On being the best O'Dog I can be #2

[orangedog]

Random thoughts:

If I had to boil it down to one fatal event it would have been the argument mid-summer. Youngest asked "Dad, are you ever going to move back with mom?" I answered "Maybe, maybe not. Who knows?" Wife just lost it after this and accused me of giving the kids false hopes. W uninvited me to go with family on long-weekend vacation (in hindsight I'm glad I didn't go) and said she'd proceed with divorce paperwork.

When I mentioned this to P-doc at recent med check his attitude seemed to hint that comment was the worst possible thing I could have said.

I think her response after this argument really ended it for me. If I was holding on to any rope I dropped it after that.
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Separation utterly killed any progress. I felt like I was doing well towards getting us to spend time together and talk but after the move-out, we spent one weekend together with kids, part of an afternoon at a movie, and that was it.

I feel the separation helped me in some ways. I am a lot calmer. I do a lot of fun things. I feel the time I spend with my kids is richer. But it's lonely at times and not what I wanted.
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She's so intent to fast-track this thing to provide "clarity". She apologizes often. Like she has to justify this or something.

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There are some indications that she is struggling (billable hours low, moody, and a few other stats).

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Initially I thought we could continue to be friends or almost family-like after all I knew her for 18 years. However I can't do it right now (or ever?). I had incorrect attachments to that possibility and the best way I can handle it is to detach completely. A H/W relationship is not the same as a family-like relation. All that negative stuff (sep and D) seems to overshadow the other connections.

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I let go of the rope shortly after move-out. Any relationship after that was up to her. I think she expected me to do something but I felt I'd done what I'd done and if she wanted anything else then it was up to her. If you want to be friends then be one. Otherwise I'm content to let you go on your happy way.

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Reconcile? Well never say never but I feel I'm past that and I feel her comment when she delivered the paperwork ("You never know, couples get divorced then ending up remarrying each other all the time.") was just trying to deliver a nicety in the midst of bad news. Kinda like the cop saying, "Have a nice day" after he's written you a ticket. There's too much negative inertia. BFF is settled in for good. Paperwork in progress (maybe even signed this week?). Separate lives. Extended families seem to have bought into sitch. And she's pretty stubborn.

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Whatever!