Strange New World

[MsMelancoly]

Hey native, Great to hear you & your D had a wonderful time!!! A nice escape - I bet. What nice memories your D will have!!!

Unfortunately, for you w/your W, it seems you are guilty by association, in that you are a man. Her rape, her being a victim, has been blamed on someone else & that might every well be appropriate. It seems like in your M & what she is saying to you, that she is still in that victim, blaming role. Only she can break free of that. Still, it is good you are trying to understand her & let her know this. Ah, if she would only read some books about men & see your POV. Since leaving you, here life has not been a bed of roses. She must see that. I hope she does read the book. If she cannot take any steps forward & stop with the past, you cannot take many steps forward w/her either.

Good to see you are back though, missed your posts. So are dance classes on the horizon for your D?

[FitChik]

Native,

Let me make sure I understand your sitch - your W suffered a rape 7 years ago and is still coping with the effects?

I was also raped on 2 diff't occasions while in college. I denied both of the events for close to 4-5 years. I had a lot of anger & bitterness towards men who would look at me sexually and I never understood my own reaction. I didn't date for years & years b/c I was afraid to get intimate with anyone. Finally one night after watching continued coverage of the Duke rape case, I had an awakening that I was indeed raped.

I went to IC for close to a year to sort out emotions, the damage I had done to myself while denying it, and how to move foward. I was finally able to confront my fears..... but it hasn't been easy.

I am happy to answer any questions you have about how your W may feel. I may be able to give you more insight into her feelings???

I am truly sorry for both of you to be dealing with this. Doesn't seem fair someone else's bad decision can so deeply impact a person and their Rs.

[Kenn]

Hi Native,

Good to see you had a fantastic time at Disney!

How are things going now?

[Kenn]

Native has left the building??????????????



how are things???????

[native]

Hey Msm, Kenn!
I am not on the computer as often since I lost my free internet connection. I will probobly call TW and get my own wireless soon.

I have decided to sell the house b/c I am not keeping up with the bills ( temp. slowdown in work) and before that was not getting ahead. I have found a nice place to land however, as the night manager of a bed and breakfast about 20 min. away. No mortgage, utilities, free cable/wireless and I will be able to have the time and $$ to re-invest in my buisness and education. Perhaps really make a career change...

Ah, if she would only read some books about men & see your POV.

Really!!! When I mention that a lot of men do this or that, she says its only me. I only say that b/c I know either from experience or having confirmed it in my reading. But she thinks I'm rather unique in my thoughts and actions.

I think she is extraordinarily myopic and has a hard time realizing how her actions have affected me and have harmed our relationship.

Again, if it wasn't for our daughter, I would let her go. Not that I don't love her. Just that it is so unrewarding to hang on right now.

She is buying a house, a small crackerbox with a lot of deferred maintainence, but it will be her own where she can sit and look out the window for hours at a time ( a little exaggeration) without me pressuring her to help me clean the house or some other mundane and otherwise unpleasant duty that life brings.

Sometimes I wonder if what it will take is me starting to date someone else. I have told her she has until the end of our seperation period ( and after our divorce?) before I begin to consider dating again.

Right now, just trying to navigate survival...getting the house ready to sell, readying my new place...dealing with credit card debt....a lot on my plate. House goes on the market on the 16th.

As far as belly dancing, I am going to google that for our town in a few minutes...she is still interested.

Thanks for being there everyone!

[native]

Hello Fitchik,

Let me make sure I understand your sitch - your W suffered a rape 7 years ago and is still coping with the effects?

She only just seemed to acknowledge her anger and trust issues with this new counsellor about a month ago.

I had a lot of anger & bitterness towards men who would look at me sexually and I never understood my own reaction

She tried dating a little but her reactions to the guys she went out with made her realize she is not ready and has trust issues. She confided this in me recently. God I hate feeling like the lbs, but it's some small comfort that she recognizes the fact that her trust issues are not limited to me. But she goes back and forth. She carries a lot of anger, and it often is still directed at me.

I am happy to answer any questions you have about how your W may feel. I may be able to give you more insight into her feelings???

I don't know where to begin....I want to know so much....how do I reach her....what can I do so that when the dust settles and she has sorted out her trauma so I can be the one she decides to be with....and how can I ensure I will still want to be that one when and if she does come around. I am so tired of her unhappiness and anger.

Does any of this have to do with her general inability to deal with stress or change, her low energy levels, depression, general fears or was some of this part of her before ? I don't know if you can help here or not, but I'm sure your exp. can shed some light here.

What does she need from me? How do I act with her? Should I wait for her, should I move on, should I pretend to move on, but really wait, or do I just let go......

I have long vascillated between anger and compassion with her....

I am getting burned out with it all. But if the dark cloud could lift from her, I'm sure she would be a much more attractive person.

Her feelings..........it seems that feelings dominate her....feelings I cannot seem to grasp....

there were times she wanted me to go with her to this dark place of despair, to understand but I was unwilling....I felt it was unhealthy to dwell as much as she did on such obviously hopeless and dark thoughts.I wish I would have listened anyway.

[MsMelancoly]

Hey native, Good to see you are back in the building!!!

Loosing your internet, that's a bummer.

Your new living arrangements sound bitter sweet. So you will be managing a B&B? I always thought that would be so cool.

Sorry, to hear there is little good news with your W. Not much you can do for her. We each are in charge of living our own lives. Make sure you keep yours happy!!

[FitChik]

I don't know where to begin....I want to know so much....how do I reach her....what can I do so that when the dust settles and she has sorted out her trauma so I can be the one she decides to be with....and how can I ensure I will still want to be that one when and if she does come around. I am so tired of her unhappiness and anger.

Does any of this have to do with her general inability to deal with stress or change, her low energy levels, depression, general fears or was some of this part of her before ? I don't know if you can help here or not, but I'm sure your exp. can shed some light here.

What does she need from me? How do I act with her? Should I wait for her, should I move on, should I pretend to move on, but really wait, or do I just let go......

I have long vascillated between anger and compassion with her....

I am getting burned out with it all. But if the dark cloud could lift from her, I'm sure she would be a much more attractive person.

Her feelings..........it seems that feelings dominate her....feelings I cannot seem to grasp....

there were times she wanted me to go with her to this dark place of despair, to understand but I was unwilling....I felt it was unhealthy to dwell as much as she did on such obviously hopeless and dark thoughts.I wish I would have listened anyway.

I am sorry things are so difficult right now. I am glad she is in counseling. That is a positive step.

I know everyone who goes through something like this deals with it differently. I stayed in a state of denial for many years before I decided to admit what happened to myself. I had many confusing emotions I did not understand where they came from - like anger and fear towards men. When I finally realized what had happened, I went through some anger, lots of sadness, frustration, etc... I also went to counseling, which helped out a lot in my healing process.

However she deals with it is specific to her. I am sure some of her depression, anger, unhappiness, etc. you mentioned could be a result of what happened to her. I am sorry you are receiving some of it indirectly. I know I tried not to let my emotions affects other people.... but it inevitably does in some way.

The anger, unhappiness, and trust issues will work themselves out with time and patience. I know for myself I didn't date for years b/c of what happened. Finally when I met my H I decided to let down my guards and give him a chance. But it wasn't easy and took a lot of courage and trust on my part. He was supportive and we took things very slow.

The best thing you can do is be supportive for her. You can do nothing to help her deal with her memories and emotions, or heal herself. She has to do the work. But being there to support and listen to her when needed is a great gift. I know having someone stick with you through such a difficult circumstance means a lot.

I hope I have given you some insight. It says a lot about your character to want to help her so much and be there for her.

[Kenn]

Hi Native,

Good to see you again. Well... you know what I mean. How's your daughter getting along?

[native]

The best thing you can do is be supportive for her. You can do nothing to help her deal with her memories and emotions, or heal herself. She has to do the work. But being there to support and listen to her when needed is a great gift. I know having someone stick with you through such a difficult circumstance means a lot.

I hope I have given you some insight. It says a lot about your character to want to help her so much and be there for her

All the listening and support seems to have not been worth a lot to her. We got divorced today.