"When you add OM as a friend on FB, after I told you how I felt and the boundary I thought was going to be respected. You adding him as a friend on FB makes me feel_________ and _______. If you do not remove him and if you contact him again. I will __________."
I would be very calm, strong and in control. You know what you need to do. You are already dead this can't hurt you.
Cheers Coach
Thanks Coach,
It's that third blank that's the killer.
"Or I'll what..."
The only step I can take is to begin initiating D proceedings myself
Right now I think that is exactly what she wants - to get D'd without taking responsibility for doing so.
Or what else? - or I'll get angry? Or I won't be your best friend any more?
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
Right now I think that is exactly what she wants - to get D'd without taking responsibility for doing so.
I've struggled with this myself for so long. But, you really do need to figure out what YOUR bottom line is because ultimately, it really isn't going to matter whether she files or you do. I know how you feel, I am right there but there has to be a breaking point and only you can decide where that point is.
The only step I can take is to begin initiating D proceedings myself
Right now I think that is exactly what she wants - to get D'd without taking responsibility for doing so.
You can make this all about her taking responsiblity and professing your love at the same time. I like the way Gucci says it. You probably ned to find a quote of his but it's something like this: "Wife, I will not share you with another man. If that is what you want then I will gladly intitiate a divorce. I know that I will have no problem finding another woman to love and respect me." Then detach and become very mysterious. Start the D process. Your marriage is not going to be saved in it's current state. Retro won't help if she is in this mindset. Thinker you don't control all of the cards, you have to play what you are dealt. You can handle it.
Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I always like to hear from Sara about Retro as I am putting so much into that weekend...
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Also, and of real concern is the crisis with her mom, and my real desire to "have her back" (thanks Greek) through this. Despite it all, I want to be there for her where she needs it.
What about giving her an open ended opp to visit her mom? "Hey, just let me know when you want to go for a visit - to help or be there for a treatment - whatever - and I'll arrange the flights...and the boys will be fine...I'll take care of that. You just go and be there for your mom." Or something like that.
Quote:
But...
At the same time, W is starting to once again trample on some of the boundaries that I have clearly set during the past 8 months.
Example: No Contact with OM. I have had to clearly express this one numerous times in the past 8 months. She breaks off contact, then after a while starts reaching out to him again - until I stumble on it. A number of months ago I clearly and calmly asked her to delete him from her facebook friends because she was using it to watch him and stay in contact. She complied.
Now, I just got notified by Facebook that my W has a new "Friend" - OM.
This is a deliberate act to re-establish contact, and one she had to know I would notice (Facebook announces it!)
You have to call her on this and definitively. You will NOT stand for that. You were specific when you said no contact and she is jerking you around on a boundary you set. She can have him for a friend but there is a cost and you tell her what it is... She can FB him, text him all she wants but not under your roof. Big Girl Panties time. She is either YOUR faithful wife or she is on her own. Not both. Period. That is just the kind of man you are.
Limbo has really worked in her favor and fully against yours. Limbo gives her time to put feelers out and establish a world beyond you. Nip that. Not bc it's good for her but bc it's bad for your family. Time for tough love, Thinker. You have cards, too.
Call that meeting to order. You are worth her fidelity.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
I would not go so far in the confrontation. I would just say, "Why did you friend ____ again? I thought you had promised not to do that." (Sounding confused). And then listen to what she says. Then you go on and say how it hurts you and it not only impacts your relationship with her, but also with her parents at a time when the family needs to pull together. And again, see what she says. I wouldn't threaten anything, I would just let her know that she is isn't fooling you, and she is hurting you, and perhaps even her mother at this critical time.
Asking her why she friended OM - what answer could she possibly deliver that would make it appropriate at this critical CRITICAL point in their marriage? What's the point in asking? Mrs. Thinker doesn't respect her H. I know this b/c if she did, she wouldn't put his nose in her rebellion. I think he needs to push back on her childish behavior. That's not confronting HER - it's confronting the behavior, which has been going on for a while.
Greek
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
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