I'm finding the ADs to be pretty helpful - at least in getting sleep and having energy for my day. I was pretty grouchy yesterday
He was just saying "I'm not trying to avoid any responsibility here, I will be there whenever you need me there, but I just want about six hours a day or night to go home and sleep in my own bed..."
Because I told him that I didn't want him to be coming and going whenever he wanted to, that I would actually need help while I recovered. It's not about him coming over and playing with the kids until he feels like not being a daddy anymore. I didn't say it that way though, I promise!
It ended with me saying "I still don't even know why you feel like you had to move out." And he never has an answer for that one. Just something along the lines of "too late for that now". If he had something concrete, like that he was seeing someone else, it would at least be something CONCRETE.
I've decided I'm willing to do this until May 22, 2010 - that is our six-year anniversary. I will be in a lawyer's office filing for legal separation if there is no progress, and that's when his lease is coming up anyway. Too many good guys out there who would actually appreciate me and my family to waste years on the one who won't.
That's why I like following your story - because you're actually getting results, even if it feels like one step forward two steps back... You're getting real feedback from him that he likes what you're doing and you're doing it well...
I'm glad you ahd a great girl's weekend - it sounds like so much fun right now. I could use an umbrella drink myself
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
I understand time frames and then I don't. I'm on the fence about them. What if the break through for you and H was supposed to happen May 30, 2010 and you pulled the cord and he knew you were serious so he gave up too?
My situation didn't start to change until I really truly acted as if. I acted as if I was POSITIVE he was going to come home. That was step one, that I could control.
The other was his addiction to his OW...which I had ZERO control. They work together and she was really just toying with him. As much as it INFURIATED me, I knew it was going no where. And I think he suspected as much too. And things came to a screeching halt in June. I didn't know they would end is such grand fashion, but they did. And fortunately, he was already trying to work on things with us. Sort of half assed at the time, mind you, but effort still. Now it's full assed! LOL!
Things were pretty bad between us. Us DBers, we don't talk too much here about what it was we did to get us to this point, but I know what I did and I regret it. Please understand, I don't like what H did during our separation, but I do believe it was truly his intention to divorce and move on. Not necessarily with this particular person, but he did want out, he did want a divorce. Now I know he's not so sure about that anymore. I've done a lot of GALing and lot of work on me. I figured if nothing else, my S would benefit with me as I made these changes.
You can do this. I think your H is very very confused and freaked out. I think he'll be home soon, if you just keep on track. It is hard, but you're doing great.
I'm being pretty charming... as long as I take my ADs
I do have days where I'm positive he's going to come home... I guess I just need to act as if on the days where I'm not. But I'm getting good at acting as if it doesn't matter either way.
Just looking forward to GALing post-baby... the kind where I can go shake it at the gay dance clubs and drink margaritas
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
So last night H and I had a great night. It was our romantic night. S was great and left us alone by going to bed early. It was fun.
One of his complaints is that I "stopped being fun". And with a lot of thought into it, he's right. I did stop being fun. So I "spiced" things up last night and I'm not sure "fun" is the right word, but we'll use it.
I think H also wants me to go out and party some more. I am not going to do that. I'll go out and have a good time on the few occasions I feel like it. That's not a change I'm willing to make. I like my pace of partying, which admittedly is very slow. I have a drink maybe once a month. I get drunk maybe once every three months or so. It's just not a big thing in my life that I feel the need to do often. So, he can just deal with that and I think he's ok with it. I like to go out, but getting drunk is not part of the process for me. Plus I have a job that if I got a DUI or was with someone who did, I will def. be fired. Can't risk that either.
So, we are up to 6 days of not only NOT fighting, but even having fun when we are together. Being away for the weekend helped a lot....went a long way for both of us.
I signed up for my first tennis tournament, August 20-23. Should be fun and humbling! But really looking forward to it.
LOL!! Don't know if I installed the filter as much as I've decided to truly walk away from some issues. OW being the main one. It helps that contact between the two of them has ceased outside of work. But I'm still expecting there to be some more calls as she gets ready to leave town. I'm just deciding to be ok with it. He is making efforts toward us, and that's what I've wanted for a long time. I'm also trying to come to terms with this not being done in my timeframe. It helps that he has his own place. I actually feel relaxed and OK when he's not at our place. S and I play and clean and do whatever and it's my time, even with S there.
Detaching is probably harder to me than pregnancy and child birth. How about that for a statement?
I can see it - I had a very short and painless (relatively) labor with my first daughter. Have had harder days at work...
Me - 30, H - 32 T - 10, M - 6, D - 1 DD#1 - 4, DD#2 - 2 on/off OW 4/09 - sometime Summer 2010 (Told me about OW 4/10) Separated 6/11/09, divorced 8/4/10, trying again 9/2011
Alright. We are up to 7 days, no fights and quite a bit of fun. H came over last night and won't be home tonight, like normal. He has stuff he has to do today including a possible fight with Comcast as his internet still is not working at his place.
We did the family shower last night, (we had torn the shower/tub out years ago and now have a water park basically, two shower heads with body jets) which we do fairly often. Sounds odd, I know but we enjoy it. Anyways, in the shower we were talking about random stuff including my interview today. He said "I don't know why but I think November, I'll have it all figured out." I asked "Have what figured out?" He said "Everything." I said "Great, you'll be 35 years old and on top of the world if you have EVERYTHING figured out in November." He smiled and said "Yup."
I left it alone. I wanted to ask "Does that mean you think you'll be home by November?" But I didn't. I wish I had now. But no worries.
