Hey all - well now I see why Wifey says to stick to one thread. Sorry about the confusion, I just wanted to put the whining behind me. Anyway, hope this isn't more confusing, but to stick to one thread I'm going to respond here to posts from the old one.
Sandi - yeah, I'm tired, but I'm working to remedy that. I understand what you mean. But, I'm trying to make some space for myself to recover from that. W has regularly talked about how she find me attractive over the past months (not the last two weeks), but she recently said that "we have no chemestry". I think overall, need to work on the PMA and be someone that she wants to be around.
Mary - thanks for the comments and encouragement.
So - W got back from her trip Sunday, after a few hours we packed up the kids to have dinner and meet MIL, the kids are staying there a few days. MIL gave me a lot of support and love. On the drive back, W talked about some of the things like, when are we going to talk to the kids, etc. It was OK conversation. She did a lot of singing along to the radio.
So, when we got home, she mentioned a something that needed to be done - taking out the garbage I guess - when I moved to do it, she said, "You don't have to do everything!" Later, when she dropped something, I moved to pick it up, and she said "I feel like you're waiting on me hand and foot." I just said, "I was right there," but got out of the way and went to read my book.
So, a little later, she started a conversation: "So what do you think about our little arrangement?" What do you say to that? I asked if she's getting the space she needs, and she said "Yeah, kind of. But it's like nothing's changed, except that we're not sleeping together."
So I said, I have no emotional need for you to leave the house. She said "Well, yeah, you have no need for us to seperate at all, so I guess that answers my question."
So - then she says, I'm doing all these things, and she wants to feel guilty because I'm putting in the energy, when she doesn't think it's going to turn out like I want it to. After last time we went through this, I might expect that she's just going to snap out of it, but that's not going to happen.
So, I said, well, that's my choice, and you don't have to feel guilty about it. Which she seemed to accept.
THEN she felt guilty about bringing it up at all, as I was in a good mood reading my book.
So - then she says, I'm doing all these things, and she wants to feel guilty because I'm putting in the energy, when she doesn't think it's going to turn out like I want it to. After last time we went through this, I might expect that she's just going to snap out of it, but that's not going to happen.
So, I said, well, that's my choice, and you don't have to feel guilty about it. Which she seemed to accept.
THEN she felt guilty about bringing it up at all, as I was in a good mood reading my book.
Next time, tell her you are putting in the energy for you, not her.
And that you can't control what she does anyway.
Then go back to your book with your good mood.
This type of behaviour can confuse the WAS. B/c it's not playing out the way they planned.
Well, when W came home tonight, she burst into tears when she entered the house. Told me how she is so sad, how she can't bear to lose me, doesn't want't find a new place to live, is dreading telling the boys.
This is all still her plan. She's just really upset about it. She says she can't draw it out. She said that she hates how she is, that she is so restless - she said she wishes she was one of those women who could make it work.
Well, I told her in any event she's not going to lose me. We did a lot of hugging, holding, comforting. She asked me why I couldn't just get mad at her and be an a$$hole because it would make it easier. I don't know if it was a screw-up but I said to her, I shouldn't say this, but it's because I love you, unconditionally. She still wants us to be there for each other, etc. She said to me, "I care so much about you..."
So she took a bath, came out and watched TV - put her legs on me, and I gave her comfort. Then she went to her room to go to bed.
She asked me if I'd "signed up for the club", I think is how she put it - asking if I was back on this message board.
She's so conflicted that she's going to lose me - by leaving. I know I've got to leave her to figure it out on her own. But it was good to hold on to her for a little while. Seems like she's still determined to do it quickly.
Umm, I guess the experienced posters will weigh in with the tough love vs unconditional love dilemma in due time.
I'm not qualified to say much myself, but it seems to me that you have made yourself too readily available and things way too easy for your W. She really doesn't have a downside, does she?
The amount of conflict she seems to be undergoing ... really seems to be atypical without the presence of an OM.
Me 42 W 39 Married: 11 Jan 1998, T: Since 1992 First Bomb: Sep 2007 Confirmed A/OM: 4 Nov 2007 Kids: D10, S5 Reconciled and together again after (alot of) time and heartbreak. 3rd kid, S, born 2 Jan 2010.
Seems like you're drifting off the reservation a bit here. Don't swing a 2x4 often, but here it comes.
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Well, when W came home tonight, she burst into tears when she entered the house. Told me how she is so sad, how she can't bear to lose me, doesn't want't find a new place to live, is dreading telling the boys.
Uh, well that's too bad. I'm not looking forward to any of that either.
So she can't bear to lose you, but, well, she's gonna do it anyway?
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Well, I told her in any event she's not going to lose me.
NOOOOOOO! Come on man. The whole idea is to give her the impression you are moving on and will be great without her. THAT's what draws her back. You just gave her a free pass to do whatever she wants with no consequence. You need her to feel the pressure, not relieve it.
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I shouldn't say this, but it's because I love you, unconditionally.
Trust me, she knows that.
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She asked me if I'd "signed up for the club", I think is how she put it - asking if I was back on this message board.
I wouldn't tell her anything more about this board or anything about DB. That's for YOU, not her.
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She's so conflicted that she's going to lose me - by leaving. I know I've got to leave her to figure it out on her own.
I don't think she is conflicted she's going to lose you - you told her she won't. That doesn't push her to deal with her conflict.
Bill, I understand why you are doing what you are doing. You love her. But, what you are doing right now is not likely to bring her back. She doesn't need your compassion right now. She needs tough love. She knows you love her and you want to work on the M. What she needs to understand is that there ARE consequences for what she wants to do - consequences for her, you and the kids. And one of those consequences is you will no longer be her husband.
Sorry if that came off too strong. But that's what I think.
