What a weekend...

[SDFoundGirl]

Hi Alex, haven't posted to you before, but I've read a little about your sitch. Hope you don't mind me commenting...

Serenity,

Thanks for the post. Very enlightening...

I'm just not sure how equipped he is at the age of 14 to practice these skills.

Your H is starting high school or at least is in 8th grade, yes? Too often we underestimate what "kids" can do if they choose it. My school has a K-8 social-emotional curriculum we use that includes the strategies that Serenity suggested to you, and all of our kids learn how to navigate conflict in this way. That includes the 1st grader with the ED (emotionally disturbed) diagnosis, the bipolar 8th grader I had two years ago, the autistic kids we teach, etc.

Now, it's tougher with bipolar kids because they have all sorts of physical challenges, but it is possible and is probably even more important for them to learn how to manage themselves.

Actions repeated over and over become habits, and I think it's this that your W is concerned about. Not that she's being particularly proactive or that she doesn't have a mountain of her own personal cr@p to deal with. She does, but that doesn't make her wrong. Regardless of her behavior, she does love her children.

It's been my experience that kids with mental health or emotional challenges respond well to very clear, behaviorist-oriented natural consequences paired with reflective-thinking.

For example...if the boundary is that hitting/physically engaging with another person is unacceptable, then maybe the consequence is immediate removal from the situation (like going to his room) and a cooling off period of X minutes. YOU know how long your S needs generally...or maybe you just check in every 15-minutes and take his temperature.

Once he's calm, then you help him process and reflect on what happened. What happened? What triggered it? How might you handle this in the future? What were your intentions? The focus here is on learning from the situation.

NONE of this is punishment. Punishment doesn't work. But your S needs some boundaries and some support in order to learn how to deal with this hand he's been dealt.

As for him using others as an excuse for his behavior:

One thing he has told me he is angry because W seems to point the finger of blame back at him. He resents that and says "Why should I behave" when "She doesn't see that she is making me angry." So, it's a "Why is this all on me?" feeling. He doesn't like that everyone has to accommodate her and is defiant to change his behavior patterns if she won't change hers.
-AlexEN

...what would DB say? He cannot change his mother, and HER actions don't make HIS actions okay. Again, actions become habits. Your S is not going to learn how to make choices based on the notion that the only thing he can control is his life unless you teach him. He IS capable of learning this, but like anything we have to learn, it will take time and consistency.

He needs to know unequivocally that while you understand his anger and frustration with his mother, you DO NOT respect or condone the manner in which he's expressing it. He needs to know that just because she is making bad choices DOES NOT MEAN he should or is free to make equally bad choices. He also needs to know this doesn't mean she wins; it means HE wins because he is making choices to make his life better.

Forgive me, because you really don't know me...but I'm going to ask you a few questions, and I want you to search for true answers for yourself....

*If your son didn't have a B-P diagnosis, would you accept his behavior?

*If your younger son were making the same choices, would that be okay?

*Is there some part of you that...hmmm...is enjoying the retribution on his mom because you're hurt/angry and unable to do the same because you're the adult?

*If the shoe was on the other foot and your S was behaving like this toward you, how would you feel? What would you do differently?

HER bad behavior does not excuse HIS. Period.

Standards of behavior don't waver...we sympathize, but we don't condone. We help people we love learn how to overcome their challenges.

And consider: the younger S is learning a lot about what's okay in your home. We learn from our models....

SD