Those are very fair questions... It may be easier to answer this way, by sharing the exchange we had afterwards...
W sent this shortly after sending the first e-mail:
Quote:
"When S14 says something like: "Why should I listen to you?" and then continues negative behavior, or refuses to do what I've asked him to do, if he'd made that kind of remark to you, and I heard it, I would say something like "Because he's your father, he loves you and you should respect him." Not saying a word condones the negative behavior.
I also believe you made a big mistake letting him beat on you last weekend. I still have flashes of that in my mind, and it disturbs me. Letting him beat you until you're black & blue and bleeding sends the wrong message. If he's angry, he needs to learn to channel that anger appropriately...if he needs to be physical, then it should never be towards a living thing! I was mortified as I watched and yet I couldn't intervene....were shooting me looks that clearly said I should stay out of it. I wish you'd consult your team of experts about their opinion on this. I'm still shaken by it. And the worst part, is that he got away with doing that without consequence. I do not want our son to turn into a monster, and unchecked negative behavior could eventually do that... especially since he's always been more self-centered and less empathetic than his siblings."
To which I responded...
Quote:
W,
This is a trial and error process with S14. It always has been. While I wouldn’t describe it as letting him beat on me, I WAS trying to deflect his anger away from you and away from himself. I’m sorry you are still disturbed by it. Perhaps that approach didn’t work, but I tried. Would I try that way again? If I thought he might otherwise hurt you or his siblings AND he was already out-of-control, I might… But when the methods we’re using aren’t working, we need to try others.
I don’t think it was without consequence, perhaps not the way you look at it, but he apologized to me (sincerely I might add and without being asked) because, IMO, he was mortified by what he had done. In this instance, seeing what he had done seemed to carry more weight than any words WE tried at the time. Yes, learning to channel one’s anger appropriately is something we should all strive to do. In most instances, it is the externalization of one’s own internal pain. The problem with S14 is that it is that much harder for him to channel appropriately. We’ve known that; it’s always been difficult to remind ourselves that he doesn’t CHOOSE to act this way. No one could; it’s even more difficult for him. He is hurting… a lot. There’s a fine line we need to walk. Am I willing to cut him a little bit of slack right now? Yes, more than I otherwise would… because the counsel I’ve received is that he needs to express, not repress.
I’ve often told him exactly as you suggest – that he can’t treat you the way he does and he can’t be aggressive to his siblings. That I don’t do it in front of you, doesn’t mean I don’t do it. You are not the ONLY one giving him this message. To me, he seems much more receptive to that message when he’s calmed down. We have had very lucid conversations about it. I have found that it carries more weight AFTER the fact, not during. When he’s in that mode (and flooding himself), he isn’t receptive to the message. It doesn’t mean I condone his behavior (I am appalled and he knows it by his aggression and by his language; I’ve specifically told him that his feelings and what he’s trying to express get lost by how he does it) and he KNOWS I do not condone it (for that matter, S9 does, too; as I find his defiance troublesome, too. Just because he apologizes for it, it doesn’t make it acceptable). It seems to me every time he is reprimanded WHILE in a tizzy, things escalate.
I am very concerned about him, too. I worry about his future behavior, too. It will be influenced by all of the messages he is getting now, not just how he is reprimanded when he misbehaves. The onus is not on me alone. I can’t make him listen to you. That is between you and him. I will continue to let him know that I don’t condone the behavior after-the-fact when I think it carries more weight, but, since it is important to you I will remind him while he is in that state, too.
What other consequences do you think WE could agree upon (and enforce separately AND together)? I am happy to brainstorm on that with you… Because I go back to where I started, with S14, we agree that the end game is for him to channel his anger better, but it’s a trial and error process.
-A
-AlexEn
New: What a Weekend
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