Magnificent

[mishka422]

MY BABY STARTED HIGH SCHOOL TODAY!!!!!

I think I'm going to be sick. I have a tradition with him that I almost forgot to follow this year. It's not a big deal, but I get up early and make him whatever breakfast he requests for the first day of school. Like I said, not a big deal, but it's special. I forgot to ask him yesterday because I was out running around trying to find a backpack since his from last year had a big rip down the side I didn't see until I started to pack it up. He had gone to bed and I realized at 10pm I hadn't asked him. I whipped up a cinnamon coffee cake and boiled eggs. He was in 7th heaven.

I'm not looking forward to high school homework. I swear I didn't have college classes that were as hard as some of theirs. I realized just how stupid I am when I got his scientific calculator out and didn't know what 3/4 of the symbols on it meant. I've never been good at math, but heavens sakes! That's ridiculous!!!

While I was running around yesterday looking for this darned backpack I realized that the calculator I had bought him had gone on sale for $40 less in a few stores so I took the original back and got that refunded and went to get it at the store it was on sale at. SOLD OUT! I decided right then and there that Gabe was just going to have to help in the search so I called him and asked if he would go to that store in his town and see if they had it while I ran to the town in the opposite direction to see if they had it. Can't get through on the phone to them EVER so no choice. His first comment about me asking? "I don't have any money so what do you expect me to do about it." Good grief! I wasn't asking him to buy it, I give up on ever seeing a cent in CS from him and as much as I would love to have his a$$ thrown in jail, there just isn't any point. Not like anything would change except that it would be time he still couldn't pay and would then have a record and not be employable at all. So.....I just told him never mind, I'd run around myself looking for it myself since it was obviously more than he could deal with and hung up the phone. I'm done being nice and kind to him. I'm not coparenting with him anyway. He's not parenting at all since Marc won't even go to his place anymore.

Sorry....run on sentences and frustration abound.

I'm scared to death to go to counseling tomorrow. I have no idea what to say, how to explain what these horrible feelings are that I can't seem to compartmentalize into something manageable. When I try to define them to myself they just sound totally pathetic, ridiculous, and pointless. They are, I know they are, but I still can't get rid of them. Saying it out loud to someone seems impossible.

We'll see.......for those of you who pray, please pray for me to have clarity of thought tomorrow.