Oh man it is totally difficult. It is probably the hardest thing I have ever done in my life and no doubt yours too. Do not worry about what she is thinking. That sort of behavior will get your stomach into all sorts of knots. Believe me when I tell you that once you start letting her wonder what you are thinking it will be so much more clear. Confusion is part of life. Be thankful that she came back to you. Be thankful that she is conflicted and hasn't made up her mind. Be thankful that you have the ability to show your leadership directly. My wife told me that when she asks me for advice she doesn't really want it that advice i give her, rather she just wants my POV. She has also told me that unsolicited help to "fix" things does not help as she feels dumb after.
Orich If a miracle happend overnight and your situation was fixed, how would you live your life after that? Do you think you will fall into the same old routine after a couple of years? If you found out that you only had 2 weeks to live, what would you do, even though your wife may not know?
I would live my life differently in that I would first of all be less co-dependant. I would make more decisions concerning the family than before. And I would not take my W for granted. I would show her how much she means to me daily. I would not fall back into the old routine because it would scare me to death. If I had 2 weeks to live, I would put all of my cards on the table, show her everything I have and let her do with that what she pleased. If she still rejected me, it wouldn't matter. If I did this for real now, and she rejected me, it would be too much for me to bear.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Don't be afraid. Be fearless. Maybe this will help: Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear
is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness,
that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?
Actually who are we not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small doesn't serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine as children do.
We were born to make manifest
the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And when we let our own light shine,
we unconsciously give other people
permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear,
our presence automatically liberates others.
This was beautiful.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Why do I have this feeling of dread right now? I shouldn't let anything bother me this way. I just ate lunch and I feel like I might lose it. Was that texting that significant? I have a lot more work to do on this DBing.
Read this Orich. You do have more work to do, but you can do this.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Wow, thanks Wifey. I am printing it out and reading it over and over again. I also bookmarked the page. I have been doing relatively well, lately. This thing just threw me for a loop for some reason. I guess I feel guilty, like I was sneaking around behind her back. I shouldn't feel this way, I know...
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
You know, one of the worst things about this whole situation is that whenever I was hurting in the past, I would go to W who would always help me get through it. Now I am going through the worst pain I can imagine, and not only can't I go to W for support and comfort, she is the cause of it!
Sorry to rant, it's turning out to be a not-so-great day.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
Then it is safe to say that self healing would be a huge 180 for you? For you to stand on your own 2 feet in the face of insurmountable pain, would be something your wife will notice!
You know, one of the worst things about this whole situation is that whenever I was hurting in the past, I would go to W who would always help me get through it. Now I am going through the worst pain I can imagine, and not only can't I go to W for support and comfort, she is the cause of it!
You won't think it now but one day you will be grateful for this experience. You can handle it.
Coach
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I would live my life differently in that I would first of all be less co-dependant. I would make more decisions concerning the family than before. And I would not take my W for granted. I would show her how much she means to me daily. I would not fall back into the old routine because it would scare me to death.
So, what's stopping you from doing that right now? You don't get another life, O. Make the only one you've got the one you want.
Don't pursue, but you can show her your love through your strength. Work on detaching. It's the only way. The alternative is to stay where you are now - miserable. It doesn't mean you will not have bad times. It means you will be able to deal with them, they will not be as frequent, and they will not be as severe. I know it is hard to do that, but it is the only way to save YOU and to have a chance to save your M.
You can do this.
O, this is one of my favorites, especially when I'm low:
IF you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you, If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too; If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated, don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise: If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim; If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same; If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build 'em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings And never breathe a word about your loss; If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, ' Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch, if neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much; If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
I know I can get through this, today is just a bad day. All because of that stupid phone call. And I am tired, that doesn't help. Anyway, I'll certainly post after I speak/text to W again, let you know what happened.
Me-40 W-41 Together-10 M-8 S-6 S-4 Bomb 5/08 Bomb 10/08 Thought things were better, was wrong. Still living together Wife doesn't think she will ever love me again.
