Dear Pearl, Thanks so much for your message and clarifying things for me. There are still aspects of the techniques I struggle with. When you were able to detach, did you fully come to accept that your relationship was over? I wonder if I 'pretended' it was not happening I'd be able to detach (but that doesn't feel authentic to me b/c I still love him and would give anything to be together). Also, how did you handle his correspondence/outreach to you where you were in LRT/going dark? And does going dark mean you have NO communication, even if they reach out to you?
For ex, my H emailed me 2 days ago (I was actually quite surprised) from his travels in Asia to check in and see how I was doing and how my mom was (she had major surgery few weeks ago) and giving me an update on his travels. I'm not reading into this, but he didn't have to email me. I haven't responded yet, but thought a friendly reply in a few days couldn't hurt..and make it light and happy and that i've been busy. I know it's opposite of DR techniques but telling him i've been happy and busy in some ways makes me feel like he's more apt to push away, b/c he'll think i'm fine without him (i think he still has some guilt over the whole thing, i wants to know i'll be OK).
Another idea that confuses me: I read somewhere (i think this was a MWD quote) that "hopelessness is the cancer in marriage." i.e. that when you give up hope there is not much motivation to fix things. I know when H and I initially had troubles, a few of my girlfriends said "don't give up just yet, try this, try that.." and it inspired me and actually we got better for awhile...my attitude and behavior changes and it reflected in our R. That's why I wanted to talk to one of his friends, b/c I felt if they could give him hope/encouragement, he might not be so apt to walk away. But the consensus seems to be that this is not that good of an idea.
I am going to be in the town where his family lives one night next wk, and I almost want to reach out to his mom, or ask him via email if he'd be ok if i met up with her for coffee or something, but i do feel nervous about this. Perhaps I should just let him reach out to me as he sees fit, respond in kind, and leave it at that. If anyone was to talk to him, I think a friend might be safer since his family and i have been a bit rocky over the years.
In terms of myself, beyond traveling, I've been doing a lot of running and yoga and have reached out to friends I have not seen in ages..I try to keep myself pretty busy socially, and those days I put in the extra effort to look good or treat myself in some way (massage, clothing, etc) I feel better.
In terms of moving, yes if we were 100% done I would probably start getting things in motion to move to CA. But I'm just not there yet..it's hard for me to pick up my entire life when it's not over till it's over. I get away from Boston as much as I can, but felt like giving it a couple extra months to see where things pan out (when i'm not pursuing him, and to see if we could start up a friendship or anything). So it's hard to totally figure out what is the right call in this limbo-state.
It's hard not to obsess and I doing the right thing or not. Your experience has been helpful to clarify a few things for me, along with LR and going dark - any further ideas on how you handled - or anyone chime in - would be so helpful. How to totally detach when you still love someone? To what extent does one move on when still married? It's almost like I don't want to move on until I am forced to..but I don't want to rush things. My hope is that out of business school and constant partying he may calm down a bit and let real life, with a job and responsibilities settle in. Who knows?
Some of the 180 stuff is also confusing to me. He thought i was selfish in my marriage so i've been more giving during our separation, letting him use my car and then he started coming and going as he pleased in our home, being kinda ungrateful and asking me for money. I could have given in but sometimes I held me ground, and then he'd call me names. At this point, do you think it's futile to try 180 and I should more detach/go dark. Any clarification on how to handle his outreach/communication to me would also be helpful.
