Well, plan flummuxed slightly. He emailed me today about a bank account that the bank hasn't split yet so I had to email him back. Very light though but friendly.
I do like the plan to branch out your communication. It is definitely a little tweak to bring him slightly out of "easy" which is good at this point I think! Time will tell.
If he never texts you back and keeps e-mailing, maybe you could send him a text after work one night saying "sorry I didn't get a chance to reply to your e-mail, work was crazy." Then answer his question via text?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Julia, I like the analysis! That's great that you are reconsidering the big picture of your interactions.
This is a little crazy, but I have been trying to limit my time on the computer for numerous reasons. After going through one full day of complete NO computer, i realized how much time I spend in front of a screen for no particular reason. I started not even turning the computer on until after lunch or even later. Maybe you could start checking your email less frequently (once a day, or at 12 pm and 4 pm only, or not on saturdays, or whatever worked for you) and then just tell him you were doing email detox.
You could even set a auto-reply that said, I'm not going to be on the computer for X amount of time, if you need to contact me please call me at (your number).
Kind of crazy but might be worth a try. love! REBECCA
(((T, Michelle))) Thank you so much for your ideas and thoughts.
Michelle, the problem is he either texts or emails, never phones or rarely face-to-face. I thought perhaps I might try calling soon. He hasn't transfered the cat insurance to my name so I thought perhaps instead of emailing I might call. But not for a little while, I don't want to stalk
T, that is a really good plan. I kind of have taken some email mangement steps with him. I changed my email address and told everyone except h, he still uses my old one. Therefore if I check that address it is because I am specifically checking for him so I am mentally prepared and there are no rude shocks. The issue of limiting my computer time is that I am stuck in front of one all day for work and he knows that. I have limited my evening and weekend use though. I'll muse on that though and see if it is workable as it is an excellent idea.
I have a feeling he is building up to something like buying a place with her. I don't want to predict the future but my intuition is telling me that from bits and pieces I am picking up. I could be wrong but it is better I prepare myself for something.
Maybe modify what I said above to "busy at work, didn't get a chance to reply to your e-mail, so called to discuss"?
Does the feeling that things are moving along with H and OW motivate you to push harder? Do you think you should pull back and see if things blow up with them? You seem quite intent on building on this friendship, which is good for DB progression of course.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Michelle, it definitely does which is why i'm pulling back a little. I can't compete with an ideal in his head so I am not going to try. If things blow up it is going to take a lot of time I think, he can't seem to settle, it is almost like if he stops he'll have to face himself. Of course that is my opinion and subjecture, I know I am probably wrong but it is my intuition about him.
I am intent on building friendship but with the goal of moving to the next level. I'm not sure I can just be friends with him. However the only way it'll work is if he makes some effort and I think the only way that'll happen is if I pull back a little and not initiate for a while. I have been doing all the 'work' for a long time now and I feel like having now moved it is a good time to see if he steps up a little. It has worked in the past in getting him to move me and also by going dark, I have a feeling he'll still keep in touch. Gosh, I'm all about the intuition tonight
Lisa, I believe I have seen the gorgeous Rebecca's name on my thread before.
Your interesting topic has prompted this lurker (me) to come out of the shadows. This is my debut post so please be patient with me. I'm not certain how to drive this thing yet. I've historically been a poor correspondent so this would be a big 180 for me.
It sounds as though you have worked at changing different aspects of your dynamic with H in the past, so I want to say that I admire that. About 5 weeks ago I decided to try to change the distancer-pursuer dynamic with my WAH (separated for 11 months) by not responding promptly to his e-mails and trying to get him to initiate more contact. I was surprised at the emotional impact this had on me. I started having a lot of difficulty with depression, even though I had done really quite well until that point. I'm offering this information to give you a warning that this might happen to you as well. This process made me feel as though I was pulling away from my H and the memory of our wonderful time together. I have been talking to Jody the DB coach throughout my sitch (she is FABULOUS!) and she said that just because I'm waiting for H to initiate for a period of time, that doesn't mean that the dynamic of my communication with him has changed forever. This can just be a test to see how H responds. That really helped me to look at this "experiment" through different eyes. I thought this perspective might help you as well.
Interestingly, after 4 weeks, H began replying very quickly (within 20-60 minutes) to my e-mails and text messages. After 5 weeks he finally accepted, for the first time, an informal invitation to share dinner at the home we used to live in together (H came over to pick up some things but we visited for 2 hours before he began collecting the boxes he came for). In hindsight it seems that working to change the dynamic may have moved us a baby step toward more equal footing in the relationship. I wanted to give you some feedback about the time frame that was required to get a tiny baby step forward in my sitch. I thought it might help you in some way.
I am sending you positive thoughts for peacefulness and courage in your attempt to change the dynamic of communication with your H. Thank you very much for sharing! There are many of us "lurkers" who have appreciated your thoughtful posts, more than you know.
(((((g)))))) <---- this is a hug Welcome goodattitude girl!!! Thank you for having the courage to post and come out of the shadows!!!!!!!!
((((lisa))) I think you might be right, I didn't even realize I did that It's funny because for a while I started signing emails transformer before I realized what I was doing
(((Michelle))) love your observations!!!
((((J)))) Michelle's observations ring true to me. The funny thing is when I REALLY am busy doing other stuff that's when B seems to step up. So maybe being less responsive, either on purpose or by accident, will help.
