Trying to stay strong

[hopeful_cb]

Thanks Mac, its great to know i can vent and lean on people here when needed. And yeh i finally got myself on FB to have a look around.

Journaling...
I was thinking just last night that I need to de-H the house more. I was thinking H's stuff + black garbage bags + empty space in the closet= good idea...just gotta get the energy to do it now. I can't believe he still has clothes in our, well 'my' closet and drawers in the bedroom. People keep telling me I am being way too nice and that if it were them it would all be on the curb by now.

I know theres no code book to decipher his tripe anyway, at least half the time i dont think HE even knows what he's on about. Letting it go.

I guess keeping contact even if it is just 'business' stuff is ok, it just makes me angry. he switches so fast from friendly to distant...maybe thats a sign of being 'conflicted' lol or just selfish! Some days his behavior is so ridiculous i just have to laugh. At least I can still laugh.

Several weeks ago when he did stop by he said oh ill just grab some of my clothes, i was like ok errr...and showed him the closet with his pile of clothes on the bottom of the closet(where he left them, thats how he 'keeps' them) and the rest was taken over by my clothes that I'd hung on what used to be his side. And then I said oh I put the rest packed up in an old suitcase for storage. He just stammered oh ok, nevermind then I'll just leave it. That seemed to throw him off a little, but *newsflash* you dont live here anymore so its my space now!

I am glad I've asked for the keys back. Just need to follow that thru this week. I feel less worried about being away when I know I am in control of my own place. If he asks why I'm going to let him know I have arranged for someone to stop and pick up my mail, etc while I'm away. I'm sure he wont ask, but if he does....maybe I should just be honest if he does ask and tell him bc I dont trust him! Ok Ok, stop thinking about things that havent happened and probably wont!

And if H mentions about my family or the baby at all then I'll tell him about it, if not, his lose. One thing he stated he definitely will miss is my family. They are more of a family to him than his own most the time and he was always so touched by how giving they all are and how much they gave to him in so many ways. We used to usually be visiting my family at his bday time in the summer and they'd always throw him a big party. Even the 1st year he was w me they threw a big party got him gifts and even made him a cake. He just couldnt believe it, his family aren't like that, you're lucky if you get a card let alone a phone call. anyway like I said his lose. And I know he def felt it this year when he was pretty down about his bday. I felt really sorry for him, but have to keep remembering it was his choice.

I know that H went down to his home town this weekend, found out bc the account he books his tickets on still sends emails to me about the bookings. He must of booked it last min bc it was pricey, he made a point of not telling me where he was going, just that he was 'away' so well whatever, i know now. Wonder if he saw any of 'our' friends (they havent spoke to me since he left so i guess they really arent my friends) or if he was just seeing family. cant help but wonder if he went on his own. surely he must of...ok ok again STOP this!! *Stop thinking* Move on...

Anyway got off on a few tangents there....
My focus for the week is to get everything in order for going away and that includes cleaning the house so its nice and clean to come home to, paying some bills, returning library books, laundry, packing and last min apts before I go. So will be busy organizing all week after work! But thats ok, that is something I am good at! Hope everyone is having a good monday!