Kalni...john...frank_d....healthydad....ME....we've been there and I am going to say basically what they did and also cut across the DB grain here.
A WAS is a tough cookie but when you throw infidelity in there....it's a different ballgame. A spouse that meets someone else, tells you and punches out..is different from someone who continues under the same roof, lies to you and feigns that perhaps you have a chance. Limbo. They use you as a safety net under the trapeze while they either test the water to see what's out there or, out of fear, keep you in place while they satisfy their own selfish needs. My attorney once told me that when a wife meets a man and falls in love or ML's, she punches out. When an H does the same, he continues the affair because the wife performs a function for him. That is, he keeps you hanging on.
Almost all books on infidelity will tell you that the other spouse needs to truly feel regret and seriously commit back to the relationship and DO THE WORK. Yes..both do but the lion's share rests on their shoulders. Sadly, one of the most basic phrases still applies:
People don't change. NOT....at least...without intensive therapy and work.
The other phrase applies as well: once a cheater always a cheater. The recidivism rate is high. The intense thrill and release they get is powerful.
What I CAN tell you...and...supportive of what frank, john and HD said..is to simply take them back without consequences will lead to further issues down the road. Like frank...et al...each time my STBXW crossed a boundary and I DB'd, i.e., I listened to everyone's 'don't show anger...don't go down cheeseless tunnels...it's just a bandaid' advice...it enabled my W's behavior to continue to do the things that are verboten in a committed marriage. So, what I am saying is, all that garbage we read here when people tell others to 'make dinner, dress sexy and flirt with your husband' after he disappeared for a week...is TOTAL BULL$hiL. A more appropriate action is to ask your husband to leave, get counseling and don't call you for 6 months or until he is ready to do the work.
But...no one will say that here.
It now should be about YOU!!!!
How do YOU want to be treated?
What do YOU want in a marriage and a relationship?
Do YOU want to live with trust, repsect, love and fidelity or do YOU prefer to live snooping and insecure?
Kalni...what do YOU WANT in your life?
Personally, I think filing is appropriate. Tomato got on my case and I understand that. But my recommendations are that you should decide what YOU think is appropriate to say: NO....cheating and treating me that way is NOT appropriate. It is inexcusable. I won't be treated that way and THIS is what are MY boundaries......and if you lie, done respect me, destroy trust...then these are the conesequences.
Kalni...I think what john, HD, frank and I are telling you is...DON'T...enable the behavior. DON'T...be treated with disrespect. DON'T ..let H think that this can happen again. DO..let H know that works needs to be done if he wants you back.
And, finally, DON'T ....let FEAR.....allow you to stay in an unhealthy relationship where one partner is unwilling or unable to do the work to make it healthy again.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
