Omg. I think the kids would be far more traumatized with a dad who's main concern is the curtailing of his swinging. He didn't even really stop, he's just "taking a break." Sick, sick, sick!
Plus, your kids are pretty well grown up now. That horse left the barn years ago.
I called and got an appointment with a MC for next week Thursday. I was hoping to get this week but our home schedule was too hectic, but this will work. I have my own IC appointment the Tuesday before.
Sometimes I'm not even sure I want to bother, or if he even does. (Because, you know, he feels angry and frustrated at me!) It feels like a technicality, a checkbox before leaving. (OK, tried option 1, didn't work, tried option 2, that didn't work, time to go...)
I was so nervous and upset while talking to H Saturday morning. I didn't cry or get weepy, but H said he could feel me shaking as we talked (my arm was next to his leg). He tried arguing his POV for swinging again, his main point being "I've seen you have some fun with it!!" I pointed out that the few good times I had are not worth the pain that I also feel. The number one rule in swinging is "NO MEANS NO!" And it's corollary- "no explanations required". So I'm saying no to the lifestyle. I can't believe he put "on a break" on the joint profiles. It seems like he keeps it one level down from where it's really at. When we were on a break before this, he put nothing on there. Now that I'm done, he announces a break. It looks like he's in serious denial.
His other big peeve aginst me- I don't tell what I'm truly thinking. That is admitted- it's a bad habit I got into when I was scared. Later when I would try to tell him what I was thinking, especially over the last couple years, I was repeatedly told why I was wrong to think/feel the way I did, and after awhile, it became easier to just say nothing and go along with the program. First I stopped telling what I thought and felt, now I don't even tell him what happens during my day. I don't have much to say except for family business matters. Bottom line for him, our problems are still all on me...
After our talk, I was busy with D16, getting her ready for her driver's license testing, and H spent the rest of the day looking like he had been sucker punched. I guess he was feeling better by Sunday, because he was back to asking for bj's. In the morning, he made advances while we were in the shower together, and I was feeling bad for him so I took care of him while we were in the shower. Later that night, we were watching TV in bed together, he asked for another one which I ignored and kept watching the TV. After about 15 minutes of being ignored, he grabs my hand and places it where he wanted it. Fine, I make a half-hearted attempt but it must have been good enough, he was satisfied.
Boy, do I look pathetic reading what I just typed. I can't say no to H or watch him be mad without feeling guilty and this has been a dilemma for me for a long time. I mean really- look at at what I've done because of it! And now, it feels like sex is one of the last connections that I have with H (the other being parents to S and D) so that I feel like if I turn him down in that area, things are really over. It's the final string to cut- after that it's all business/finances.
So current status- I'm calling a MC first thing tomorrow and getting an appointment as soon as possible. I'll see how it goes after a couple of sessions, and rethink my living arrangements at that time.
You are both going to have to be straight with the mc about the swinging. H does know that, right? Of course, he's ok with it and probably thinks the MC is going to set you straight.
Honey, I pray for you to have the strength to make the very best choices for yourself.
BTW - Anybody that tell you that you have insecurities HAS their own load of insecurities.
And the need for variety is absolute BS.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
I'm so sorry...I think H asking for BJs is a form of control. IMO, H is selfish and disrespectful. What about your needs? Has H ever put your needs before his own? Has H ever just satisfied you like you do him?
Maybe I'm wrong as I am looking at it from a woman's point of view. I'd love to know what some of the men think.
Me: 39 H: 39 S: 15 M: 18 years Bomb: 6/3/09 H moved out: 10/15/09 H moved back:5/30/10
No, Ashlee.... I'd love to say that your perspective was all wrong, but I think you are right. He doesn't want a wife, he wants a sex toy. Bunny, there's a line between having sex with him when you might not 100% want to (which is probably a good thing, now and then, as long as it works both ways... which I am guessing isn't the case) and being coerced into a bj just to get him to leave you alone. He's has way crossed that line. Clearly with him no doesn't come close to meaning no. Once you let him get away with it once, he is just going to keep pushing, and be even more angry when you won't.
I agree with Wifey, it's all got to come out in MC. He is going to be really disappointed, I think. Because I can't see any C thinking what he wants from you is ok.
I agree with giving this a try, so that you can feel that you've left no stone unturned. But a fairly large part of me wants to scream at you that he is still just trying to use you, and you should run as fast as you can!
I think that you are doing good by going to a MC with your H. Just like Jeff posted, leave no stone unturned.
My biggest concern...you are telling him that you do not like the swinging lifestyle, that you want to leave because of it and the way that he treats you and what does he do, argues his POV. HE also just put 'on a break' which really means that he thinks he can sway you to doing it again in the future. Then he gets satisfied twice on his terms. SELFISH, SELFISH, SELFISH!!!
He simple used you. I know that sounds harsh and I am sorry but that is exactly how I see it. If I tell my H no, sure he sulks a bit but I don't feel guilty about it, I'M just not interested and he should respect that. Your H obviously doesn't respect you when you say no. He knows that you will just do it.
Please be careful with this. I understand giving it a go with the MC, I did it too. But SET BOUNDERIES in the meantime. If he can't stay within the bounderies, you have your answer.
Me-31 Him-28 D1-9 D2-6 Married 5-06 Seperated 12-07 He filed 1-08 Reconciled 4-08 D dropped 7-08 Bomb dropped about H's activities outside the marriage 4-21-09 Filed for D 4-28-09 Trying to make a go of it 6-09
I agree with the other posters about him pushing your boundaries STILL. No should mean no. If he was going to sulk, whine, pout or threaten to leave (um, seems like he's a bit scared YOU might do that), you could just say, "Sorry, not interested, and even LESS interested when you act like a 2-year old."
It seems like he needed a way to...hmmm...reassure himself that he was still in control. You knocked him for a loop, and so he's got to make sure he's still Alpha.
Do you remember the scene in Jurassic Park where the T-Rexes keep bumping into the electric fence (before it all goes terribly wrong)? The guide/ranger tells the group that they are testing the fence for weaknesses, despite being shocked horribly.
Your H is like that T-Rex. He is testing for weak spots. He didn't remove the profiles because he is certain he is going to bully you back in to the lifestyle.
No matter what happens in your sitch, you need to learn how to set and keep boundaries. I think there's a book many people recommend on this site called Boundaries in Marriage. It is from a Christian perspective, but I understand it's not really preachy (and I'm not particularly religious). Maybe your C can help you work on this area too.
Do you know what your non-negotiables are? I suggest you think about that and write it. Then, bring it with you to MC. YOU are going to have to speak up FIRST. Your H is going to try to take control of that arena too. Bring in your non-negotiable list, and make sure the C hears about the pressure to swing.
It's okay to set boundaries to keep yourself happy and healthy. There is nothing wrong with you. Your H is a bully, and he's not used to hearing 'no.' Be prepared for a lot of loud fireworks and pushing as you set your boundaries. But honey, you have got to stick up for yourself and stand firm.
"I'm sorry you aren't happy about this, but this is a boundary of mine. I am not willing to be disrespected in this matter."
Meanwhile, I might buy H a gift certificate for yoga and pilates lessons...you know, to increase flexibility so he can...ahem...take care of his own BJ needs....
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
His other big peeve aginst me- I don't tell what I'm truly thinking. That is admitted- it's a bad habit I got into when I was scared. Later when I would try to tell him what I was thinking, especially over the last couple years, I was repeatedly told why I was wrong to think/feel the way I did, and after awhile, it became easier to just say nothing and go along with the program. First I stopped telling what I thought and felt, now I don't even tell him what happens during my day. I don't have much to say except for family business matters. Bottom line for him, our problems are still all on me...
I have been lurking here for weeks, although I did post once about my situation (I think it's more than 20 pages back by now), and out of everything (and there's a LOT) I've read on here these words, YOUR words, jumped off the computer screen and hit me like a ton of bricks...I didn't know whether to cry or get sick so just got up from my desk and went for a short walk. What I am dealing with is nothing like what you are facing, but I could have written these exact same words. I feel hopeless against it and cannot seem to overcome it.
You are handling a truly extraordinary situation with grace; please know that I am pulling for you.
I might be wrong here, but getting in the shower with him may have given the message that you had softened your stance. That may be a boundary you could consider - not showering together until you see the mc.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
You may right. And I was considering a total no-contact boundary for the next week until the MC session. The only contact we have is sexual, anyways, so the only impact will be at night. I think sex just adds to the confusion in my head right now. One week of no sex won't kill him, right guys?
The weird thing this week is that H acts like nothing is wrong. If he feels troubled, he does a good job of hiding it, or he's in denial. I can't tell which it is. We have plenty of family stuff going on to keep us busy and distracted until the MC. D got her drivers license yesterday, S is having wisdom teeth pulled today, family wedding in MI this weekend, S leaves for college next week, etc...
And I intend to pull no punches when we do see the counselor- he will hear it all. But really, when I come right down to it, I'm not sure what good it is going to do. I'm afraid it's going to be more of a negotiation of a split rather than working on repairing our M. I don't see his pride allowing him to acknowledge any responsibility for issues in our marriage, he hasn't so far in 20 years. I know mine is a failure to speak up and assert myself. So, we'll see how it goes- we've got nothing to lose at this point.
