Talking to her will do no good. In fact it will give her satisfaction and hope about how deeply she affects him.
It's easy to 'fall' for someone who seems to show complete and utter remorse. Great. Let his actions over time speak louder than his words. He's not calling the kids to give you time to heal? Wonderful. He also may not be calling because avoiding things is easier, a tactic he's used in the past.
He screwed up, pursued an alternate relationship over an extended period and failed in leaving the same relationship. He started it, fell into a cycle of lying that became easier with time and couldn't end it. He didn't care about how it effected you and your children. So he got a booboo. It's his job to fix himself, not yours.
It's not about being 'strong'. It's about making choices. Do you want a 'weak' man (as you have accurately described him over time) as your spouse? Can you trust him to look out for what is in your best interest at this time? Love is a given, trust is earned. And he has lost your trust.
Stop reading the emails, looking at the letters, thinking that talking to the both of them will make a difference. Those emails will not give you the answers you seek, there is no 'ah ha' moment. In the end you torture yourself.
Heck, he 'doesn't care' what you do about contacting her. What does that say? Where is his responsibility in this? A woman who actively pursues a married man selfishly disrespects his vows. The husband in the midst of a carnal relationship actively chooses to lie, blame and force his spouse to think she's at fault. He does it so well, the family and professionals agree with him and the pressure increases on you.
Maria.. you have an EXCELLENT bullshit meter. It's telling you not to go there. It's time to take care of you. Step away from what hurts you. Stop raking your nails over the open wound you have. I repeat your brilliant line you told him to my friends, "You're not worth the gum on my shoes."
The truth of what you had suspected and confirmed came out unfiltered. Let go of the past, don't worry about the future (co parenting, etc.) Stay in the present.
You wanted him to be a knight in shining armor, as you believed him to be. He's not. And you're not a damsel in distress that needs his type of 'rescuing'. Stride forward.
When my STBX had her affair a few years ago, eventually did what you did - I saw all the exchanges between them - from text messages to emails - and it was grueling - particularly because it was never enough...it was just enough to hurt me - but there was never any kind of answer in those words between them - just the awareness that she was lost to me in some way...I took her back after that - and sometimes I think it was my mistake...since I never allowed her to look at herself the way your H must now look at himself.
I had the same thing happen with my STBX. I took her back and here we are again. She has never been 'alone' so she has never had to look at herself or take RESPONSIBILTY for her actions. She could always blame me.
Now, she has OM (man-boy) and is living poorly. I hope she learns and grows from this.
Kalni, he got caught in his lies. Plain and simple. Now he doesn't want to pay the penalty. Give him the gift of allowing him to own his consequences and pay his penalty. Allow him to hurt and suffer for what he has done.
Stop the snooping and wanting to talk to them both. It only hurts you and prolongs your pain. Let go. Drop the rope.
I know I just wailed you, but I wanted to write here aswell. don't you dare meet her. You're better than that and you know it. You told me once to stop giving the aubergine power over me by mentioning her and thinking about her. Well, it's the same thing here....
You're not mad for feeling compassion. Obviously if your H is turning on the waterworks you're going to feel sympathetic towards him. That's because you're such a loving and compassionate person. But don't do the 'quick forgive' and agree to talk. Don't speak to him at all. let him see the full implications of his behaviour for himself and without any contact from your family/friends etc. The only contact, IMHO, should be with his kids. Then he'll really see what he's done. And then.... let's see.
Hey Maria, just got in and read your recent post as well as all the ones from the folks who care for you here. I agree with all of them. Maybe FIB and I lack some of the politically correctness and perhaps what can be perceived as kindness in our posts, however, we are all saying the same things. YOU DESERVE ALOT BETTER than what H has dished out in the last couple of years. Gypsy summed it up nicely with her usual prose but with an edge this time... It is normal for you to still have feelings. I think we all have them from time. When I reason with myself however, they slowly fade. I often ask myself what would happen if XW would come back and feel remorse and apologize (won't happen). I know what should happen and that is me telling her that she is not the type of person I want to spend the rest of my life with. What kind of relationship would we have? Once the trust is gone, the rest fades away as well. Ok...enough about me...well you asked for it....here it goes: This was not a one night stand Maria...THREE YEARS....off and on.....LIES on his whereabouts and even her existance! I know that this has blind sided you....during our exchanges you barely believed she even existed. This must have come as a huge shock. Do not feel ashamed.... You were on your way to ending it on the 25th if things did not change....things did change....for the worse. I am sorry I even defended him in the past....what has transpired in the last three years is punishable by hanging by the part of his anatomy that he has been using elsewhere! If he were a real person (remember that book you suggested the Real man or something like that...hell I even read it), he would have admitted his errors and supported you and your kids financially during the last two years instead of keeping all his cash from two jobs for himself. PLEASE do not tell me he has no clue about finances.... He would have gone to counselling with you to try to make it work....he would have tried to make amends for his behaviour someway, somehow....Definately NOT by ignoring you and your needs (I am not only talking physical needs). He would have taken the leed....Instead he decided to do what????? LIE to everyone! Is this the kind of person you want to spend the rest of your life with? Forget about talking to the OW....she is as bad as he is......
Whew, since your story is pretty much my own in a nut shell (3 yrs of OW, dad's illness, living a life treating OW as his W,etc.), I'm sure getting the benefit from the insightful posts on your thread & getting good direction.
It is hard to watch when the consequences hit home for them.
I still wonder how they could have watched the effect on us so seemingly easily. The truth is they did.
All I can say is I think Gypsy's words are excellent and right to the point.
Work on you. Stop everything that is about him. He has to clean up his own house. It is no longer your responsibility.
Your "falling" for his remorse is natural, but again, he is all talk and no action. When his action meets his talk, then you can consider interacting w/him again.
For now, let him deal w/his own pain and you concentrate on yourself, your children and your family.
STBX has made his bed and now he needs to lie in it. He was trying to "get away w/it" w/out being caught. He blamed and accused you and said you were to be blame for your marital problems. He "gaslighted" you into thinking you were the problem and not him.
He's a master manipulator who has been exposed. Now it is his turn to sit and take the beating he deserves.
You are right. He needs to pay but not by my drastic actions. I will stay away, cold and distant as I feel in general and everytime I feel weak, I will remind myself all the nights I spent crying while he was living with us and was late because he was [censored] her. That should do it.
Need to sign papers fast. Need to find my mojo, faster Need to resume my life.
I have 2 wonderful kids And I can say I've done everything and mean it
I am done with H. Never meant anything else. What I meant was that at times I wanted to tell him "I understand" just to make it easier for him. To "save" him. Nope, I wont do that. He needs to clean up his own mess.
Carlos, Gyp, frank you all struck some chords John, gracie caro Bbj, xxxx sunny, in solidarity Rob:master manipulator, yep, got you!! Lisa, yep, implications Kerry, Michele, Jeff, everyone, I will stay away from her Al, missed you. sept is close enough, fine by me mate...
Thanks for clarifying. It's hard to let go of having been a couple. It becomes instinct to care about the other's needs, be supportive. I still have to work on getting out of a fog on the few occasions ex have to work as a couple on some issues. It's lucky he sends insulting emails to hasten me back to reality.
Having a plan is great.
Do what you need to do to get through dealing with him at this time. Set your boundaries of how he's allowed in the house, what type of interactions you have with him. You've always had good instincts.
Be the you within. You are so beautiful inside and out, captivating with such quick wit and intelligence. Letting the sunshine emerge brings rainbows amidst the storm.
