I backslid "BIG." I said "how do you sit here comfortable with the idea that it is some other woman with me hanging out with our neighbors next summer?" She went into the schpiel about she's not going to be alone forever (btw...I am the only man she has ever been with), she knows her path to happiness etc. She doesn't know why I am fighting this.
Yes, that was a back slide. At least you recognize it. Don't let it happen again. You let yourself do this - she didn't bait you into it.
Oh, and what she said, all script. I have heard exactly the same things from my W.
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The next day we got into it again. I have given her space for months and we have just gotten further apart.
Have you, or is this your perception of it. Not taking steps towards D is not moving further apart. She needs this time to work through her issues. You need this time to work on you.
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She finally lit into me about how unhappy she has been and how she is so resentful toward me. How she has been so hurt and will never allow herself to be in that position again.
This is good. She needs to get this out.
But, this is bad:
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Once again , told her that I had no idea that she was hurting back then. I apologized.
Don't defend yourself or be defensive. Just validate her feelings. You telling her you did not know she was unhappy is defense. Accept the blame, even if you know you don't deserve it. For now. Instead of being defensive, just say "I understand."
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She said she has seen the changes that I have made, but it hasn't changed how she felt. I told her that a few months of changes (biggest changes in me in last 2 1/2 - 3 mos) are not enough to overcome 10 years or more of hurt.
First, this too is from the script. I have heard nearly the identical phrase. Second, time - it will take time. Third, why hasn't she left if the changes are not enough to overcome her pain. Maybe they are, maybe they aren't, but she's still there.
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I asked her to please give us a chance and spare our son from having to go through this.
I understand, but you do not want her coming back out of a sense of guilt. You want her to want to come back. Otherwise, you WILL have this problem again. It's only a matter of time.
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But she kept asking me to basically condone her leaving...tell her it's OK. I wouldn't and she started yelling at me. "F-You!" she kept yelling. I kept quit. then said "I'm so sorry that I've hurt you."
Some good and some bad here. The not OK'ing her decision to leave is definitely good. But, the apology that you hurt her is not. She knows that already. Let her get her anger out, but when it gets to personal attacks, draw the line there. Tell her you are sorry she feels the way she does, but that you will not stand by and let her insult/personally attack you, then walk out of the room. If she hadn't gone with the F-bomb, you should have told her you understand what she wants to do, you do not agree with it, that you will not resist her choice, but will not assist her in that.
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At one point she said she was filing this week. I cried. I said I don't want S7 to have to go through this since we have never tried to work on this together. All we have done is "take space" and drift further apart. She kept going on about her "path" and eventually threw herself on "her" bed and cried, fine I'll stay here unhappy forever. I'll die unhappy. I tried to tell her that we don't have to be unhappy. None of us do. Please work with me to save our family and find happiness for all of us. She just yelled "I'm not leaving...I'll stay here unhappy forever!"
Don't know if she'll file, but I doubt it.
Right now, she needs space, and a lot of it. I do not think the talk you had re the issues and getting them out there was a good idea. Sounds like she's still pretty hurt and angry. Just back away and let things calm down. You aren't going to be able to reason with her or convince her you are correct.
I know that's a lot, and I don't want you to think I am jumping on you. I'm not. But, you HAVE to stop the R talks. HAVE TO. If she wants to bring it up, listen, and I mean just listen , and validate. Time to fall on the sword, not go on defense. If you defend, the same argument will be replayed. She will come to you when she is ready to talk about the R. But SHE must be the one to initiate it, not you.
