SD,

Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl

He needs to know unequivocally that while you understand his anger and frustration with his mother, you DO NOT respect or condone the manner in which he's expressing it. He needs to know that just because she is making bad choices DOES NOT MEAN he should or is free to make equally bad choices. He also needs to know this doesn't mean she wins; it means HE wins because he is making choices to make his life better.


I agree with this ABSOLUTELY. I was not defending his POV, merely stating it. He has told me point-blank he wants to make her miserable even if it makes him (and others miserable). I am trying to convince him that he LOSES by that approach; but, it is where he is coming from.

Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
Forgive me, because you really don't know me...but I'm going to ask you a few questions, and I want you to search for true answers for yourself....


I welcome this approach! Thanks!

Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
*If your son didn't have a B-P diagnosis, would you accept his behavior?


I don't think it's acceptable whether or not he is B-P. I hope my e-mail above conveys that...

Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
*If your younger son were making the same choices, would that be okay?


He is modelling after his brother and it is not acceptable. He directs more of his anger toward me (not that that is why it is equally unacceptable... LOL).

Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
*Is there some part of you that...hmmm...is enjoying the retribution on his mom because you're hurt/angry and unable to do the same because you're the adult?


Ah, now this is a profound question. I would like to say no, but, at some level it may well be true. I am more troubled by the feeling I have that she won't let him express his feelings and tries to convince him he's wrong to feel the way he does... It's not so much that I enjoy it, but his real message doesn't bother me (its "packaging"... the aggression and the vile language do bother me).

Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
*If the shoe was on the other foot and your S was behaving like this toward you, how would you feel? What would you do differently?


SD, I get my share of it from him, too. And, it feels awful (if you read what I wrote before about his "hate letter" to her, you would know that I empathize. It's awful for any parent to hear the things he has said and written.)

In all honestly, what I do differently is I let him express himself. I listen to him and he doesn't go down the same path. I take him somewhere else to talk, because the vile words to me are a sign that things are going to escalate and in and of themselves don't bother me. I try not to engage at that point unless I can talk to him one-on-one. I have become a better father through this ordeal. She is so adamant about defending herself that he doesn't feel heard. Doesn't make him right. It just is what it is... the dynamics.

Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
HER bad behavior does not excuse HIS. Period.


100% agree... It is a lesson I am trying so hard to get him to understand. As you point out, it is modeled for him, just as he models for his siblings.

Originally Posted By: SDFoundGirl
Standards of behavior don't waver...we sympathize, but we don't condone. We help people we love learn how to overcome their challenges.


Yes.

-AlexEN


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