Father has them every other weekend. Sometimes only for a day....they both definately could use a little bit of discipline. Since I am a glutton for punishment, I am going horseback riding with D8, NGf and her monsters... I did chat briefly with NGF about her son's behavior at the amusement park. I believe she gave him a little speech (in one ear out the other). I should be getting an apology today since he wants a bday gift on Friday. I am not very nice am I? A friend suggested I get him a book on behaviour in social situations.
Well the proverbial manure just hit the fan....apparently NGF was redecorating the house and decided to take down some family pictures (with her ex husband). Well both kids reacted badly...the son now wants to move in with dad for the rest of the summer. Something tells me they (the kids) won't even last the scheduled week (next week). I have been through this stuff before with my step kids from my previous marriage. Anytime there was an argument with the mom, poof straight to dad's. I told NGF this and also suggested that we seriously limit our interactions between each other in front of her kids. Also suggested that it was pretty obvious to me that both her kids are struggling with mom seeing someone and that she should consider some professional help for the son at least....I tried to be as understanding as possible. So there you have it, no horseback rididng this aft. I decided to cancel that outing and any other outing involving her kids ... for a while. Any feedback on what to say to NGF and if I am doing the right thing is welcomed.
It sounds like you set some really good boundaries for yourself which are also sensitive to the needs of her children. Her kids don't sound ready to have so much interaction with another man in their mother's life.
When you speak to her, speak from your heart. Tell her how you feel about her, how you recognize this behavior from your experiences with your stepdaughters. That at this point seeing each other sans children is the best course for you. It's not a rejection of her children. It's understanding that some things can be bewildering and hurtful to children whose parents are divorced/divorcing. And negative and/or overly ingratiating behavior is sometimes the only way they know to express it.
You're a good, caring, thoughtful, sensitive guy, Giovanni. And I'm glad to see you're no longer being 'masochistic' for the sake of a date.. forced togetherness. Masochism.. bad bad bad. Ask yourself why you agreed to it.
Appreciate you taking the time .... my 'problems' PALE IN COMPARISON to some others here. I am almost shy to post. I am not sure I am a masochist, I just want to please. Please NGF, please my D8.... but you are right and said it much much better than I did (I will need to reiterate to NGF how I feel about her). She called back after the turmoil and I also spoke to her kids. I told them both that I understood that this was not easy for them (to which they answered it is not you John), nonetheless I asked them to cut their mother some slack and try to be nicer to her. I also told them (Including NGF) that for the time being they should spend some time as a family ... just the three of them. D8 was disappointed but we went bike riding, played soccer, washed my car (or rather sprayed each other with the hose) and ate ice cream. Now i am getting ready to play Wii and will probably head out with her on a picnic tommorow...Saratoga sounds nice to me!
What I love about the folks on this forum is the flexibility to grow. We all arrive with intense heartache, bewilderment, confusion. Over time we all grow and develop incredibly regardless of the direction our marriages take.
Challenges exist throughout life... not just in divorce. Starting over in the world of dating is daunting. A date isn't just a date.. it's working around children's schedules, visitation, having an ex in the background. It's lots of stuff in an arena you never imagined yourself entering.
I'm glad you post because it helps me learn.. learn what to expect, how to grow, how to let go.. and know when to listen to that little voice, be aware of when it's time to reevaluate.
This whole growing episode with your girlfriend is a huge learning experience for all of you. And the fact you were able to be honest in a way the respected who you are along with her and her kids is marvelous.
Keep listening to your little voice and pay attention to when those flags keep popping up. Folks will love for who you are.. not because of your need to please.
Thanks again Gyps....is it me or is your writing / posting becoming more peaceful (almost religious)?
By the way Gyps, when I try to please I do not do it to be loved but because I love.
Flags pop up everywhere...sometimes we choose to look the other way...do we have a choice. If I were to pause at every flag I encounter, I would be stuck.
John..I've found blending the kids takes time....yours and hers must earn trust from all around them including each other....
it's difficult at best..go slow and realize that we each have different parenting styles...what works for you with D8 won't work with NGF and her kids..
Just a little update...we all went out on Sunday for the little guys BDAY. D8 and i got him a PS3 video game which got us a heartfelt hug. NGF has 4 kids in all (22 / 20 / 13 / 12) all girls except the little guy. Funny but he seems the most moody of them all...well so much for stereotypes. Well all was going fine untile NGF refused to buy the boy a hot dog since we were going to all have supper together in an hr. max. Well, the little guy turned into teh boy from hell again and surprisingly everyone ignored him I am starting to believe that this may be his way of getting attaention. Anyhow, the young kids are with their dad all week and the little guy has already called to say he wants to come back home!!!!! This is the same giy who said no later than Sunday that he was moving in with his dad fro the next 4 weeks (until school starts). He barely lasted 24 hrs.....NGF and I really got a laugh out of that. So things are going pretty well with NGF...today is my last day with D8. So we will both be kids free for 4 straight days, starting tommorow.
