My Wifes MLC

[Dawn of Hope]

Steve,
I am wondering...whereabouts are you? No need to get too specific, I'm just wondering because you and I seem to post around the same time of day, but it's actually the middle of the night where I am (I have sleep issues, long story), and usually the only other people posting at this time of day are in England/Europe or Australia!

So, to address your comments:

Again, don't press the issue of marital counseling. It can be incredibly counterproductive when the WAS is in MLC, for a variety of reasons. Get counseling for yourself, though, but make sure the C is right for your needs.

My wife has had a real good time within our life together and yet now she is telling me I am controlling & dominating.

It is simply not true - my parents, her parents & the kids know this.

MLCers lie, even to themselves. You are also discovering that they have a little trick that we call "revising history," which means that they only remember the bad stuff about your life together, and even manage somehow to remember good stuff as bad, or somehow totally discount it in their mind. Thus, everything for years and years was ALL bad...so why wouldn't they want out?! Don't bother to argue with her about this; you will just make her mad and push her farther away because she will become even more convinced that her view is the way it really was and you are all wrong about it. Don't let her bait you into trying to defend yourself or what you had together that was good.

Listen and validate.

Listen and validate.

Listen and validate.

Understand? Do not bring up R. Do not confront, argue, counter-accuse, get mad, or do anything other than stay calm and neutral. If you can't do that, politely excuse yourself and get away from her to somewhere you can safely express your emotions in a healthy way.

I do want to clarify that if you feel that she has a legitimate complaint or two about you, buried in the garbage she will be spewing, you need to acknowledge it without being defensive, apologize honestly, and do what you can to repair it. It's tough, but you have to own the part you played in the breakdown of the M/R, even if you feel that your spouse did a lot more to trash the M than you did. Acknowledge where you went wrong. Fix what you can. Avoid any "Well, what about what YOU did?" type of comments; this will not help your cause in the least.

Remember that you should only make changes in yourself if you feel that they are changes you want to keep up for the rest of your life, regardless of whether she even notices. And don't TELL her you are changing...SHOW her. And stick with it, even though it may take a very long time for her to believe it is real. This is why it is so important to make sure the changes you make are things that you can keep up forever.

Its upsetting the lies she has been saying. I wonder how everyone will view this in the future.

Of course it is upsetting, and you have every right to be upset at the total violation, but unfortunately this is something you are going to have to learn to live with for now. See above for discussion of "MLCers lie, even to themselves."

Don't waste your time worrying about what other people are going to think. The truth will come out sooner or later, I guarantee it, regardless of how hard the MLCer tries to torch the reputation of the LBS. If you are living YOUR highest truth, that is all you need to do. Never lie about this, but it is very important to talk to other people about it as little as possible, except for professionals (therapists, ministers, etc.) and _maybe_ one friend you can trust. It will come back to bite you later if you talk about it beyond that.

I hope it doesn't get any worse but your right. I think it will get worse and I think the kids are the ones who will suffer.

It is actually horrendous. My once stable and sane wife is now a n alien.

I hate to tell you this, but it WILL get worse. Those who have no experience with MLC think it's a joke (I know I did), but actually there are jokes about it because it is too horrible to deal with head-on in public.

Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint, and you are only in the first mile or two. Just when you think they can't get any crazier...somehow they do. The good news is that if you trust that we know what we are talking about, you can prepare yourself for when it happens, so that your boat just rocks but doesn't tip over.

It is truly a waking nightmare, to deal with the aliens that they become. We talk about the Mother Ship loading up on MLCer brains every day. They operate like animals that have had their brains disconnected sometimes when they are in MLC, although sometimes you will see a glimpse of the person they were before. But don't be thrown off balance by those little flashes of sanity. Many people compare it to Jekyll and Hyde, although some MLCers seem to have killed off Jekyll and are all Hyde.

Take care of yourself and your kids. Work on yourself. Let her spin, and try to detach from it as best you can.

Peace,
Dawn