I don't think children intentionally make themselves sacrificial lambs. They do what they think is right with underlying guilt that somehow they are to blame.
My last post was based on my experience with my ex who is severely bipolar which is managed by medication. Even with that he can be (and is) very nasty and lashing out to those who accept it (which I did in our marriage). I viewed it as 'tapping into his manic' when he wanted to accomplish super human things at work. I was even diagnosed as bipolar because of negative impulses I'd have.
My suggestion was to use counseling and medication management as a way of helping your son deal with his feelings and impulses. I've learned that I have to be in a good place to make good decisions. That has resulted in me being much more open and honest in therapy and with the psychiatrist. I've become so much healthier in the process!
Your son with his self destructive behavior and angry impulses is not in a good place. As parents we all do the best we can. Whenever ex would write a letter slamming me, I'd look for the nugget of truth because it's always in there amidst upsetting words. The nugget I see with your wife and you is that what you're doing isn't working even though you have the best intentions.
Children unwittingly become pawns in the struggle, with each parent doing what they feel is best.
Just my thoughts for what they're worth. You live it, I only read it.
