Great update....I know, I know, you're thinking..."Does she know who's thread she's on???"
YUP!
Great because you're digging into feelings that NEED to be explored. Like Sage, I too went through this. I would look at CJ and wonder...what am I fighting for? What if he IS right and there's just no spark left here???...What if it IS in both of our best interests to part???
I think this is VITAL kk, you do need to sit with these feelings, but strive not to FEED them by focussing on negatives (not that you ARE!) or letting them run free.
pam - thank you ever so much for your rays of sunshine yesterday, they were very much needed...and thanks for having more confidence in me than i have in myself!
cathy - i know cathy, i really should be happy with the small baby steps, but it's so damn hard sometimes, i just want to scream - thanks for stopping by my sitch
kaw - well this brought tears Think about what that would be like. What do you picture the three of you doing then? What do you picture is different between you and your H then. Is that something worth shooting for? - hubby has two sons from a previous marriage that we have custody of, but you know there is something about a daughter that is different. i know he loves his kids all the same, but i think there is something different with his daughter. i want her to have a daddy, i never did, and i hate that i lived life the way i did and i vowed when she was born that she would never have to live life like me. so i guess in reality i am living that vow. no matter what, he is a dad that loves her and takes good care of her. i want us to be together on her wedding day, i guess that is what i look towards. i want us to share grandchildren together - i want to be good grandparents that made it thru crisis and hung on. i guess i got my answer eh? thank you so much for the reality check
sage - another reality check. just knowing you suffered thru the same feelings that i am going thru actually makes me feel better. i sometimes feel like i am the only one in the world that feels this certain way, and to look at you and your sitch now and see the progress you have made, makes me willing to hang - thank you oh most wise one
shiny - see post above! LOL - but really, knowing that the old vets around here suffered the same gammit of emotions is comforting. and look at you now! thank you so much again for reality
deb - HAHA - i couldn't sleep this morning so i came to the boards...oh my, call that an addiction
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ok, can i say i am feeling better today? not all the way, but yes, better. there is a knot in my stomach because i just want to walk away from it all, but i looked at my daughter while sleeping this morning and said to myself, i can make it thru another day of this because of you.
which leads me to positives
1) while laying there with daughter, she wakes up and gives me a huge smile and hug because she saw me there. then about 15 minutes, hubby comes walking in, and lays in the same bed with both of us, so both of us were enjoying our daughter together. he let me lay my hand on his arm and didn't flinch or pull away, that was nice
2) last night he was in his "sanctuary" and i asked if i could join him, he told me "yes, that would be nice" so i took a book and a blanket and spent a long time in there with him while he was doing his thing - it was bedtime then, so i got up and hugged him goodnight - he came to bed about 10 minutes later. i am assuming he just wanted to be with me
3) we were talking last night about the love children have for their parents. he mentioned something about children love their parents because of the parents taking care of them thru life, and that children really don't understand what real love is until they have children of their own...
now i ask you all here. seems to me he was making a comment about unconditional love, something i am really working on at the moment. do you think there could have been any meaning to his statement???
just curious, not that any of you would have the answer, but curious none the less
Quote: 3) we were talking last night about the love children have for their parents. he mentioned something about children love their parents because of the parents taking care of them thru life, and that children really don't understand what real love is until they have children of their own...
now i ask you all here. seems to me he was making a comment about unconditional love, something i am really working on at the moment. do you think there could have been any meaning to his statement???
Yes children do have unconditional love and we have unconditional love for them. I know it's easier to forgive sons for something than it is to forgive H.
I particulary notice than when son doesn't want a hug, says he doesn't like me, wipes off my kisses...it doesn't bother me because I know he'll always love his mother, now if H would do something like that, well then that's a different story. BUT, I am trying to change this thought perception, it's hard but have been really paying attention to why I feel this way when H does things to push me away. We do need to have unconditional love for our spouses, also, it's just very hard to do some days.
Aren't little ones great! My son is going to be four in December, he's the joy in my life.
Kitti, I couldn't sleep either . Sorry I couldn't chat earlier, I was in the middle of something at work! Much better this morning and will pull up my boot straps and keep going. Only a minor setback. Deb
Quote: Great because you're digging into feelings that NEED to be explored. Like Sage, I too went through this. I would look at CJ and wonder...what am I fighting for? What if he IS right and there's just no spark left here???...What if it IS in both of our best interests to part???
I think this is VITAL kk, you do need to sit with these feelings, but strive not to FEED them by focussing on negatives (not that you ARE!) or letting them run free.
Absolutely. I recall posting about many of those same thoughts and feelings you are expressing. I asked if anyone else here had ever wondered if they really even wanted to try anymore.
Luckily, a lot of people here who were farther along in the process told me that they had had bouts of feeling like they just wanted to give up and walk away. They were glad they didn't, and now I am glad I didn't either.
pam - i see you asked that question in your thread that we talked about earlier, looking forward to seeing the comments...
cathy - I know it's easier to forgive sons for something than it is to forgive H. - i had this same discussion with a fellow db'r the other day. i asked why we felt it easy to forgive children, no matter WHAT THEY DO but cannot forgive our mates. they are both human beings for goodness sakes. we both couldn't come up with reasonable answers. but i am seeing now that it is "unconditional love" plain and simple
deb - WOOHOO - deb, you are HERE in piecing! it's about TIME woman!!! no worries about the im, i am very understanding in regards to those things, if you can, you can, if you can't you can't just let me know
tal - well tal, i consider you one of the vets here that is for sure. and having another join in the chorus of "i had those feelings" too makes me feel tons better. thank you so much for adding your thoughts
water - thanks for stopping by my thread
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as the day goes on, i am feeling a bit better, and those thoughts are leaving.
i tried a meditation this morning, and i felt like a failure with it until i talked to pam and she said she felt the same way after her first time. i found that my mind wandered SO MUCH and i couldn't stay focused
pam told me to keep practicing - that it gets better (thank you pam)
. Sorry I couldn't chat earlier, I was in the middle of something at work!
