It's always so nice to hear from you - and to read your kind reminders of how blessed my life is - in particular through my relationship with my sons.
Reading those words again, from the night we drove home from the airport a few weeks ago, reminded me of just how much my S12 perceives - and how much he understands. His words were, without a doubt, a gift to me that night...and they reminded me just how strong our bond is - so much so that I know we'll stay close even while we're apart.
As I mentioned, he leaves August 18...and so...of course, I got an from B this evening asking if S12 could spend Friday night at her place - with her and her mom...yes...this Friday night, on the weekend before he leaves town...Should I be surprised that she continues to make such ludicrous requests? Thus far, I've just been kind and responded by saying that he would not be traveling with her or visiting her parents, etc...but right now, I feel like it might be time to let her know that S12 is no longer a part of her life - and will not be again - and that she should just accept that.
Perhaps she isn't aware that he witnessed as much as he did...the he heard many of her accusations and insults - and that her behavior sometimes frightened and bewildered him. I think she's also unaware that he really didn't feel that comfortable around her and her family...all stuff that he only felt safe telling me once we had moved into this new apartment - and once he knew she was out of our lives. Thus oddest thing he ever said to me - and it was odd because it was something I had never talked with him about - was that he thought she was abusive toward me...he used that word, "abusive", and left me kind of speechless for a moment...as I wasn't sure if he had overheard it used - or if he might have been misusing it.
When I asked him why he thought she was abusive, he offered me a long list of memories - of things she said and did - of the ways in which she would accuse me of things that weren't true - and then...this is what hit me the most...he said that he thought she used my love against me...How does a twelve-year old child see so much? And he kept it inside himself for a long time...
I apologized to him last night for having brought B into our lives for so long. Though I also told him that there were many happy memories we had all shared together as a family - and that I still miss a lot of those memories, those times...but that I'm also very aware of the price that we had to pay to get to those rare, happy moments. I also talked with him about what I had wished the outcome could have been - at least up until six or seven months ago - that I had wished B could find a way to work on herself, that she could have shared with me a commitment to improving ourselves for the sake of our family. I explained to S12 that I believe it's right and honorable to fight for one's family - to do anything one can to try to preserve one's family - but that I could not risk being with B any longer - as her anger and accusations intensified and it became clearer to me that she would say or do anything she could in order to justify her actions/thoughts/behavior/etc.
After I talked about all of this with my S12 he told me that he had come to realize something about how I live my life...and it's a lesson he said he wanted to take with him...he told me that he had learned that happiness didn't come from dwelling on the past, but from living in the moment, and making it our future...
I'm going to miss S12 terribly when he leaves...I just know it's going to ache inside me for a while. But I know that he'll be back to live with me in a couple years - and that he'll be with me for vacations, etc - and so I know that I have to take this time as an opportunity to rebuild, to heal, and to find - or perhaps rediscover - the tranquility I used to feel inside of me all the time...these days that tranquility feels like it's being squeezed between a vice that sits right above my heart.
...I just glanced at her email again...so ridiculous...she wrote it in response to my asking if she would mind if I had S2 stay with us on Friday night...so he could spend more time with S12...damn...there it goes...I lost it...I think I just need to cry a bit...
