not be so apt to walk away.

You need to reframe your thinking. Stop thinking about ways to get him to change. I may sound like a broken record but it bears repeating: this is the time to focus on you. You can only control yourself. The goal is to be a woman only a fool would leave. That way you will enter your next R as the best possible person whether it is with your H or someone else.

Perhaps I should just let him reach out to me as he sees fit, respond in kind, and leave it at that.

Bingo.

Your GAL activities sound good. Have you tried anything new? Done something to stretch outside your comfort zone? We've talked about what H's complaints were about you, now what are the things you'd like to change about yourself?

In terms of moving, yes if we were 100% done I would probably start getting things in motion to move to CA. But I'm just not there yet..it's hard for me to pick up my entire life when it's not over till it's over. I get away from Boston as much as I can, but felt like giving it a couple extra months to see where things pan out (when i'm not pursuing him, and to see if we could start up a friendship or anything).

I totally understand this. Can you try to start casually looking for jobs or places to live? Sometimes it's just fun to shop for real estate.

How to totally detach when you still love someone?

Again, this was the hardest part for me. When I started here I found some others who were struggling with detachment so we had our own thread to exchange ideas and support each other. Did you read that article I gave you? It really is excellent. This is the key: "Ability to maintain an emotional bond of love, concern and caring without the negative results of rescuing, enabling, fixing or controlling."

Some of the 180 stuff is also confusing to me. He thought i was selfish in my marriage so i've been more giving during our separation, letting him use my car and then he started coming and going as he pleased in our home, being kinda ungrateful and asking me for money. I could have given in but sometimes I held me ground, and then he'd call me names. At this point, do you think it's futile to try 180 and I should more detach/go dark.

I do understand how confusing it all is. Since I initiate the conversation 98% of the time (I'm very chatty!) I stopped. BF said I was being very cold and distant. Sigh. So the 180s I think you have to choose and execute thoughtfully. I read on someone's thread that you should not do anything now that you aren't prepared to do forever. Also, make the changes that you think make you a better person. If you think you were selfish (you know that's a problem of mine) then be more giving but don't be a pushover. It's imperative that you maintain your self respect throughout all of this.

Remember that the last resort technique is just that--the last resort. You shouldn't try it until you're ready because any waffling will severely set you back. If you've done the 180s and haven't seen any results then I would go ahead with going dark.

Enough of a novel for you?