pam - thank you ever so much for your rays of sunshine yesterday, they were very much needed...and thanks for having more confidence in me than i have in myself!
cathy - i know cathy, i really should be happy with the small baby steps, but it's so damn hard sometimes, i just want to scream - thanks for stopping by my sitch
kaw - well this brought tears Think about what that would be like. What do you picture the three of you doing then? What do you picture is different between you and your H then. Is that something worth shooting for? - hubby has two sons from a previous marriage that we have custody of, but you know there is something about a daughter that is different. i know he loves his kids all the same, but i think there is something different with his daughter. i want her to have a daddy, i never did, and i hate that i lived life the way i did and i vowed when she was born that she would never have to live life like me. so i guess in reality i am living that vow. no matter what, he is a dad that loves her and takes good care of her. i want us to be together on her wedding day, i guess that is what i look towards. i want us to share grandchildren together - i want to be good grandparents that made it thru crisis and hung on. i guess i got my answer eh? thank you so much for the reality check
sage - another reality check. just knowing you suffered thru the same feelings that i am going thru actually makes me feel better. i sometimes feel like i am the only one in the world that feels this certain way, and to look at you and your sitch now and see the progress you have made, makes me willing to hang - thank you oh most wise one
shiny - see post above! LOL - but really, knowing that the old vets around here suffered the same gammit of emotions is comforting. and look at you now! thank you so much again for reality
deb - HAHA - i couldn't sleep this morning so i came to the boards...oh my, call that an addiction
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ok, can i say i am feeling better today? not all the way, but yes, better. there is a knot in my stomach because i just want to walk away from it all, but i looked at my daughter while sleeping this morning and said to myself, i can make it thru another day of this because of you.
which leads me to positives
1) while laying there with daughter, she wakes up and gives me a huge smile and hug because she saw me there. then about 15 minutes, hubby comes walking in, and lays in the same bed with both of us, so both of us were enjoying our daughter together. he let me lay my hand on his arm and didn't flinch or pull away, that was nice
2) last night he was in his "sanctuary" and i asked if i could join him, he told me "yes, that would be nice" so i took a book and a blanket and spent a long time in there with him while he was doing his thing - it was bedtime then, so i got up and hugged him goodnight - he came to bed about 10 minutes later. i am assuming he just wanted to be with me
3) we were talking last night about the love children have for their parents. he mentioned something about children love their parents because of the parents taking care of them thru life, and that children really don't understand what real love is until they have children of their own...
now i ask you all here. seems to me he was making a comment about unconditional love, something i am really working on at the moment. do you think there could have been any meaning to his statement???
just curious, not that any of you would have the answer, but curious none the less
