Magnificent

[mishka422]

I mop the puddle up with bleach water and pour bleach on it every day. It's so gross. I've tried amonia too but it doesn't work as well as the bleach.

[mishka422]

MY BABY STARTED HIGH SCHOOL TODAY!!!!!

I think I'm going to be sick. I have a tradition with him that I almost forgot to follow this year. It's not a big deal, but I get up early and make him whatever breakfast he requests for the first day of school. Like I said, not a big deal, but it's special. I forgot to ask him yesterday because I was out running around trying to find a backpack since his from last year had a big rip down the side I didn't see until I started to pack it up. He had gone to bed and I realized at 10pm I hadn't asked him. I whipped up a cinnamon coffee cake and boiled eggs. He was in 7th heaven.

I'm not looking forward to high school homework. I swear I didn't have college classes that were as hard as some of theirs. I realized just how stupid I am when I got his scientific calculator out and didn't know what 3/4 of the symbols on it meant. I've never been good at math, but heavens sakes! That's ridiculous!!!

While I was running around yesterday looking for this darned backpack I realized that the calculator I had bought him had gone on sale for $40 less in a few stores so I took the original back and got that refunded and went to get it at the store it was on sale at. SOLD OUT! I decided right then and there that Gabe was just going to have to help in the search so I called him and asked if he would go to that store in his town and see if they had it while I ran to the town in the opposite direction to see if they had it. Can't get through on the phone to them EVER so no choice. His first comment about me asking? "I don't have any money so what do you expect me to do about it." Good grief! I wasn't asking him to buy it, I give up on ever seeing a cent in CS from him and as much as I would love to have his a$$ thrown in jail, there just isn't any point. Not like anything would change except that it would be time he still couldn't pay and would then have a record and not be employable at all. So.....I just told him never mind, I'd run around myself looking for it myself since it was obviously more than he could deal with and hung up the phone. I'm done being nice and kind to him. I'm not coparenting with him anyway. He's not parenting at all since Marc won't even go to his place anymore.

Sorry....run on sentences and frustration abound.

I'm scared to death to go to counseling tomorrow. I have no idea what to say, how to explain what these horrible feelings are that I can't seem to compartmentalize into something manageable. When I try to define them to myself they just sound totally pathetic, ridiculous, and pointless. They are, I know they are, but I still can't get rid of them. Saying it out loud to someone seems impossible.

We'll see.......for those of you who pray, please pray for me to have clarity of thought tomorrow.

[MichelleLT]

MY BABY STARTED HIGH SCHOOL TODAY!!!!!

YAY!!!!!!

I have no idea what to say, how to explain what these horrible feelings are that I can't seem to compartmentalize into something manageable. When I try to define them to myself they just sound totally pathetic, ridiculous, and pointless.

THEY AREN'T. You are in a crappy situation, with a mom who depends on you, a son who depends on you, an ex who won't help you out with the time of day. OF COURSE you are overwhelmed.

It will be VERY good to go and vent. To be able to be vulnerable with someone instead of trying to be strong all the time. We all need a break, a shoulder, some help sometimes. And you are not super-human as much as you try. So go, and talk, and vent. And then go back.

You mentioned cost a couple posts ago, I thought this was through your church? What about talking to your pastor instead?

[mishka422]

It was my church that referred me but it's not through the church directly. It's a sliding scale payment and I'm hoping I can get it reduced but it's not likely. They've already reduced the costs for my first two visits by more than half of their normal fee.

They felt that I needed a licensed social worker at minimum to talk to instead of a peer counselor because of the suicidal thoughts I experience.

[MichelleLT]

Okay. Fair enough.

Since you have 2 dependents (mom and son) and your exH isn't paying CS I should certainly expect that they would reduce it somewhat lol.

But probably won't hurt to also talk to a peer counselor or your pastor for free too (other than coming up with the time to do it).

I just want you to feel better. I wish I could fix it for you lol. So, keep your options open and take care of you.

((((((Michelle)))))))

[Reincarnated]

Mish--
Please ask about CBT. It is short-term therapy, almost like taking a class. Here is a link that explains some of it:

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section...;ContentID=7952

It is specifically designed to help combat the thoughts that you are experiencing, from the worthlessness to the suicidal thoughts. It is action-based - that you can DO something about it, in the here and now.

I have to dig a bit, but I think I can find the materials that were given to me.

You might be able to find a social worker who is trained in it who will hold a weekly group session in it (I think it is 8 or 12 weeks) - then they are committed to be on-call to help you implement any of the techniques afterwards....

[dday101798]

-mish,

I know I certainly have no grounds to talk after what transpired for myself recently, but please, please chin up. Hell I know it's hard, but somehow you need to find the positive in all this mess. Yea, I know even the concept of something positive sounds like a joke right? But there is, find it.

[mishka422]

Yeah Dylan, you're right, positive does sound like a bit of a joke. I have been trying to find it, to grab on to something good but it's just doesn't seem to materialize. Trying.

Donna, thanks for the CBT suggestion. I will bring it up tomorrow, assuming I can even find my tongue, and see if it's something they offer or can refer me to.

Michelle - I've talked to the pastors at my church which is why they referred me to this center. They were kind and compassionate but what I'm dealing with is, in their words, 'more than they are trained to handle'. I pray with them and have told them everything I was comfortable enough to tell them. I alluded to the trauma at 17 but didn't get specific with them. I'm sure they got the picture though because I found myself physically shaking trying to spit it out. They are wonderful and so kind but they're right, this is going to take a little more specific guidance to get through.

I have to work tonight. I'm so bummed because I'd love to go home and get the lowdown from Marc about how his first day was. I won't get to talk to him until tomorrow. He probably thought he was going to starve to death today. He is a bottomless pit and eats nearly constantly so going from 7:15a until 1:30p with no food is a LONG time. He got stuck with the last lunch shift. When his cousins heard that they were razzing him and telling him that it was the 'worst' lunch to have because it's so late and take a snack. Oops....forgot a snack. Maybe he'll lose a little weight this way. He's been porking it up all summer and none of his clothes fit!

[dday101798]

He had gone to bed and I realized at 10pm I hadn't asked him. I whipped up a cinnamon coffee cake and boiled eggs. He was in 7th heaven.

I'd certainly say that's something positive, no?

[MichelleLT]

I'm sure he'll get used to having a late lunch. Maybe since he's a big kid now and in high school, you can make it part of his routine to pack himself a snack.

Breakfast sounds like a big hit. That's definitely a positive.

But it's hard to focus on that when you feel overwhelmed by the negative. Something on one of the CBT websites really hit home with me though - when you are upset about situations/circumstances in your life, you actually have twice as many problems. The situation and the fact that you are upset. Definitely makes me more determined to try and at least be calm instead of upset about things! Lol.