Rob, Thanks...I hope you're right - that I'm not jaded...I think sometimes that my deep sadness over the loss of so many things in just one year (marriage, little family, work, S12 leaving in 12 days) - just makes it so very hard to see the positives sometimes.
I still feel like I'm going through hell sometimes - and just seem to find myself in very dark places very quickly these days - so much of it just has to do with my son leaving so soon...my kids are just the best part of my life - the most precious, the most beautiful - and when I watch then and see them laugh together, I just find my eyes well up with tears - not just because my S12 will be leaving soon - but because they will be missing out on the chances to interact this way as often as they do now. When they laugh, I want to freeze the moment, stay in it, find comfort there in their joy - but the knowledge that it's fleeting just pierces my heart - and I think about not having my kids here to share moments with one another together...and I think about so many of the decisions, right and/or wrong, that brought me to this moment over the years - and sometimes the thought creeps into my head that I have failed them...that I've not done the best that I could have done for them...and that I can't stop or change this situation so that they won't be apart - and so that I won't have night after night alone at home - missing them and crying - wishing that I had done a better job somehow as the man who would become their father.
Not that I think I'm a bad father - I tend to think I've done a good job with S12 and hope to do much of the same with S2...I just reflect on some of my past - and look at the circumstances of my present - and think, I had so many opportunities to rise above this before it fell apart...why didn't I?
I worry...I genuinely worry...that my heart can't survive the blow of having S12 leave soon...my heart just feels like such a fragile organ in me right now...like it's already hit its capacity to feel more pain than could possible fit inside my body.
I am so sorry for what you are going through, your pain is palpable through your words.
From all that you post here and on the threads of others, I do not think you are jaded at all. I do not think anyone could muster a positive outlook in the days leading up to his son's departure.
I understand what you are saying about your concern that your heart cannot take anymore pain...you have been given a lot to deal with, to be sure. That said, from everything you have posted here and to others, I know you will make it through somehow. I suspect your immense love for your boys will provide the strength.
For now, just know you have people here in the DB world who are thinking of you and willing to support you in any way you'd like.
I'm sorry you are in so much pain Carlos. The pain will pass, although sometimes it may feel like it will kill you first. Keep breathing and cry the tears you need to.
Have you heard of "anticipatory grief"? I usually hear it in the context of terminal illness of a loved one, but I think it applies to any impending loss. Anticipatory grief is when you worry about and grieve over losing someone you love before they have actually gone. Sometimes you worry so much about what is around the corner, and how you will cope, that you forget to enjoy the time you have together now. You may begin to focus more on your son's impending absence and the pain you will feel when he leaves, than on the fact that right now, he is still with you. It is normal to feel that way, but the danger is that you may sub-consciously try to distance yourself emotionally from the person who is leaving in an effort to spare yourself pain when he leaves, but you are going to feel pain at that time anyway so you may as well savor every moment you have.
You have had an incredibly difficult year. Undoubtedly you, like everyone else on the planet, regret some of your choices. All you can do is your best right now and moving forward. Difficult as it has been, it looks to me like you have made some very good choices in this past year.
Hang in there Carlos. I'm glad you are reaching out. That's a very healthy thing to do.
Carlos, Feel it then think thru it. My second son is getting ready to go off to college in two weeks and just thinking about it makes me emotional. I handle it by being grateful, understanding that it is time for him step out, and embracing the opportunities this presents. I can't change the past but I am in control of myself now. You will survive, grow, laugh,love, cry, thrive and persevere. View your pain as the love you feel for your sons, it's healthy and strong. Be glad you are that passionate about your boys. It's a real gift you are giving them and what a blessing they are in your life. I'll take the rollercaster over the merry go round anyday. You can handle it.
Cheers Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Hi VV, Dudess and Coach, Thanks so much for your support. It has been a tough year, and I know that I'm not alone in saying that...I look back at the year behind me and just cringe at the number of tombstones inscribed with memories.
VV, I do hope that you're right - that I'll have the strength to pull through all of this. I'm trying - I keep getting up in the mornings - and reminding myself that, despite all appearances and despite just how much I've lost over the last year of my life, I still have a very rich life - full of love from and for my children - and also full of potential.
Dudess - Anticipatory pain - that's just what it feels like - and I'm doing my best to acknowledge the sadness I see coming - but still stay in the present so that I can enjoy all these days until I drop my S12 off at the airport on August 18. Goodness, just writing that made my heart ache and my eyes water...this is going to be hard...already feels much harder than the day after B moved out - probably since I was so relieved to have her move out after having been through so much pain and abuse for so many months....I look back now and realize that, in an odd sense, the DB techniques tended to fuel her fires - and tended to allow her to believe that she was right in anything and everything she said about me/us. I guess that was the important part of wearing that raincoat - and reminding me that it wasn't about me...but when she started threatening to call the police and claim that I had hit hurt...then I knew it wasn't about protecting myself emotionally - it was about protecting myself in very real terms - and, in turn, protecting my children.
And thank you for reminding me that I have made some good choices over the past year - it's been hard to come to some of my decisions - but they've definitely been for the better.
Thanks for your perspective, Coach. And you are right, I will survive, grow, laugh, love, cry, thrive and persevere - I have to. I know that I'll see my S12 during the school year - and will still have him with me for holidays and vacations - it will just be tricky juggling everything to make sure that we get to spend time with S2 as well - since their relationship is so important to me (and to them).
It has been a roller coaster of late - and I'm just hoping that I get one of those climbs again soon - as I've had so much of the scary descents lately...it just wears me out sometimes...
To be quite honest, and I know this sounds kind of arrogant...part of the reason this is all so horribly difficult for me is because I've not really failed at anything before...and right now, I feel like I can look back - and even just look at my current financial situation - and see many signs of having failed - and I truly don't know how to manage it well. In the academic world - where I was more at home - and kind of at peace - things just kind of came easily to me - and while I had to work hard - it was never with a fear of failure - it was always with a passion for knowing more...these days, I suddenly find myself having to work hard with this fear of failure - and I'm trying to make more sense of it.
A good friend of mine suggested that part of the problem might be my very relationship to failure - and that I have to accept it more as part of what I'm going through - as part of my process...and I'm trying to do that - trying to let go of the expectations that lead me toward judging myself a failure - but it's hard - particularly when I think about the simple, practical matters of having to support my children and myself...
It's odd how intertwined it all was for me - unhealthy marriage, unhealthy sense of self and partner, unhealthy work, neglect of my own passions and drives...and once the marriage was taken out of it - and the specious security of love was unveiled, so much came tumbling down...faulty foundation at its core. I suppose that's what I'm working on - like so many of us here, I'm figuring out how to build on a better foundation - since what had supported me for so many years had proven to be unreliable...
I think you need to allow yourself to be sad by your son's departure. You also need to be sad that you weren't the man you are now when you were w/S12.
However, you also need to know that S12 can see the growth and change in you and he is very proud of what you've accomplished. You have told us what S12 has said to you and it is very obivous that he knows you love him dearly and have always done the best you could w/him.
Thus, I guess I can only say that you need to remember that you did the best you could under the circumstances you were faced w/based on the information you had and the skill sets you possessed at the time.
You can learn from the past and become better for the future, but you can't live regretting what could have been. All you can do is focus on what is and what will be.
You taught S12 how to love and be loved, despite any problems in your lives. You have given him the most important gift of all.
I shed a tear for you thinking about him going off to school. This is not an ending, Carlos, it is a fresh start.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Last night, as we got home from the airport and were walking to the door my S12 said, "I'm not worried about what's happening. I know that you'll make the right decisions about what's best for us. I trust you. I know you can handle it, even if no one else could." My eyes watered as he opened the front door...his words felt like a gift...
Hey Carlos,
Remember this when you're feeling the way you do... His faith in you isn't misplaced...
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
It's always so nice to hear from you - and to read your kind reminders of how blessed my life is - in particular through my relationship with my sons.
Reading those words again, from the night we drove home from the airport a few weeks ago, reminded me of just how much my S12 perceives - and how much he understands. His words were, without a doubt, a gift to me that night...and they reminded me just how strong our bond is - so much so that I know we'll stay close even while we're apart.
As I mentioned, he leaves August 18...and so...of course, I got an from B this evening asking if S12 could spend Friday night at her place - with her and her mom...yes...this Friday night, on the weekend before he leaves town...Should I be surprised that she continues to make such ludicrous requests? Thus far, I've just been kind and responded by saying that he would not be traveling with her or visiting her parents, etc...but right now, I feel like it might be time to let her know that S12 is no longer a part of her life - and will not be again - and that she should just accept that.
Perhaps she isn't aware that he witnessed as much as he did...the he heard many of her accusations and insults - and that her behavior sometimes frightened and bewildered him. I think she's also unaware that he really didn't feel that comfortable around her and her family...all stuff that he only felt safe telling me once we had moved into this new apartment - and once he knew she was out of our lives. Thus oddest thing he ever said to me - and it was odd because it was something I had never talked with him about - was that he thought she was abusive toward me...he used that word, "abusive", and left me kind of speechless for a moment...as I wasn't sure if he had overheard it used - or if he might have been misusing it.
When I asked him why he thought she was abusive, he offered me a long list of memories - of things she said and did - of the ways in which she would accuse me of things that weren't true - and then...this is what hit me the most...he said that he thought she used my love against me...How does a twelve-year old child see so much? And he kept it inside himself for a long time...
I apologized to him last night for having brought B into our lives for so long. Though I also told him that there were many happy memories we had all shared together as a family - and that I still miss a lot of those memories, those times...but that I'm also very aware of the price that we had to pay to get to those rare, happy moments. I also talked with him about what I had wished the outcome could have been - at least up until six or seven months ago - that I had wished B could find a way to work on herself, that she could have shared with me a commitment to improving ourselves for the sake of our family. I explained to S12 that I believe it's right and honorable to fight for one's family - to do anything one can to try to preserve one's family - but that I could not risk being with B any longer - as her anger and accusations intensified and it became clearer to me that she would say or do anything she could in order to justify her actions/thoughts/behavior/etc.
After I talked about all of this with my S12 he told me that he had come to realize something about how I live my life...and it's a lesson he said he wanted to take with him...he told me that he had learned that happiness didn't come from dwelling on the past, but from living in the moment, and making it our future...
I'm going to miss S12 terribly when he leaves...I just know it's going to ache inside me for a while. But I know that he'll be back to live with me in a couple years - and that he'll be with me for vacations, etc - and so I know that I have to take this time as an opportunity to rebuild, to heal, and to find - or perhaps rediscover - the tranquility I used to feel inside of me all the time...these days that tranquility feels like it's being squeezed between a vice that sits right above my heart.
...I just glanced at her email again...so ridiculous...she wrote it in response to my asking if she would mind if I had S2 stay with us on Friday night...so he could spend more time with S12...damn...there it goes...I lost it...I think I just need to cry a bit...
After I talked about all of this with my S12 he told me that he had come to realize something about how I live my life...and it's a lesson he said he wanted to take with him...he told me that he had learned that happiness didn't come from dwelling on the past, but from living in the moment, and making it our future...
Carlos,
I quoted this section of your post because I think it is very telling what your son has said to you. As you say, it is amazing that a boy that young could have figured out so much, true, but he is your son and he is connected to you in a very wonderful way. That connection is beautiful and will only grow. As sad as it is that you were abused and that he bore witness to that, what matters is what you have taught him with your response to that abuse. Everyone will have pain and suffering in life; it is how we respond that matters. Look what he told you he has learned about happiness...that is what he is taking away from the entire experience. That is incredible. There is so much unsaid, too. You are teaching him about strength, honor, dignity, grace, courage and independence. You are showing him how to be the kind of man this world has too few of.
Please know that many here are thinking of you and your boys and the sadness you are feeling, but we also know that you will continue to do what it right and continue to show these boys what it means to be a healthydad (space intentionally omitted).
