I love the tone of your last post. Glad to have you back. Now we just need to get you to stay.
By the way, when I said it was time for him to pay, I meant that he'll be getting his "payment" by his own hand and through the hands of fate.
You are gone and now he'll be alone w/his thoughts and have plenty of time to think about all his lies, all the pain he's caused you and others as well as how lonely he feels now that he's been outed for the louse he is.
He'll be paying for his actions for a long time just through how his life will continually remind him of how when you treat people badly, karma usually comes back around to get you.
A screw up is a mistake, maybe two, if you stretch it maybe even three. It's not three years or more of living a double life, playing viscious emotional games with people you profess to love.
I hope he IS devastated. He should be. Unfortunately it could be a very long time before even he knows whether he is devastated for the incredible pain he has caused in others, or because he's finally been found out.
You are processing all this too, and I imagine it will take some time. It's so difficult having to look back on past events and reevaluate them in light of what you now know. It may be human nature for us to do so in a time like this, but in the end I wonder if it doesn't just make us crazy. Maybe it's enough, for a time at least, to accept that so much of your confusion and mixed signals were justified. I know it doesn't make the hurt or betrayal less, but maybe it helps with the sanity.
You are a strong woman. Clearly much stronger than this man, regardless of the good parts of the past you shared. He is NOT indicative ofa failing within YOU. His problems and issues are HIS and he must deal with them for the benefit of his future.
You on the other hand are left with making your way through this mess he has included you in, and I pray you will do so without beating yourself up along the way.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
From Ali's favorite astrologer, Priya Kale. A lot more to the point is on there, she could be writing about my life...
"The Full Moon has certainly swept the air clean. The energy is buzzing, light and from personal experience, clients and people I know there has been an emptying. Now as the Moon passes through Pisces, soak in the revelations of the past few days, there may be a few more subtle ones coming through.
It may be hard to take it completely easy though, as Mars moves towards a square to Saturn on Monday. I’ve written about this aspect in the Lunar Eclipse report, so watch for the tendency to worry too much. Focus on resolution rather than the mistakes. By Monday the Moon will have moved into Aries giving us a lot more energy to find our personal power.
For now, take it easy and dissolve the tension as much as you can.
That is a good horoscope. I hope you will be able to let go of the past and move into a brighter future for you now. Looking at all of this is only hurting you more. He was selfish and careless with your feelings and the children's. He took the love and attention that rightfully was yours and gave it to her. It is done. You need to now be like the calm and peaceful sunrise after the storm. It is a new day and you are moving into the future.
Kalni...john...frank_d....healthydad....ME....we've been there and I am going to say basically what they did and also cut across the DB grain here.
A WAS is a tough cookie but when you throw infidelity in there....it's a different ballgame. A spouse that meets someone else, tells you and punches out..is different from someone who continues under the same roof, lies to you and feigns that perhaps you have a chance. Limbo. They use you as a safety net under the trapeze while they either test the water to see what's out there or, out of fear, keep you in place while they satisfy their own selfish needs. My attorney once told me that when a wife meets a man and falls in love or ML's, she punches out. When an H does the same, he continues the affair because the wife performs a function for him. That is, he keeps you hanging on.
Almost all books on infidelity will tell you that the other spouse needs to truly feel regret and seriously commit back to the relationship and DO THE WORK. Yes..both do but the lion's share rests on their shoulders. Sadly, one of the most basic phrases still applies:
People don't change. NOT....at least...without intensive therapy and work.
The other phrase applies as well: once a cheater always a cheater. The recidivism rate is high. The intense thrill and release they get is powerful.
What I CAN tell you...and...supportive of what frank, john and HD said..is to simply take them back without consequences will lead to further issues down the road. Like frank...et al...each time my STBXW crossed a boundary and I DB'd, i.e., I listened to everyone's 'don't show anger...don't go down cheeseless tunnels...it's just a bandaid' advice...it enabled my W's behavior to continue to do the things that are verboten in a committed marriage. So, what I am saying is, all that garbage we read here when people tell others to 'make dinner, dress sexy and flirt with your husband' after he disappeared for a week...is TOTAL BULL$hiL. A more appropriate action is to ask your husband to leave, get counseling and don't call you for 6 months or until he is ready to do the work.
But...no one will say that here.
It now should be about YOU!!!!
How do YOU want to be treated?
What do YOU want in a marriage and a relationship?
Do YOU want to live with trust, repsect, love and fidelity or do YOU prefer to live snooping and insecure?
Kalni...what do YOU WANT in your life?
Personally, I think filing is appropriate. Tomato got on my case and I understand that. But my recommendations are that you should decide what YOU think is appropriate to say: NO....cheating and treating me that way is NOT appropriate. It is inexcusable. I won't be treated that way and THIS is what are MY boundaries......and if you lie, done respect me, destroy trust...then these are the conesequences.
Kalni...I think what john, HD, frank and I are telling you is...DON'T...enable the behavior. DON'T...be treated with disrespect. DON'T ..let H think that this can happen again. DO..let H know that works needs to be done if he wants you back.
And, finally, DON'T ....let FEAR.....allow you to stay in an unhealthy relationship where one partner is unwilling or unable to do the work to make it healthy again.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Dear Maria, I am sorry that I kept hoping you would give the poor "depressed" man a chance. Several of us were duped. I feel your pain but feel that you are getting back up again, ready to fight a true fight. The one that gets you to decide how your life will NOW be.
If ever you feel yourself slipping come back and read these last few pages and you will get your bearing again. I am in your corner.
hugs, kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Good afternoon K, Hope you are doing better today and teh sun is shining in your part of the wolrd. Since I have been reading FIB on this thread and his opinions resemble mine, I decided to read some of his recent thread. I came acroos a couple of posts that caught my eye. Guess who wrote them?
Protect yourself, your kids, your psyche (spelling?). That's all you can do. And take the first exit out as soon as possible. Stay strong
keep a vision in your head of how you want your life to be down the road and focus on that while waiting. Whatever you go through now, in there, the next few months, brings you closer to that. Make the picture as "perfect" as it can be, smile at the thought of it. Try to "feel" how it will feel. Protect your self.
Hey M, YEs, I too read that and thought of you. And its pretty amazing that you saldy found all that stuff on the eclipse too. But it was the last in the long running series of eclipses in Leo/Aquarius. Last time they were in the same place, was 1999 and they wont be back for 10 years. Eclipses bring dramatic, catastrophic or upsetting events (or dramatic in a good way). Princess Diana married on an eclipse, had the heir on an eclipse and died on an eclipses point. My own R has been incredibly eclipse led, from our first kiss, to the day he moved in, the day of the bomb, the day he left and now, the day I moved back in.
The thing about eclipses is, no matter how dramatic, they 'shake things up' and shunt us back onto our rightful path. And they 'illuminate' what needs to come out, be revealed, be said or culminated.
I must be crazy, because reading your post before the last, in my head I was thinking, NOW, finally, they may have a chance!! He doesnt love her. Its over. OVER, and he still loves you, I know he does. But you know what a romantic sentimental fool I am, so I wont try and suggest you give him another chance...Sometimes, too much damage IS done. You are bound to be still reeling, it must be so hard.
Did you download the whole eclipse report? I didnt yet. Might be interesting reading. Love Al xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
