My Wifes MLC

[Dawn of Hope]

Even after all that, I forgot to respond to this earlier post.

Yes I have been doing some reading on MLC and I'm still unsure what to do.

Keep reading. Everything we have told you to read. It will help.

I'm tempted to just roll with it (& probably end up divorced) but that is why I am getting the counsellor involved - I really need advice on what is the best way to handle this.

If you really want the best advice on how to handle this, then RUN, do not walk, to make arrangements for at LEAST one DB coaching session. I guarantee that afterward you will believe it is some of the best money you have ever spent. It will transform how your confidence levels and you feel about the situation like you wouldn't believe (and no, they don't pay me for endorsements!).

I know a couple of things:
1. Some of her comments hurt. She simply does not have a balanced viewpoint.
2. The kids are the most important piece in all of this but they are going to get hurt. All I can do is minimise this as much as possible. My wife cares about the kids but she is so wrapped up in herself that she isn't considering their welfare much at all.

Welcome to the wonderful world of MLC, where reality becomes whatever the MLCer decides it is today, and the MLCer is the most important person ever born. All you can do here is to accept the sitch detach to the best of your ability, and plan for damage control. There is unfortunately nothing you can do to prevent any of this, although there are a few things you can do to minimize the fallout, such as with your kids.

Will I ever trust her again ? Can I accept back into my life someone who appears child-like & extremely selfish ? How long do I try to make this work ?

Only you can decide these things for your own sitch. For me, the question is, "Did I mean it when I spoke those words...'for better or for worse...until death do us part'?" I say, "Yes...and I am bound to keep my given word." My faith tells me to not give up on my M as long as we are both alive. My faith also says that M is not a contract that a piece of paper can nullify...it is a covenant, blessed and sealed by God, and cannot be broken by either party's failure to carry out the promises of that covenant. There are many of us here like that. But I understand that not everyone has that same take on their M.

You aren't likely to find anyone on here who will tell you that it is time to thow in the towel; that's not why we are all here. Some people give up after a month of DBing. I know of one who has been at it for 7 years and is separated but still not D'd. There are always newbies, but most of us have been at this a few years. It's that marathon thing again.

I can't answer these questions now but I know a couple of things. I need to make sure that I take care of me & my kids (my wife is on her own path) & in any future relationship I will learn from my mistakes.

Good on the taking care of yourself and your kids, and letting your W walk her own path. Good on learning from your mistakes. But I personally believe that if you are going to have a chance of M restoration, you have to totally commit yourself to your M. This doesn't mean that you focus all of your energy on your W--no, you still try to detach, and work on yourself, and all the rest of it--but you know in your heart that you are committed to finishing what you started when you got M. You are not indecisive about it; you have made your decision. Please keep in mind that this "totally committed" bit is my own opinion, and others here may disagree, and may even feel that it is contradictory to strategies like detaching and letting go. I don't think it is contradictory, but it is only my opinion, not necessarily DB-stamped teaching.

I am reassessing my life right now and that is a +ve thing. I'm certainly being open about what is happening and that helps.

Good.

One thing I'm concerned with is that every one going through this appears to have been hurt badly. I'd hazard to guess that the more you commit to the relationship the more your going to get hurt.

The first sentence is very true. I would guess that there is no one on these boards who hasn't spent more time in Hades than they thought they could live through.

The second...not so much. I don't believe you can avoid pain by being wishy-washy about your cmmitment, or by giving up. If you do either of those, then you have to wonder, and feel guilty, about whether you truly did everything in your power to restore M, and that has to make the hurt even worse, I suspect.

I firmly believe that every marriage can work if it is between 2 stable healthy people. The issue is that someone in a MLC / or going through a massive personal change is inherently unstable. If they come out of this in whatever time is acceptable to you who will they turn into. My wife atm resembles a child / teenager. She is talking like a teenager & acting like a teenager - I have nothing in common with this person and I don't want too.

She cannot be stable and healthy right now. She _should_, we all know, but she _can't_. Would you give up on her if she got Alzheimers and treated you horribly? (I saw this happen with my in-laws, so it is not unheard of.) I don't know if MLC really is an illness or not, and it doesn't absolve her of her hurtful actions, but sometimes it helps to think of it as a mental illness.

At this point I want out. All I see when I look at her is a mistake. I'm going to try and sort this out but I don't think I can - she has to go through whatever it is she is going through and I'll have to adapt.

Again, only you can make this choice. Just please remember that this decision is going to ripple down the years of the rest of your life, and echo to your children and their children, and radiate out into your extended family and friends. Don't act out of emotion. Act only from a place of calm and conviction and centered-ness.

Good grief, I must be tired, I'm missing proofreading errors! Must..rest...it's 5:30 a.m. and I've been awake all night.

Peace,
Dawn