I have been reading posts here for a while and am planning to get the DB book. but I have a question... how do you put any of this into play when the dynamics are such: He is stationed in another state and we have been apart for 1.5 years. we still have 3 more months before he transfers back home. For many reason things were very rocky before he left, but during the 1st few months we agreed to try to work things out. in the last month I have been informed that he wants a divorce and is not amicable to any type of therapy or even retrouvialle.. I tried and he decided against it. He wants me to be out of the house before he comes back and will give me till mid 2010 before he files for divorce. ( he will be in town for 3 months and then leaves again for 6) I do not want to just give up my marriage with out a fight, but as I have learned from reading your posts.. I am "fighting" a loosing battle. so how do I do anything when we are not in the same state and he gets angry and withdraws when I want to talk?? THanks for any suggestions you may have!!
M - 45 1st marriage H - 45 2nd M -T - 14 yrs M - 13 yrs S - due to job location since 1/08 B - 7/6/2009 EA revealed -9/3/2009 began 6/09 E/A end 9/09 piercing: since 10/09 long distance
ok I have been reading more post and I have definately observed that the men are trying to look within themselves to see what they have and have not done to bring on the WAWs etc. My husband is alot like "BillM" and some others were before the wifes dropped the bomb. I am wondering if I should have become a WAW over the past years, instead of the road I took trying to be logical and "talk" him into realizing that he was hurting the marriage. Over time I have asked for us to get help and have noted what I needed for change..I have never strayed or been disloyal, but became a nagging B witch instead. Now he is done.. so I am think that there is nothing I can do to change it... This is very difficult..
M - 45 1st marriage H - 45 2nd M -T - 14 yrs M - 13 yrs S - due to job location since 1/08 B - 7/6/2009 EA revealed -9/3/2009 began 6/09 E/A end 9/09 piercing: since 10/09 long distance
I am not sure how to DB when someone is in another state. Actually that could be an advantage in helping you to detach but the drawback is that he cannot see your changes.
That by no menas signifies that it is impossible to DB in this situation. I would say detaching and going dark or no contact would be obvious starting points since you said that you were pursuing etc. You say that you have been separated for 1 and 1/2 years. How have you been communicating during that time? Do you initiate? Does he? What is the pattern or dynamic like? We need a little more information to help see how you can do 180s and shake things up. If you can post a bit more on your sitch that will really help.
They are a lot of experienced DBusters on this site (I am not one) and I am sure they will weigh in. But I'll still add in my 2 cents to help get the ball rolling.
HI Kara, Thanks for stopping by.. and for the hope! I didnt go into too many details because I am afraid if I open the flood gates.. I will write a novel.. so here is some info.. feel free to ask for more.
He is military so he had to transfer up north for part of a 3 yr det.. as we had a newer home and he would be going out to sea alot..I stayed in the house down south. He will transfer back to my location after 2 years up north. ( in 3 months)
I am his 2nd marriage, he is my 1st.. and the dynamics of the 1st - x wife and kids of course bring their own issues. His leaving for 6 months at at a time was not an issue as I am a military child. so I am comfortable with that. however.. when he was home and when his children lived with us.. he really didnt do the dad thing well.. not a nurturer.. my strong independent personality must have been what attracted him to me, as he was comfortable letting me run the house, his life and deal with the xwife drama as well as anything else that was not military or fun... thus over the years I resented him not being involved and he resented my nagging for him to get more involved. we seperated angry when he had to move up north, but agreed shortly after that we would work together to communicate and work on the M... he is not a communicator and I am tooo much so!
we have handled things via email and phone calls. even when he was home I would email him as he was so involved with his career we would go days with out really talking..
since he dropped the bomb.. I have initiated communication unless he needs something. ( like the title to his old vehicle so he could trade it for a new racy one!!)
He has decided he is tired of everything ( his family, mom siblings etc and kids and x wife all only communicate with him when they want something.usually money. they did not go far in life and he has)
Now due to my nagging and running his life so well over the years he has decided he wants to be independent and I am no longer needed..
well I will stop now.. and hope that someone who sees this has some feedback to help me understand where he is coming from and how best to be supportive for him and try to rebuild a better marriage! thank you ...
M - 45 1st marriage H - 45 2nd M -T - 14 yrs M - 13 yrs S - due to job location since 1/08 B - 7/6/2009 EA revealed -9/3/2009 began 6/09 E/A end 9/09 piercing: since 10/09 long distance
Hmmm, well, Mary, it sure isn't going to be easy, but that doesn't mean it can't be done!
First, you know what his reaction is when you try to "talk " to him about things right now, so don't do it!
So, I think what you want to do is really focus on yourself. Make sure when he sees you, he doesn't see a desparate, nagging, B witch. Let him see a strong, self confident woman, but with compassion. And look good! (OK, it is a little shallow, but he is a man. I'm just saying.) You will have a little time while he is home to show him that you are not what he thinks you are. So, prove it. But make sure you are doing it for you.... he'll see right through any kind of acting.
Look for SMW on the boards, she will at least be able to understand your situation more than most of us.
Jeff, thank you for the thoughts. If he has it his way he wont see me at least not until I have moved out of the house and taken 1/2 the furniture with me. ( his wants not mine).. but you are right about the dont talk!! He doesnt like to share with anyone so he holds things in.. I seem to feel it is my duty to be his friend and give him advise.. yea thats not working out for me so well!! lol
I definately need to motivate on the looking good. I am thin by nature but have gained a few lbs.. I tell myself every day that I will work out and get motivated. but It is hard to do.. I just want to hang out and cry all day.. but actually I havent CRIED.. I just stay solomn with my eyes all puffy.. ARGH..
I have been reading KARA's notes and there is defintely some wisdom on her thread from so many people. I will start fresh tomorrow and work on becoming the best ME I can be!!
I will also look for SWM as you noted.. thanks so much!!
M - 45 1st marriage H - 45 2nd M -T - 14 yrs M - 13 yrs S - due to job location since 1/08 B - 7/6/2009 EA revealed -9/3/2009 began 6/09 E/A end 9/09 piercing: since 10/09 long distance
I'm glad you found us. VH (Virtually Handsome) gave you great advice. When you find something that isn't working....stop it. When you do more of what DOESN'T work...things get WORSE....so that's a great reason to stop.
And talking is not going to get it for you....that's ok....because it's just information. And--most of our communication is non-verbal, anyway.
So now....you are going to play a GREAT game of mystery. Try not to move out of the house. No nagging, but don't take care of all of the responsibilities too. Like HIS laundry, HIS things. (DO take care of things that YOU should take care of, like picking up after yourself....but DON'T pick up after HIM if he comes around.)
I want to say something that Michele said to me early on. This guy MIGHT be your basic non-committal type, and while you can change so much about your dynamics, you are not going to change who he is. So while you can get him back.....be careful what you ask for. It is always going to be a lot of work to get your needs met. (That is....the things that lead you to nag might still be there, so you will have to find another way.)
Do you want to do that?
On the other hand.....it's always good for it to be YOUR decision and not his. So .... work it girl. Go for the goal.
Look your best, smell your best....etc. Be mysterious....that means ... not weird, but don't be predictable. Don't be very available to him. DO NOT try to 'talk' about it. And avoid the conversation. If you get 'stuck'....just listen. Tell him you really want to understand his point of view. Then you are NOT going to give your point of view. YOU will WAIT a few days. And think about it.
Last edited by sgctxok; 08/11/0902:06 AM.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
sgctxok, thanks for the feedback..odd I never thought of him as non committal, more of a self centered person who doesnt know how to put others first. didnt come from a family that taught that..but that could be a possibility.
household stuff was never an issue, he is a clean freak and does more than his fair share.. the big issue is .. when he comes home and I am still here it will be very cold in this house. He is an easy going person until he decides hes DONE.. I saw him interact with his 1st wife.. and he has also been distant to me in the past. he is short, gruff and angry when he is forced to interact with someone he feels anger towards..
I am going to TRY.. yes that is the best I can do for now.. TRY to motivate to GAL and let my obsession go..I have 2 months until he comes back (mid oct) to prepare for the freeze.. The group on DB is defintely helping me see that I cant Make him do anything and obsessing over what I can not control is only making it worse for me and the M...
M - 45 1st marriage H - 45 2nd M -T - 14 yrs M - 13 yrs S - due to job location since 1/08 B - 7/6/2009 EA revealed -9/3/2009 began 6/09 E/A end 9/09 piercing: since 10/09 long distance
I am not so good today, but I did delete both his work and his new cell phone # out of my contacts. I have to take steps to ensure I dont call and bug him
Does it seem to any of you that when things go bad in one area they fall apart in others too.. I cant seem to get simple things into play so that I can focus on something besides POOR ME...
I guess the world.. and god.. are telling me that I need to go have fun and not TRY to do anything.. which this morning also includes work.. I cant seem to log in to a program I need to work.. luckily I am self employed and can try again later so instead of getting more depressed cuz even the little things arent working I will find a happy thought, shower and dress nice so I can feel good about ME today!!
Mac.. I looked for your main thread, but you have so many posts I couldnt run thru them all ... shoot me the link when you have time..
HAPPY THOUGHTS TO ALL!!
Last edited by MaryEL; 08/11/0912:22 PM.
M - 45 1st marriage H - 45 2nd M -T - 14 yrs M - 13 yrs S - due to job location since 1/08 B - 7/6/2009 EA revealed -9/3/2009 began 6/09 E/A end 9/09 piercing: since 10/09 long distance
