What has worked for me/Update wife said she done

[whereami]

I found this sight in June, and posted my story then. I received great advice here and from books that were recommended to me.

At the same time I was receiving all this my W was adamant on getting a D, and was told all of the stuff I'm sure most have been told before. I was also told by W that there was no way we could EVER patch things up and become a couple again. She told me she hated me couldn't, stand me, doesn't want to talk to me or see me, and for a while she was not staying at home.

There came a point that for me I was done with all of the abuse she was throwing at me. In my mind I had been trying everything from counseling, self help books, antidepressants, this website, and anything I thought could help my situation.

I also made many mistakes especially in the beginning. Just like most I begged, pleaded, pursued, and whatever else I shouldn't have done I probably did.

Don't get me wrong I by no means was a perfect husband in fact from the stories I have read on here there were many spouses here that were better partners then I was.

I had been trying to detach for a while, and couldn't figure out how to. Then after one disrespectful event after another I finally let go, and my mind was made up to get out of this abusive situation.

We went for almost a month without talking or seeing each other. I started to enjoy myself, and even went on a few dates. My wife definitely knew I was moving on.

It wasn't until she knew I had started to move on that she even seemed interested in anything that had to do with me.

She then started to call me for no reason at all, several times a day I would get texts like "just wanted to say hi". I could tell that she was having second thoughts.

Instead of jumping back into trying to save our marriage. I have decided to take it slow and not rush back into things so that i don't end up where I just came from.

I have been on several dates with my W, and have even been intimate on a few occasions. I have not let my guard down completely, and neither has she, but I'm in a better place with my relationship then I thought was possible a month ago.

I just wanted to give an update as to where my situation was and now is, and hope my story can bring some hope to others that feel their marriage can't be saved.

I'm not out of the wood by no means. I just think I'm heading down the path of reconciliation.

[harpo]

Thanks for the insight....and good luck to you

God Bless

[gucci loafer]

We went for almost a month without talking or seeing each other. I started to enjoy myself, and even went on a few dates. My wife definitely knew I was moving on.

It wasn't until she knew I had started to move on that she even seemed interested in anything that had to do with me.

She then started to call me for no reason at all, several times a day I would get texts like "just wanted to say hi". I could tell that she was having second thoughts.

Instead of jumping back into trying to save our marriage. I have decided to take it slow and not rush back into things so that i don't end up where I just came from.

I have been on several dates with my W, and have even been intimate on a few occasions. I have not let my guard down completely, and neither has she, but I'm in a better place with my relationship then I thought was possible a month ago.

I just wanted to give an update as to where my situation was and now is, and hope my story can bring some hope to others that feel their marriage can't be saved.

I'm not out of the wood by no means. I just think I'm heading down the path of reconciliation.

Congratulations. This is how it is done. Hanging in there doesn't work. Letting go and having social interaction does.
Stay on this path.

[billclay18]

whereami,

How long after the bomb did you seperate? Who left?

[Orich]

It is so good to read posts like this, it gives me hope!

[mac-ct]

Orich - I ditto that thought.

Mac

[whereami]

billclay, we were living under the same roof as roommates for a little over a month, sleeping in different rooms. Then our kids went to my sisters to stay for a month, and that's when she moved out.

I used that time to GAL, and started to prepare myself for a life without W. It's not what I wanted, but I had no choice in the matter. She had made it very clear that she was done, and there was no hope, not now, not EVER.

I didn't know how to detach, and was scared that if I could detach, and not fight to save my marriage, that it would be over. I definitely wanted to feel better, and understood that if I could detach that I probably would feel better. I was depressed, probably like most on here.

My W knew that I wanted to save our marriage, and was willing do do whatever it took to do just that. I was a backup plan for her, meaning that if what she was doing didn't work out that I would be there waiting for her.

Once she realized that was not going to be the case, she seemed to come out of her fog. Her seeing me move on and truly being happy without her, I think woke her up. She has told me that when she knew I was moving on and was done chasing her, she didn't know if I would want her back, and at first I wasn't sure if I did want her back.

I felt like most here, all I wanted to do was get W to agree to try and work things out. I was trying all of the DB techniques that I thought would work in my situation. Some worked and some didn't. I would take a step forward and three steps backwards.

I'm still seeing my IC once a week, and doing things I need to do to improve me. W has not made hardly any changes that I think she should make, but it's baby steps, right. Although she has agreed to see a counselor, and work on her issues, she hasn't made an appointment yet.

Disclaimer: I'm by no means an expert when it comes to saving marriages. There are people on here that are more insightful and could give better advice then I could, and what worked for me may or may not work for others. Don't be afraid to let go of the rope if it's not getting you anywhere. What have you got to lose, and if anything you will feel better once you start to GAL, I promise.

[billclay18]

whereami,

Thanks for the re-cap. Our sitchs seem quite similar. W told me she wanted D middle of June. We have lived as roommates since, although sleeping in same bed. After the initial 2-3 weeks of emotional ups-and-downs, I've been quite even keeled (not always the case in the past...definately one needed change on my part), friendly but not too friendly (almost neighborly), detaching somewhat for my own good, keeping busy, staying out of her biz...GAL! She has not filed.

She's moving out on 8/29 and I am soooo looking forward to it. I realize separating is not always a good idea, especially in cases where LBS has been a "deadbeat" partner and needs time with WS to show changes. Our situation was completely different...I was the "do everything" partner. She needs a glimpse of life without me. I will use that time to continue working on myself, having fun and moving on with my life without her. I'm fully prepared for the finality of it all if that's what happens, but leaving the door open a bit...for now.

Thanks for sharing your story...good luck to you.

[Stronger]

I completely agree with whereami.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Me too.