Well, I did get an e-mail from her today, giving me an update on the kids. It was very cordial, but I can't help but feel she's trying to subtly say "the kids are fine without you - better than ever, in fact. My parents are a perfectly fine replacement father."
1. Part of her problem was that she feels I did too much "here's what I'm going to do, whether you want me to or not." I'm afraid she may take "I will" statements and me seizing the lead like those as me being the self that she wants to leave. I'm trying a 180 by giving her more control.
2. If I told her I was going to call to talk to the children, I'd never get to. Her parents are already screening calls through their phone mail - they have the phone turned off. The only way I'm going to get to talk to my kids on the phone is if she allows me.
3. However, I am making it quite clear in what little communications we do have that I'm busy, have a life, and am not sitting around depressed waiting for her to come back. I've started performing music in public again, something I haven't done for 5 - 6 years, for one thing. I tell the kids all about it in my letters to them - I have no idea if she's reading those as well.
The main problem is that, with her parents, she has all the control. It may work in my favor if it does go to court that she in essence lied to me to get the kids away from me, and then cut off all my contact, but I don't know.
Do you have a court order against you that stops you from seeing the kids?
Seriously unless she has something like this against you, then this is pretty much against the law.
She can't stop you from seeing the kids or talking to them on the phone.
What's wrong with you? Wake up! Her parents are not your kids parents. How did custody get determined? Maybe I'm late to this thread but have you been locked out of custody totally? If so how did that happen? Are the kids out of town/state? Who agreed to this? Why isn't anyone else making noise about this? Unless you're living in some backwards hicktown in bumf_ck idaho, you need to get this situation with your kids straightened out first. Never mind getting your wife back, that's secondary to this issue.
If you haven't spoken with a lawyer yet and neither has she and she has drummed up this child custody thing all of herself, it's illegal.
It's 2009, grab those raisins you call balls out of your wife's purse and start showing that you are the father of your kids by demanding joint custody of your kids and equal & fair visitation. I'm damn sure that you're wife probably wouldn't sit by twiddling her thumbs if the situation was reversed and you had done this to her.
This is definitely a power struggle and it appears you've given all of it away.
The problem is that I'm in Alaska and she's in Arizona, and there's really no way I can get to the kids (if you read my initial post, this was the original plan - only she was supposed to be visiting her parents for a month or so and then come up here in August). My job ends in late September, so I plan on moving there to look for a job if I have to (originally the plan was to stay here, lease the upstairs from my parents and look for a job here).
So, right now, I'm limited to sending letters in the mail. I can't afford to fly down to Arizona every time I feel like seeing the kids.
that was your plan, she obviously had other intentions. Have her bring the kids back, if she wants to go back to Arizona, she can but there is nothing legal about her taking the kids away from you and not giving you access to them by phone or in person. Seriously this almost sounds like kidnapping at this point. Stop waiting, book a flight and get your kids back, let her know your intentions of bringing them back to Alaska if that is where you want to live.
It does seem like borderline kidnapping, but since the plan was to wait until some vague period in between August and October to bring them up, I think I will have a better case once we get to October (once the season is over up here). Plus, I'm waiting to see if I have a job by that point (I'm applying all over the country, so I don't want to bring the kids up here only to move to New York two weeks later or whatever).
But if, once the season is over up here, she still refuses to allow contact, I do plan to make some fight for the kids. I'm lucky in that she cannot legally file for divorce until September, and the absolute earliest we could be divorced is October (unlikely, though). I have some time to see if I can turn this around first. If not, well, then your advice is pretty close to what I was planning already. I do want to talk to a lawyer in Arizona first, though, just to see what kind of case I can make.
Me: 35 W: 31 D10, S7, S2, S11 months M: 11 years Tricked into separation. In Last Resort.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
Have you spoken to a lawyer yet, you seem like a person that hopes everything will work out and not one that goes out and get things done. (not to beat you up, I struggle with this myself). But if this happened to me, I am seeing what my legal options are right now, no way do I not see my children for that long.
It also seems you are scared of pissing her off, time to man up and grow a pair. Protect yourself and your children.
I do plan on seeing a lawyer - in Arizona. Since she can't file until September (of if she tries, the courts have to throw it out) and we originally weren't planning on seeing each other until around September anyway, I am going to see if we can even reconcile a little bit.
But if she does file, or seems like she's about to, then my kids come first. I'll move to Arizona, use the money I'm saving up here to get me started and tide me over for a month or three, find a job down there, and get a lawyer (since if she files, it will be in Arizona).
But until then, I'm going to act like the original plan is still in place - for the kids at the very least, since they apparently still think that's the plan (my wife says she hasn't told them anything yet).
Me: 35 W: 31 D10, S7, S2, S11 months M: 11 years Tricked into separation. In Last Resort.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
LW You are letting your shame/fear take over. Be fearless. Thats what i told Orich. I realized that my main problem dealing with my waw was that i was afraid of loosing her too much. Once you let go of the notion that loosing her is something you have control over, you will know what you will have to do. Do not fear loosing her. Rather accept it and then step into her pain. Stall as much as u can. But don't ignore her. Don't play games as she will know. Detaching is not about ignoring her, from what i can gather it is about coming to terms with the situation and moving forward. The person you fell in love with is not there anymore. This is a new person and if you want her back you have to stop being old you and start being new you. Too much seriousness and not enough laughter will always bring up with wall in her. If you are easy to talk to and light hearted then she will respond. That should be a huge 180 for anyone. The seriousness of this situation is not lost on me, but as i told orich, we have to be men/leaders and not fear the unknown.
Mostly, at this point, most of what I'm doing is based on my mother's advice. She was right when this first started (she kept telling me to back off and give my wife space, but I didn't) and the few really dumb things I've done since then have been ignoring my mother's advice.
My mother says that there have been many times that she's been where my wife is right now, only my mother decided that no matter what, she was better with my dad then without. Since she has pretty much a 100% correct rate so far, I'm following her advice. Right now, she's telling me there's time to fight in the courts if the divorce papers actually get served, but that my wife is feeling so hurt and vulnerable, any aggressive actions on my part will perceived in the wrong way (even if there's no anger behind it - my wife will see it as coming from anger anyway).
However, I did some more research, and when I do go to Arizona, if she or her parents try to prevent me from seeing the kids, that's legally kidnapping. I'm sure her parents may push her to get a restraining order, but that can only happen if they lie in court - I could easily get it dismissed, I'm sure.
I'll keep reporting on what happens, as it happens.
Me: 35 W: 31 D10, S7, S2, S11 months M: 11 years Tricked into separation. In Last Resort.
My story: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1800530#Post180053
Please talk to a lawyer on your rights for the children, he can tell you exactly what you need to do to protect yourself and your children. Your Moms advice is great, but she is not an attorney.
You do not have to let your wife know that you are speaking to an attorney to get legal advice for things that may happen down the road.
