Not only does your H GET IT, but he sees how not to let it happen again and has put that into practice already. To make things even better--he shared all of that with you.
I hope you find ways to let him know how important that all is to encourage more of the same in the future.
How wonderful!! Enjoy the PMA, awsome, just awsome!
I agree with talitsa, the big win is that H is idenitfing ways to stay away from that type of situation again and felt secure enough to share that with you.
(This is the covetted row of grins...I'd have put in the gopher dance, but I'm not sure how )
Kitty, these are MORE than baby steps!!! These are LEAPS!
These are TANGIBLE signs that your H is "getting it", he IS seeing and appreciating the changes in you, he is SEEING how he's made himself vulnerable to inappropriate R's with women in the past and is TAKING a STAND on that right now!!!
Just a thought...when your H thought you were upset, thought he was to blame (in the wrong way!).....what might have happened if you told him the TRUTH?
"H, it's been such a great day, you've helped fill my love tanks and I feel so close to you that It's all I can do not to jump your bones!"....hmmmm wonder how he'd have taken THAT!
Quote: he basically told her that he was in NO POSITION to give her advice on what to do, that this was between her and her husband and that she needed to go to him and fix it. and don't call him (my husband) again. he said that he was that kind of friend in the past but that he could not be that kind of friend anymore
then hubby proceeds to tell me that he realized how easy it was to fall into that trap of wanting to help her, but he stopped it - and he was proud of himself for doing that. he then reiterated to me how much he despises what happened between him and his PA and he even told me that these women knew what they had to do to get him to keep near. they knew the buttons to push to make sure he stayed around, and now he hates his PA for doing that to him, because he really thought he was helping her (at first i guess) - he told me he has come to the conclusion that he was being used and that it made him feel even worse
To which God do I have to pray to have my H receive a similar illumination? That is a HUGE baby step. It is REAL INTROSPECTION!!!! AND WILLINGNESS TO ACT ON IT! But specially it is the fact that HE TOLD YOUUUU, he trusts you not to overreact or make a huge issue and he trusts you with his feelings. Sure you have HOPE!
Congratulations!
BTW, agree with the girls. Jump the man! He deserves it!
Now, seriously. You should find a good time to explain to him why you withdrew yesterday and how much you appreciate not only how he behaved with FF but the fact he told you. It does show he is trustworthy. Remember, men are very sensitive and tend to get weird ideas. You do not want your H to think it was his talking to you about FF what made you upset. It is much better to know that he is SO HOT and IRRESISTIBLE that his W had to get out of the house to avoid eating him alive!
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Ramblings ... nonsense ... this is exciting stuff we are all happy to hear about!
Quote: after that discussion we had a very nice evening together, but at one point i got REALLY hot and heavy for wanting him so i just decided to leave the house and take a walk to calm down.
Now that's what I call exercising great control! ... but I have to agree with all the gals here, the tables have been turned and the climate seemed right to ask for what you want! ... at the very least, I think it would have been better if you shared your thoughts with him rather than letting him misinterpret your reaction as he was trying to read your mind.
Oh Kitti, I think you've just been delivered several of the most gentle 2X4's I've ever witnessed on the BB!!
Maybe it's your "handle", maybe it's your sweet face...but the consensus is: bite the bullet and TELL your H what was really going on for you that night.
I agree with the other, this is great stuff! He's really thinking, working it out for himself and making conscious changes. He's growing! Great, great stuff!!
deb - ha! the thing about the book. it's so funny because when the bomb first happened a good girlfriend of mine (who experienced the same thing and is back with her husband for over two years) told me, "don't listen to what they say, it seems like they are given a book of things to do to their mates and say to their mates to create the most hurt and havok in life - they are just following some MAN code" - this from a woman who does not know about db'n - oh maybe in her own way. they need to have a book on how they get themselves out of this!!!! thanks for visiting deb! always a pleasure!!!
sage - yes sage, i see the difference. i will learn obiwan!
pam = glad my sitch could give you a smile. soon woman, you will be there, it takes um, uh, what? PATIENCE - something i am STILL working on!!! as far as the jumping thing, will be handling that issue in my journaling
tal - i feel the same way. the most important thing he did was tell me. he didn't have to, mainly because NOTHING happened, but he knew it was an issue so he shared it with me. and the other thing is that he didn't have to share all the rest, but he felt comfortable. i at one point grabbed his hand and looked him straight in the eye and said "thank you SO MUCH for telling me this. i know in the past i have not been easy to approach with things like this so i REALLY appreciate the trust" - that took his breath away...i could see it in his face. about the jumping bones, i will explain in my journaling.
water - i am! i am! funny how in the past we would take so much for granted, like those three little words, well, i will NEVER do that again
shiny - and so the velvety 2x4's start. i will approach this subject of why i didn't say anything in my journaling for today. TANGIBLE - yes, it's amazing how this one little baby step (huge leap) has given my spirits and my hope a BIG DOSE of PMA - wow, just being SO AWARE of the little things. it's funny shiny, but in the past, this kind of conversation would not have gone this way. i would be looking for the negatives in everything he said, but this time i truly just LISTENED and i HEARD him!!!
opt - To which God do I have to pray to have my H receive a similar illumination? - oh yeah opt, it's the GOD OF PATIENCE!!! boy, do i see why NOW that PATIENCE is so so needed in our sitches because these people will eventually get it if we aint bugging them about it. about the jumping thing, will be explaining that in my journal, but i don't think i really left him with a feeling that he did anything wrong. gosh, at least i hope i didn't because when i came back in we were just like we were before i took my walk. we had a ball watching a surfing documentary (something we are BOTH into) and it was really nice
kaw - as one of the few guys in this sitch, i think i may need to ask you a few guestions about things, to get a male perspective. but that is for another day. will be handling the why i didn't jump his bones in my journaling...
bill - dude, talking about GREAT STUFF, your R is coming around, and you are doing SO WELL. can you possibly BE CLONED because i know there would be women standing in line for MILES for a guy like you
***********************
first off, i want to thank everyone who comes to my sitch and offered me the whacks albeit wrapped in velvet. i felt each and everyone of them. it took me so very long to respond back to you all because i had to think about why i didn't pursue
to me, in that little instant of opportunity that i had, i had to do a lot of assimilation on the whole day. i felt truly that it was a HUGE turn of events for our r, first with the i love you, then with the REITERATING WHY he said i love you to the whole telling me what happened with his ff and then his introspection on the whole matter
oh my goodness, that was a LOT to happen in a short few hours. it HAD to be hard for him, to get all of that out, and i really felt in that moment, that PURSUING him at that time would have added TOO MUCH to his already FULL plate. i didn't want him to have the added pressure of handling INTIMACY along with REVELATIONS
does that make any sense. i really felt i was being kind. my needs can wait. he knows i want him. i know he can see it in my eyes (i have even told him, but also told him it was up to him when and if he was ready), but he is not ready. and after the day/night of self examination, i just didn't feel like giving him that added pressure
i have been successful so far in practicing patience, and so far i have been rewarded for my actions. one step at a time and i just didn't feel it was the right time
does that make sense? i may be whistleing dixie, but that is how i feel. i am pumped by what happened that night, and i feel like i am watching my husband grow into a man, and sex right now is not an issue for me. it was, but it's not. that will come when he is ready and he has worked out all his demons
whew...that was a long one. i don't know where i would be without this board.
probably in california somewhere with my daughter and far away from him...so thank you all, thank you michele for believing in marriage
)
... but I have to agree with all the gals here, the tables have been turned and the climate seemed right to ask for what you want! ... at the very least, I think it would have been better if you shared your thoughts with him rather than letting him misinterpret your reaction as he was trying to read your mind.