Your interesting topic has prompted this lurker (me) to come out of the shadows. This is my debut post so please be patient with me. I'm not certain how to drive this thing yet. I've historically been a poor correspondent so this would be a big 180 for me.
It sounds as though you have worked at changing different aspects of your dynamic with H in the past, so I want to say that I admire that. About 5 weeks ago I decided to try to change the distancer-pursuer dynamic with my WAH (separated for 11 months) by not responding promptly to his e-mails and trying to get him to initiate more contact. I was surprised at the emotional impact this had on me. I started having a lot of difficulty with depression, even though I had done really quite well until that point. I'm offering this information to give you a warning that this might happen to you as well. This process made me feel as though I was pulling away from my H and the memory of our wonderful time together. I have been talking to Jody the DB coach throughout my sitch (she is FABULOUS!) and she said that just because I'm waiting for H to initiate for a period of time, that doesn't mean that the dynamic of my communication with him has changed forever. This can just be a test to see how H responds. That really helped me to look at this "experiment" through different eyes. I thought this perspective might help you as well.
Interestingly, after 4 weeks, H began replying very quickly (within 20-60 minutes) to my e-mails and text messages. After 5 weeks he finally accepted, for the first time, an informal invitation to share dinner at the home we used to live in together (H came over to pick up some things but we visited for 2 hours before he began collecting the boxes he came for). In hindsight it seems that working to change the dynamic may have moved us a baby step toward more equal footing in the relationship. I wanted to give you some feedback about the time frame that was required to get a tiny baby step forward in my sitch. I thought it might help you in some way.
I am sending you positive thoughts for peacefulness and courage in your attempt to change the dynamic of communication with your H. Thank you very much for sharing! There are many of us "lurkers" who have appreciated your thoughtful posts, more than you know.
