Keystroke logger on computer, phone records. You can also use a cheap cell phone as a GPS tracker - just throw it in her car (ringer off) and you'll know where she really is. You can also use a voice activated tape recorder put under her seat to find out what she's talking about in her car.
Make sure you're really ready -- not for the faint of heart.
Goodluck - I'm always of the thought that I'd rather know the truth, no matter how painful, than make decisions based on lies.
I agree w/everyone. Don't confront her until you have proof (not that you don't have enough cause...).
I want to tell you a story, only because the glimpses of your W that we get are eerily similar to a friend of mine.
OK, I had an acquaintance/friend who was married to a physician. My group of friends include a bunch of physician's wives, and were all friends w/her. I found it odd that they were friends because, around the time that I met her, and socialized with her, I thought she was stand-offish, and a bit of a b*tch. They all kept attributing it to "her medication."
Like it or not, I got to know her and her family better. Her H and kids were darling! She continued to be her above described self. This went on a few years. About two years ago (and three years into our "acquaintanceship") I started seeing her at more kids events, couples events, etc..., and she started to open up, be more genuinely warm, etc... I commented several times to our common friends that I finally get why they liked this woman so much, and realized that it just takes her longer to get to know someone. A few months after this realization, my D18 and I went to an art/dinner auction (D18 had to take my H's spot as he was home throwing up!), and we were seated w/common friends and spouses, and my acquaintance/friend and her H. We had a great night. She and her H bought a fabulous painting, dinner was great, acquaintance/friend "hired" D18 for the summer to handle their kids swimming/golf lessons driving, and all was good.
Two days later, we get the phone call. Acquaintance/Friend checked into a cheapie hotel around noon, left, picked her kids from school (my kids' school) on Monday, went home, and had their Monday night pizza/family game night. She left in the middle of the night, to be found four hours later, alone, stabbed to death, by her own hand.
Her H and common friends explained some of what led her to this point, the month following her death. Apparently she had an EA turn PA, for a brief time (during the stand-off, b*tch stage), was found out by her H, went back and forth between wanting to be home and wanting out, went on meds, and started acting "odd." (Doing weird sort of HAHAHAHA dark room sofa moments) These increased from once, to once every few weeks to weekly, and, then, she just, all of a sudden, got better (during the warm, glad I got to know her stage). Well, apparently, she had figured out how to get rid of the guilt.
Last note, I know someone who works in ER. Her H brought her in once, during the weekly "odd" moments. She was chanting. She was talking about spells, etc..
Not sure if she was listening to Godsmack!
Just my connection, and hoping you don't push her oddness aside, or think a pill will cure, and double hoping you'll check out what she's dabbling in (withcraft! ODDDDD!)
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
innocent intentions on my part. asked my hair stylist for drinks while she was cutting my hair. wasnt planning on it the words just came out of my mouth. dont think she was even thirty. reminding my self to be innocent. I am in a bad marriage and easy. she shows up in a miniskirt. great. drank, talked, said good-bye, went home. cell phone has been vibrating all day.
interestingly. wife asked where I went and washed my clothes for the first time in over a year. women must have sixth sense.
Steve McQueen
oh and you know the words :
"You know you're semi-good lookin' and on the streets again. You think you're really cookin' baby. You better find yourself a friend"
Oh Steve....be careful....not just for you and your W, who I know you're pissed at, but for this hair dresser....she doesn't deserve to be a pawn....know what I mean? Unless she says Hey, use me! I'm young and resilient, it won't bug me, PLEASE PLEASE be careful and be nice to this other person.
All cheaters lie. If your gut (and other people) tell you something is up then something is up. Agree with the others, gather hard evidence before confronting because even faced with that the cheater will lie.
Also agree with Stronger--carefully consider what you are doing with the hair stylist. Positive attention from the opposite sex is a huge ego boost at a time like this, BTDT. But after wondering about W's possible EA/PA are you going to do the exact same thing that you don't want her to do? And the potential OW will end up hurt because you will be using her. Nothing good will come of this in the long run.
If you love somebody, set them free. http://tinyurl.com/2empx2g
2) No one is a 'pawn' in this situation. Social Interactions occur between people all the time. It does not automatically equate to a sexual liason or a relationship. It is simply getting to know someone and knowing yourself better.
3) What I have been doing has not been working. And it is time to try something different. Remember, 180 = do the opposite.
Once your wife tosses aside the marital relationship then begins openly flirting with other men right in front of your face you have several options:
* cry (HA!) * be their friend and hope for the best while they are being someone elses friend (HA! HA!) * call their bluff. drop the rope and get on with your own life.
It is high time she wakes up and realizes that she had a husband that was crazy about her and loved her immensely. The bullcrap has got to stop. There comes a point of ridiculousness when the waiting, the disrepect, and the disregard has gone on for too long. It is emotionally and mentally draining. I did not ask for this and I have done nothing wrong that would require this much of a fight for my marriage. I am done fighting. I would like someone fighting for me for a change.
Now please understand, I did not go scuba diving nor did I have any intention of doing so. If I walked into that situation with the mindset, I am going to bang a cute little hair dresser; I wouldn't be posting here anymore because I would have solved my relationship dilemma and I do not need advice in that aspect of relationships. However, if my wife buys a sexy see-through teddy and is wearing it for someone else or comes home at 4am and her come stained panties are stuffed in the bottom of the hamper, that 40 something will be traded for two 20's quicker than she can say, he's just a friend.
With that said, I would like your advice on how to proceed. MB said, "I have an idea that worked for me/us. It got us out of the miserable stage, and into an enjoyable friendly state." I would like to hear. I am open to alot here. I am not looking for any free haircuts. I have two kids to care about and they are growing up learning how miserable marriage is. It is time to make her open her eyes and realize that.
OK SM, haven't read your entire story, just this section. If I understand this correctly, you've decided to start practicing "Girl-Fu". i.e. Playing the jealousy card.
From all the reading I've been doing here, look up Gucci Loafer's posts to see how it's done correctly.
Basically from my understanding it's done by becoming mysterious and copying her actions. e.g. dressing up nice to go out, acting secretive when a phone call comes in. This is done semi-discreetly enough to raise suspicions and get her attention back.
I'd like to warn you that you DO run the risk of losing her completely if she decides to take revenge. So tread carefully. GL has other good advice too.
Take care. G
M:11 | T:12 | Status: Married 4C's of WAS communication: Cool, Calm, Collected and CONFIDENT
Is what you did with the hairdresser innocent...a smiple social interaction? There's a very simple way you can honestly answer that question: Ask youself this...would I have ever accepted that invitation if things with my wife were normal to good?
There is no way in HELL I would have accepted a man offer to go get a drink UNLESS I would have been able to bring my husband with me. Otherwise, no go on my end.
What if someone goes up to your wife at class and says "Hey W, I saw your H last night. He was at X having a drink with the cutest woman. I didn't say hi though. They looked 'busy'."
What's the difference between that statement to your W and what's been said to you?
Good luck to you Steve. I think if you really believe this: "I did not ask for this and I have done nothing wrong that would require this much of a fight for my marriage. I am done fighting. I would like someone fighting for me for a change." your ride might not be that long. It might just end pretty fast. Obviously there is something wrong with the marriage, at least from your wife's perspective. None of us wants to admit we were possibly a crappy spouse, but something has to give. Happily married people don't go outside the marriage.....
None of us wants to admit we were possibly a crappy spouse, but something has to give.
No. I am starting to believe I must be the lousiest husband on Earth. Any husband who allows his wife to sleep on a mat with a picture of the dalia lama instead of with him has more than a couple of screws loose himself.
I have allowed her and enabled her search for herself and that plan has back fired in my face. It is time for a new attitude. A new prespective. I am just not finding it, myself. SM
