"I see this now. Its not enough to just have faith. You have to put work into changing you also. It was a hard realization to come to. I didn't want to admit that I couldn't do it alone. But I can't. I don't have the tools to do it alone."
Gee I guess you never heard THAT before. Give me a break. We've been telling you this from day one and you kept arguing against us. We'll see if you actually make any changes or if you are just going to just start it up again but not follow through.
Not even 25mlc has been posting to you.
Like so many who have stopped posting to you already said before"
Detach Go to Counseling GAL
Sorry things went the way they did, but let's face it, we could see it coming except for you. Do something about it.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
Working on it. The C has not gotten back with me again and I haven't been as persistent in following up as I should.
Kevin
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
Me 36, W 37 M: 08/02/97 D13, D9 1st Bomb 02/08 Reconciled 04/08 2nd Bomb: 09/08 W filed for D 02/04/09 Separated 03/09 D dismissed 06/09/09 Still separated...
I don't know what you are learning from this. I really don't. Maybe nothing. Or another "3 day lesson" in which you briefly "get it" but when the reality of the work you have to do sets in, you'll regress and go back to your "faith" of doing nothing hard, but expecting God to help you "b/c you believe and pray and preach to others..." which is not hard for you. That alone should tip you off that it isn't enough to get on the right track if you constantly choose the easy routes and wonder and wonder WHY some people here seem frustrated with you....while you play the "confused hapless Kevin..." But I know you enough to know it's an act. So lose the clueless act and clue in.
"God helps those who help themselves" and you were sent a lot of help here. But your stubborness stopped you from listening, and you kept choosing the easy way out under the guise of God. It's a misuse of faith, which is why I recommended the book "Blue Like Jazz" b/c it addresses how people do this a lot (but it's written by a believer.)
Anyhow SO YOU FELL...join the club of those who ARE sober and clean. Did you know that successful recoverers, meaning those of us who really do STAY sober and clean, usually include 1-2 relapses? Did you know that? Most successful recovering alcoholics stumble at least once, even after being sober for years, before they take the drink that gets them back into the old pattern. It's NOT always the first drink that gets them into trouble, so they fool themselves thinking "Hey, I can handle it NOW. See? I only had 2 or 3...." At some point they have THE DRINK (Or drinks) that hurts them, or those they love, or total strangers in a car crash...(BTW, If you get a DUI now, you won't see the girls except maybe with supervised visits-and your wife will just love driving them to see you, NOT!).
But there are those who DO get sober and clean and at some point, they STAY clean and sober. They learn from their fall(s) so they don't keep stumbling. Be one of them. Don't fall so much that you stop getting up, and or stay in the gutter. As bad as you feel, you and your d's are worth being sober for. Do you want clear memories of them, or a blurred embarrassed recall of times you "maybe" were with them? What do you want THEIR recall of you to be? You passed out or slurring your speech, or yelling vulgarities at their mom, or muttering self pitying comments about how your life sucks and all is lost and hopeless...???? YOU DECIDE how you'll be recalled and viewed. To an extent. B/C You control whether you will be recalled as sober or drunk. But the rest of other's perceptions are what you have NO control over. Let those go...
Furthermore, your recovery will need to address the long term depression you have described having, which will help you address why you drank in the first place, which might have been self medicating, and why you drank while "happily" married, and continued to do so now, when stressed.
The main thing is this--
You continue to do a lot of looking backwards. Stop it. It's like you are trying to walk forwards WHILE still LOOKING backwards, staring at the past and lamenting it over and over. Imagine walking backwards...
Of course you stumbled, which you will keep doing b/c you are; 1) NOT seeing where you are, not looking around at what you could have NOW in your life and being grateful for it, and what you could be doing, instead of looking back at your past mistakes over & over and SO; 2) you can't see where you are headed even with SO MANY people warning you & So, of course you stumbled. Stop looking backwards. STOP IT.
Get the girls into c, both of them, and let the experts decide how much they each need. Stop apologizing to your wife, or worrying about whether she'll file. Nothing you say and no sentence worded just right, will change her mind. You have no control over her or that, BUT the more 12 Step meetings you attend, & the and more often you say The Serenity Prayer, the more peace you will find in accepting this REALITY...
You have to do the work on YOU and for ONCE, leave the results up to Him. THAT'S FAITH... I can't say that anymore plainly.
Listen well at the AA meetings, and don't judge. Everyone has a story to tell, from which YOU can learn. Nothing that you've described is something I haven't heard. Though you took longer than most people to make obvious choices, considering the amount of advice, but hey Kevin, at least you came here looking... That's something. It's clear to me that your obsessing about her is not a sign of love. It's NOT....really. LISTEN TO US when we tell you to let her go. (No one said give up). We said LET HER GO....[/color] And move on now. The PAST IS PASSED.... Re-read the post I gave you about Mrs. Edwards over and over, and deal with what IS now, not what once was, or might have been or you thought was...but what IS now and might be for YOUR LIFE, please.... Say the Serenity Prayer, hourly. I mean that. It helped ME and I recommend it as a way of life. For ALL...
j-
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
