GMA, exactly! If she loves her sons so much, why is she breaking apart the family? And then of course the self-pitying 'what have I done that is so terrible that you cant say ILY to me anymore?' Also, I have noticed with my W, too, that after her IC appts she is cold and distant. I do know that they were at least at one point working on moving on after leaving me.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Every time we slide though she said that she wasn't feeling the good times though. Bamn! Pow! Right in the gut!
This is going to keep happening for a while. It is completely normal for her to pull back after a particularly good time. Remember, she's confused and sorting through a lot.
Once you know its coming, it's a lot easier (not easy) to deal with.
I got that a bunch of times. One time we went on a long road trip to attend her nephew's graduation from college, and figured we make a weekend of it. We drove 8 hours and had a fantastic time the whole way up, laughing and joking, eating snacks and just generally having a very good time. This after weeks of avoidance and "I don't love you". We stayed at a hotel, went to the graduation, again having a lot of fun. Afterwards, we found some fun things to do up there, museums, wine tasting, etc. She even reached out to hold my hand!!! I was in heaven! We shopped for things to fill her curio cabinet, etc. Then on the ride home, we laughed and joked again, having a good time well into the night. She held my hand again, in the car for at least an hour while we drove home. One week later, she says she was "forcing it", that she really didn't feel it, but thought if she pushed herself she could recapture her feelings for me. That was a huge kick in the chest for me.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
One week later, she says she was "forcing it", that she really didn't feel it, but thought if she pushed herself she could recapture her feelings for me.
That's cuz love isn't a feeling. It's a decision. But you know that. It takes work to create the feelings, they don't just happen.
I know that and you know that. Hopefully after our Retrouvaille weekend, W will know that. I will say, of all the ups and downs I have been through during this process, that particular one was the most heart-wrenching. I really thought we were going to be fine. I mean, I'm not kidding, we had more fun that weekend than we have had in a long time. Then I find out that it was "artificial". That was the first time I felt true abject anger and sadness.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
I suspect it was not artificial. Rather, I think it scared her and confused her. I don't doubt she thinks it was artifical, or that she convinced herself it was to ease her guilt.
From what you are describing, she hasn't completely checked out. None of us know what's going to happen, but her actions should give you some hope. Remeber, don't believe anything they say and only half of what they do.
Right, I put that in quotes because that is what she wanted me to believe. That weekend, coupled with the text message I got a few weeks ago where she wrote she must still love me, and a few small things help me to see that she hasn't completely checked out. And this fact is my lifeline, it is what keeps me going during the Great Sadness.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Uh. So painful to read about your weekend. Boy can I relate. About 6 weeks ago we had neighborod families over for a movie night. (kids movie). w pulled me aside (where no one could see) and kissed me. She held my hand three times during the movie (she picked up my hand..I didn't each for hers.)
That was the last time we kissed.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Uh. So painful to read about your weekend. Boy can I relate. About 6 weeks ago we had neighborod families over for a movie night. (kids movie). w pulled me aside (where no one could see) and kissed me. She held my hand three times during the movie (she picked up my hand..I didn't each for hers.)
That was the last time we kissed.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
Well...I have to be honest. I was scared to go home yesterday. Elephant sitting on my chest scared. It was a horrible weekend. This far into it and I still care this much.
I have had times when I was more detached than others. As soon as she starts bringing up D, and I start thinking of my son the detachment goes away. Even though it's been 9 mos, it was only just over a month ago that we were in the same bed, she had her ring on, and we were planning a family trip (eventually cancelled)for her B'day.
I made sure I got home later than usual. Shen I got home, W and S7 were playing in his room. She greeted me with something along the lines of "Hi, if you take over here, I will go get dinner started." Inside I was asking myself "WTF? Last night you told me you were filing this week to follow your "path" and now it's 'I'll go get dinner ready?'"
In the past I would have pushed to find out what was really going on in there. Now I'll just play along. After my backsliding this weekend, I want to detach, give space and GAL for a while.
W is planning a trip to see family this weekend. She is taking S7. This never happened before the Bomb. We always went as a family. Part of my 180 was to say sure, go ahead, have fun. In an effort to get a little space from my backsliding I told her I was OK with them heading out a few days early if she wanted to.
I think a little time apart would do us some good.
Not much was said between us last night, but she's still there for now.
Me: 35 W: 31 S:9 M: 10 years Together 13 MySitch - Ups & Downs She moved out the day before Thanksgiving 2009, over 13 months post-bomb.
