Newbie (again)

[dday101798]

Thanks again all, and I hope I can repay the favor some day.

Yes again and agreed, it seems to take the worst of events/feelings/circumstance to finally turn a corner and let life just go on.

All in all, things are still well.

Communication with XW is at an all time high since the S. She is outwardly trying to say something, but just not willing to do so. Not that it matters, what is between us is what it is. However, the overall comfort level is up. Heck, we've even been randomly calling each other about sales or what not. We've even been exchanging random 'gifts' and compliments to each other.

The kids on the other hand, are having a bit of a pull with things. S12 has been calling daily to come get him and do something like grab a bite to eat or what not. I had to stop at XW's twice last week for off the wall reasons just so they could get a few minutes in with me. S11 proclaims more over that he wants to be by me.

XW voluntarilly let me have them over for the night last Friday, that was nice. So I'm not sure if the fact they can't see their father when they want is really starting to naw away at her, or if she's simply overwhelmed having to deal with family issues "alone", or both who knows. She still has control issues with them when I'm talking to them on the phone.

I just know something is rattling around in her head. Last Wednesday I was supposed to stop by "her house" for a moment. But when I called her to let her know I was a few minutes away, she said she was at "our" house and if I could meet her there. Ugh, did my stomache drop to think of going back there. For some reason she seems to be spending quite a bit of time there lately. I still vow to never set foot near that place again, parked a few houses down and waited for her.

Anyway, she gave me my bike back that was supposed to be returned months ago. It's completely trashed, but salvageable. So we were just small talking and she asked me for a cigarette as she didn't have hers. I took note again to her ring and finally asked if that was her engagement ring. She somberly replied "yes, well not anymore". She says she broke off the engagement, isn't sure what to do, is scared, but 'he's a very nice, caring man". I think I ate my tongue for dinner hearing all that.

We didn't get into any talk of "us" per sae. The few times it did, I went with my usual standing, it is what it is. We talked about work and life in general, my point being trying to find another job so I can finally get out on my own, she asked as she has done many times of where I'd move to. Each and every time my answer has simply been back in to town here, this is where I belong and where the kids want me. But standing so close to that house made me openly question if I could or not. XW has also indidcated she wants me to move back too and even offered up employment sugestions. I just said we'll see.

So, that's it in a nutshell overall. Just finally living for me and my boys as things are now, not how they were and how I felt they should still be. Just making the best of it. And, so far, the approach is not only good for me, but the boys, and now a more 'lax relation' with someone who I have to get along with no matter what the situation.