Thank you for your words of wisdom...I needed the kick on the butt
I will be honest...The thing that most worries me is that by acting like that he will think I am "done" with him and us and then there won't be a chance for our marriage...
That is why I have such a hard time I think with all the DBing and the 180's and the GAL...Showing him I don't need him and he in turn has the FT sitting there "needing" him so why would he choose me?
I am doing better then I was when I first got on here but I still have the fear of losing him based on my reactions to him...That sounds stupid I know but it is what I feel.
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
I will be honest...The thing that most worries me is that by acting like that he will think I am "done" with him and us and then there won't be a chance for our marriage...
We've all thought that at one time or another I bet...It's not true...They have no reason to change anything if they think we're there for them whenever THEY need us.
Just remember doing this is for you and your life not his.
Me:40 W: 39 T: 17 years M: 15 years S-9 D-6 D final 11/10/2009
"We are all faced with a series of great opportunities brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems."
SD - I will be honest...The thing that most worries me is that by acting like that he will think I am "done" with him and us and then there won't be a chance for our marriage...
That is why I have such a hard time I think with all the DBing and the 180's and the GAL...Showing him I don't need him and he in turn has the FT sitting there "needing" him so why would he choose me?
Don't beat yourself up...remember, be gentle with yourself. We all feel that way in the midst of this, that's why so many people say DBing feels counterintuitive.
I'm not saying take an eff-you attitude, just an independent attitude. An I'd prefer to be with you, but I'll be just fine and dandy without you if it comes to it attitude.
Confidence and strength are sexy. Neediness is not. Plus, men like the chase...people like the chase. It's why, even though we were not particularly happy in our M, we suddenly feel a rush a love and panic when the bomb is dropped.
Your H already left the you that is the pleaser, yes? I want you SO MUCH to know your value, your worth. Not intellectually, but in your gut. I had this intense experience after a big IC session where my C pointed out I criticized myself constantly, which was completely true. My value (in my mind) was dependent upon others bestowing it upon me instead of just inherent.
Well, I was walking into Michael's craft store about an hour or so after the session when it hit me: I am already valuable the way I am now, no changes, flaws and all. I am okay. I am flawed like every other human, but I have value. And I got all tingly and started to cry. It was like the world was cracked open for me that day, and it started a profound healing process for me where I started to act like a valuable person instead of trying to get others to confirm it for me.
This feels like work you need to do...am I off track?
So your H will see this woman who respects herself, has confidence, maybe a sassy little attitude; he will notice how beautiful that makes you look as when we're steeped in happiness and strength it just flows out like nobody's business. And his attention will be drawn.
Meanwhile, Ms. Tramp will sense the energetic shift, the change in attention. SHE will become needy, whiny, angry, clingy...
And who do you think is the more attractive option?
What if you spent some time in the next few days writing a love letter to yourself? What do you love about yourself? Carry it with you and reread it whenever you're feeling weak or sad or whatever.
Remember who you are.
If your H doesn't love who you are, then do you really want to be with him? Is it worth compromising what you want for your life in order to keep him?
My answer was no, and so I embraced my strengths and worked on my weaknesses and decided my best had to be good enough. I discovered how to be happy.
You will too.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
SD - I will be honest...The thing that most worries me is that by acting like that he will think I am "done" with him and us and then there won't be a chance for our marriage...
That is why I have such a hard time I think with all the DBing and the 180's and the GAL...Showing him I don't need him and he in turn has the FT sitting there "needing" him so why would he choose me?
Don't beat yourself up...remember, be gentle with yourself. We all feel that way in the midst of this, that's why so many people say DBing feels counterintuitive.
I'm not saying take an eff-you attitude, just an independent attitude. An I'd prefer to be with you, but I'll be just fine and dandy without you if it comes to it attitude.
Confidence and strength are sexy. Neediness is not. Plus, men like the chase...people like the chase. It's why, even though we were not particularly happy in our M, we suddenly feel a rush a love and panic when the bomb is dropped.
Your H already left the you that is the pleaser, yes? I want you SO MUCH to know your value, your worth. Not intellectually, but in your gut. I had this intense experience after a big IC session where my C pointed out I criticized myself constantly, which was completely true. My value (in my mind) was dependent upon others bestowing it upon me instead of just inherent.
Well, I was walking into Michael's craft store about an hour or so after the session when it hit me: I am already valuable the way I am now, no changes, flaws and all. I am okay. I am flawed like every other human, but I have value. And I got all tingly and started to cry. It was like the world was cracked open for me that day, and it started a profound healing process for me where I started to act like a valuable person instead of trying to get others to confirm it for me.
This feels like work you need to do...am I off track?
So your H will see this woman who respects herself, has confidence, maybe a sassy little attitude; he will notice how beautiful that makes you look as when we're steeped in happiness and strength it just flows out like nobody's business. And his attention will be drawn.
Meanwhile, Ms. Tramp will sense the energetic shift, the change in attention. SHE will become needy, whiny, angry, clingy...
And who do you think is the more attractive option?
What if you spent some time in the next few days writing a love letter to yourself? What do you love about yourself? Carry it with you and reread it whenever you're feeling weak or sad or whatever.
Remember who you are.
If your H doesn't love who you are, then do you really want to be with him? Is it worth compromising what you want for your life in order to keep him?
My answer was no, and so I embraced my strengths and worked on my weaknesses and decided my best had to be good enough. I discovered how to be happy.
You will too.
SD
Nice SD.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
"My value (in my mind) was dependent upon others bestowing it upon me instead of just inherent." You just described me in this one sentence...
I don't feel value most especially since this started, I guess because I always looked to him to value me and I need to shift my focus and see where my value comes from...
The letter sounds like a good idea so I will do that tonight...
I am not sure what I am looking for but hoping it will come to me..
"If your H doesn't love who you are, then do you really want to be with him? Is it worth compromising what you want for your life in order to keep him?"
The answer to that is no....I just need to figure out who the real me is and what I want out of my life for myself and no one else.
Thank you for all your words of wisdom - I truly appreciate them
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
As children bring their broken toys, With tears, for us to mend; I brought my broken dreams to God because he is my friend. But then instead of leaving him in peace to work alone, I hung around and tried to help with ways that were my own. At last, I snatched them back and cried, "How could you be so slow?" "My child," He said, "What could I do? You never did let go...."
- Anonymous
Perfect lesson in patience and God's will
May All Who Seek To Take My Life Be Put To Shame And Confusion; May All Who Desire My Ruin Be Turned Back In Disgrace. ~Psalm 40:14~
" The Courage To Let Go " was awesome! I loved it!!
I know what you mean about acting happy around them. I often wonder the same thing. If I seem to be just fine, will he think she's just fine with everything and think we're doing the right thing about getting a D. You don't want to seem too happy BUT you don't want to seem needy
I just try to find a middle ground and stick to it. Although I wouldn't mind him thinking the reason I'm so happy is because I might be seeing someone after all this time. I wonder if the green eyed monster would ever surface.
