Forgive me if you've already mentioned it before, but has your W ever been diagnosed with any issues similar to your S14s? I ask because they seem to have a lot in common in terms of their emotional responses to things - and I wonder if that might figure into her POV being so very different from yours at times...That said, I'm not trying to suggest analyzing your W, etc, just curious about her background in terms of how it might influence her responses to your S14's behavior.
...Also...as an aside...when I first read the email you posted, my thought instinct was to look for instances of projection - and also to think that disagreement makes someone feel ignored - but when I read your responses, I was very impressed with how much you acknowledged her point of view while still expressing your own.
Carlos,
Always nice to hear from you; how is the leg? Have you scheduled or already had the surgery? I'm putting mine off until S14 starts High School. So, it won't be any sooner than the 19th... Then it'll be tougher to physically restrain him anyways... Maybe I ought to wait to see how the first few weeks of school go...
While I hate labels (even for S14 as BP), W has been informally diagnosed by our former MC as being NPD... Or, minimally, borderline NPD... But yours truly has a severe case of LBSD...
W is hyper-defensive and has a great deal of trouble empathizing with others... He worries that her own self-interest "will trump doing what's right for the kids". I take all of these labels with a grain of salt because diagnosing personality disorders is such an inexact science. And, at the end of the day, it is what it is. It may give us more insight into how others MAY be thinking, but changing them is still largely out-of-our-control unless our own REAL changes have an equal and opposite reaction...
Thanks for the kind words about my e-mails seeming balanced to a presumably unbiased third party.
Best,
AlexEN
P.S. My thoughts are with you knowing you will be sending S12 off to school soon if you haven't already. Our time with the kids is so limited to begin with and our situations, by definition, will limit it further. Remember, it's the quality of those interactions more than ever that now matters most. What we may have taken for granted before takes on new meaning...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Alex... I feel your pain w/the kids. They can be a challenge sometimes! Our D18 is a handful! We've tried every approach possible to get through to her. Brilliant deduction... she has to take her lumps on her own to get it!
I swore at my mom one time. I sure remembered not to since I burped bubbles for days after she LITERALLY washed my mouth out with soap!
DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!
You sound like you have your hands full. Thinking good thoughts for you!
Dontcha' love our weather? WHEW! Finally summer, and now THIS? Of course, the kids were off all summer, and they had their first club soccer seeding tournament this weekend. Six games in two days in the rain/heat! It was lovely!
Hang in there, Alex!
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
The fact that you are able to think about OTHER PEOPLE when you are in the midst of your own chit is truly remarkable. You are a man of character and empathy, and it blows me away.
I tend to have the same attitude toward labels as you - since, as you say, it is what it is, and we can only truly take care of ourselves. Still, I was just wondering because of how much your W's email read to me like a deflection of issues - rather than an engagement of what's troubling your son. I may have just been reading into her email, however, as it's something I've gotten very accustomed to seeing from my STBX.
I'll answer the stuff about my knee and my son on my thread...so as not to hijack.
Have you already scheduled your surgery for your shoulder?
Hey AlexN- My password isn't working again on the FB!!
Got your message.
Just want to offer my support.
LOL... I have that same problem from time-to-time. I even locked myself out of a password-protected file that listed all of my other passwords once... But, now that I'm more trusting, I've narrowed the list down to just a few suspects...
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
He's a fine, upstanding person today at 25, even a hard worker. I never thought I'd see the day. It takes a lot of time. My concern is, if your wife has no control of your son, how is she going to deal with him 50% of the time when she is alone with him? My son is probably single-handedly responsible for my husband and myself staying together. We couldn't handle him together. But I knew alone, I didn't stand a chance.
Sara,
Interesting, but my W's approach (whether conscious or not) at this point to this question (how she is going to deal with him) seems to be by trying to make it my responsibility and my problem to fix. To @Coach's question, maybe he does realize that if he makes it impossible for her that she might realize she doesn't stand a chance and we'll have to stay together. That, in and of itself, wouldn't solve things, because unless she looks inwardly, too, I wouldn't be satisfied with our relationship. I take my share of the blame for what's happened in our relationship, but I cannot accept all of it (as I once did) nor can I accept her premise that our R caused her to go outside our M.
But, if any portion of what he is doing is under his control, I give him credit for fighting for our family, too (albeit without condoning the language or the aggression). So, if that's his "strategy", his Machiavellian approach ("the ends justifying the means") doesn't work for me either without her having some intensive therapy to work on her own issues, too.
-AlexEN
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
I don't think children intentionally make themselves sacrificial lambs. They do what they think is right with underlying guilt that somehow they are to blame.
My last post was based on my experience with my ex who is severely bipolar which is managed by medication. Even with that he can be (and is) very nasty and lashing out to those who accept it (which I did in our marriage). I viewed it as 'tapping into his manic' when he wanted to accomplish super human things at work. I was even diagnosed as bipolar because of negative impulses I'd have.
My suggestion was to use counseling and medication management as a way of helping your son deal with his feelings and impulses. I've learned that I have to be in a good place to make good decisions. That has resulted in me being much more open and honest in therapy and with the psychiatrist. I've become so much healthier in the process!
Your son with his self destructive behavior and angry impulses is not in a good place. As parents we all do the best we can. Whenever ex would write a letter slamming me, I'd look for the nugget of truth because it's always in there amidst upsetting words. The nugget I see with your wife and you is that what you're doing isn't working even though you have the best intentions.
Children unwittingly become pawns in the struggle, with each parent doing what they feel is best.
Just my thoughts for what they're worth. You live it, I only read it.
