What's up with these women? Are they ashamed of what they are doing? It's true, they don't think anyone will notice when we are living in different houses?
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
In all seriousness, I have gained good insight (again from my former WAW cousin).
They are ruled completely by emotion that they do not even understand themselves at this point. My W has even admitted that there is no logical reason why we are where we are and why she can't see us every being happy together. Just raw emotion.
That's why mindreading is pointless and so is trying to reason with them. Sad...my wife has always been a pretty smart girl too.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
What's up with these women? Are they ashamed of what they are doing? It's true, they don't think anyone will notice when we are living in different houses?
Wouldn't YOU be -- esp. with people at CHURCH???
Orich, I know this is difficult, but you need to have more empathy for what she is feeling in this regard. Our goal as betrayed spouses is to always try to convey BOUNDARIES, and upholding HOLINESS (for those so inclined), without in any way conveying SHAME.
Your wife needs to know that maybe she felt shame when she was WAYWARD, but if she comes back and WORKS on this with you, that anyone who has anything to say about it will have to GO THRU YOU!
My W has always been a woman who had it all together. The youngest of 7, she kept the large family together. WHenever something happens in her family, they all call her for info. She has the entire family as a group in her email so she can update everyone on everything. She was always very responsible. I guess what you are saying is right. The emotion is screwing with the logical. When you realize this, it makes it hard not to want to go in there and try and help her fix it, but this one she needs to fix on her own. It is actually kinda sad. I notice that you sometimes post that you try to see things from her POV. I have been trying to do that lately, and when I look at the past through her eyes, I am not too happy with what I see. Sometimes I forget exactly why it is I'm fighting, seeing only the fight.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Good one, puppy. Anytime I have we have talked about what my parents or sister and brother knows, I tell her that I explain to them that she isn't the bad guy. I make sure they know that I still love her, and am not out to bash her or get people on my side to attack or generally hate her for what she is doing. I always emphasize that WE are in a difficult situation, and are trying to work it out.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
My W has always been a woman who had it all together. The youngest of 7, she kept the large family together. WHenever something happens in her family, they all call her for info. She has the entire family as a group in her email so she can update everyone on everything. She was always very responsible.
O, mine too. Just letting you know it isn't unusual, so you shouldn't attach a lot of significance to your W's prior proclivity for responsibility. It really has nothing to do with her current state of mind.
What's up with these women? Are they ashamed of what they are doing? It's true, they don't think anyone will notice when we are living in different houses?
Wouldn't YOU be -- esp. with people at CHURCH???
Orich, I know this is difficult, but you need to have more empathy for what she is feeling in this regard. Our goal as betrayed spouses is to always try to convey BOUNDARIES, and upholding HOLINESS (for those so inclined), without in any way conveying SHAME.
Your wife needs to know that maybe she felt shame when she was WAYWARD, but if she comes back and WORKS on this with you, that anyone who has anything to say about it will have to GO THRU YOU!
Let her know you have her back.
Puppy
Puppy,
Good post. Any chance you could bounce over to my thread when you have a moment? I'm looking for some ideas on developing boundaries with my W. I'm getting a lot of family feedback about separating from my W at this juncture. We can't afford it financially at the moment but I'm getting shredded emotionally right now. Thanks.
Orich: apologize for the hijack. I'm keeping an eye on your thread. You and your family are in my prayers. Hang in there.
M: 41 W: 39 S: 11 S: 10 D: 4 1st contact w/OM: 1/19/09 EA began: 2/14/09 EA discovered: 3/1/09 I file for D 8/25/09 to protect myself _______________________________
To be honest, I doubt I'll have a chance today, but I'll try. I'm absolutely buried both at work and at home, as I'm flying out to "Big Midwestern City" tomorrow morning and I'm two people down at work.
Thank God for the gym. If I didn't have that, I think I would become an alcoholic. I need to get out of the house most nights now after the kids are in bed. If it were not for the gym, I would probably end up at the local gin mill every night. When I am done with my workout, I feel great, too. Of course, all of the tight workout clothes wearing women there are a constant distraction, but all in all it is a good thing. W is in a pissy mood tonight. She was still up when I returned from the gym. I try to time it so I get home after she is asleep. Anyway, earlier today I found a printed receipt in the printer for the concert tickets that I posted about earlier. I guess we are going with her niece. She hasn't said anything to me yet. Oh well, time for some shut-eye. I wonder if I an going to dream about my first wife again.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Orich, it simply shows what an unrealistic state of mind a WAW is in. That is why I keep repeating myself to remind you to not expect anything logical to come from her mouth or her brain! And, yes there is embarrassment but I think they try to sweep that under the rug as best that they can. I did not reach that point (where other people knew about my EA except for my H, etc.) but I would think that a WAW tries to glamerize everything with the help of her fantasy and thinks OM will be accepted by her world of family/friends and they will live happily ever after. Now, that part I did fantasize about.
I know I tell all of you this several times, but it is my way of trying to give you hope...I look back at how I was from where I am today and it so embarrassing! I would about die if others found out about it. I don't know who that woman was, but she was not the Sandi I had always been or that I am now. So, I'm trying to tell you that there is hope and that your W does not have to stay like this, but most of it is her personal decision. That's not to say your actions won't influence her decisions. It took me a long time.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
