back after 10 weeks of recovery and need some help

[steady]

First of all,

All the stuff your W has been saying is nothing new here on the boards. I could have pretty much typed everything that you said has come from her mouth. Don't pay attention to it. Proof of this is - on 8/8 you wrote: "W says she was in a bad place and started learning what her options were. Says she threw them away as she is not going down that path."

Then the very next day you wrote:

"Wife dropped the D bomb this morning. Says she knows it in heart that we can't be married. I deserve better than her."

Now for you.

The single most important thing you need to do is detach. I cannot stress this enough. I repeat, I cannot stress this enough. Detaching is the key to everything here as it is for anyone who finds themselves here trying to save their M.

I don't want to hear about your $ problem...go out and buy yourself one shirt and one new pair of pants...jeans, slacks, whatever you fancy. Buy them for you as a small reward for the hard work you have been doing.

You have no idea what is going to happen tomorrow, never mind 8 months or a year from now. Any projection forward in your mind is a total waste of time. Go listen to Byron Katie's audiobook - Loving What Is. That will help you keep it in the now.

1. You have to detach. Non-detachment makes you move around on the roller coaster with your W as her feelings and thoughts change minute by minute, day by day. Detaching will give you a point of view to operate from which is not all wrapped up with your emotions. A side benefit of detaching is it will create a vacuum between you and your W. The more detached you are from the outcome, the better your chances become. I know this sounds paradoxical, because it is. The less you desire to be with her, the bigger the vacuum that will be created. Getting to this point of detachment is so very hard because it's so subtle, but you can do it.

2. Focus on you. Find and make the changes to yourself that you see need improvement. Do this for you with no intention of causing a change in your M situation. This is all intertwined with detachment.

3. As you improve and become the man you want to be your W will have to make a decision. She will either join you and walk together, or not. That is HER decision and you have absolutely no control over that.

When she tells you she knows you can't ever be together as a H and W because she 'loves you but isn't in love with you' you might want to ask her this:

"When we started dating were we in love?" (of course the answer has to be no)
"So where did the love come from?" (obviously is was built by actions on both your parts)

My point is this - if both parties are willing I believe it can be resurrected and built again. The key here is both parties wanting to do the work.