In Utter Agony...Long 1st Post

[eternaloptimist]

Sigh...just want to journal my feelings here. It's been almost a week since my husband moved out and I'm trying to stay positive. Is there any hope? I know it is too soon to tell and I have to be patient. Not a problem. Patience is definitely one of my strong suits, as long as I'm not in panic mode. Fortunately, I'm not in panic mode anymore. So, I read DB and DR but feel like I need more advice on how to cope with the separation b/c no one seems to want to encourage me to have any hope that we might reconcile. It seems like most of the DB and DR strategies are for people who are living together. And most of the marriage help books are not for people who are separated. Anyone know of any good books for coping with separation? Maybe that could be Michele's next book????? Please?

Nevertheless, I'm not pursuing and NEVER call or email him, unless it is really critical/timely regarding our son. I make sure every face-to-face and telephone interaction we do have is positive. So far, I have seen some tiny changes. He's less hostile towards me but will try to take some verbal jabs at me. I resist. When we're briefly on the phone, he rages at me that his landline and cell phone connections are horrible. I try to be supportive about that and just say that I hope he can get it resolved soon. At least I don't have the 24/7 rage anymore and me and our son don't have that stress everyday. Still I am getting used to not walking on eggshells all the time.

On Saturday, he took our son for the day. When he picked our son up, my husband asked me where I was going and who I was going with. I did a 180 and didn't share as much as I usually would have and only said I was going canoeing with friends. Going canoeing is a 180 too. He's been surprised at my choice to do more outdoor activities (which was always a frustration for him too since I'm naturally more of an indoor gal) and then he asked if I was going with a "new boyfriend." Boyfriend? I said, no, I don't have a boyfriend. Then at drop-off, literally on his way out the door, he probed me again and asked if I had gone canoeing with a boyfriend! I calmly said, no, I don't have any boyfriend and I'm not looking for one. His response was, well, I was hoping you'd get one so that I don't have to pay the mortgage on the house anymore. Arrrggh...I wanted to scream. All he seems to care about is money. But I should only believe 1/2 of what he says right? And not analyze anything? I didn't get mad. I just said, well, I'm still married to you. So until that is no longer the case, I don't plan on getting into any new relationships. Is this a test? For any of the guys here, is this a test of my loyalty? When he planted a condom in his pocket and set some other as-yet-unknown booby traps for me, he was testing my trustworthiness. Or so that is what he said. I have not taken my rings off and I am keeping my marriage vows. I'm not about to get involved with anyone because right now I need to work on myself and focus on taking care of our son, getting tenure in my job, etc.

The more distance I get from our situation now that he's moved out, I realize how he's held back so many of his feelings from me and been so dishonest with me. Don't get me wrong. I've done my share of lying too. But I was always open about my feelings with him, even if it rocked the boat. The emotional affairs (which he still denies were even emotional affairs) don't even matter in his mind because, as he puts it, our marriage was over anyway. Isn't this just his shame and rationalization to make what he did OK in his mind? He's projected/displaced so much of his anger and resentment about his disappointments and losses on to me. Some of it I deserve (financial infidelity) but definitely not all of it (the loss of his friend to cancer, our friend's violent murder, our miscarriages). I have reached out to him with kindness and loved him through so many crises and he's held on to so much resentment, even about things that happened 12 years ago. I see that now. It's no wonder that we are in this horrible place.

I'm trying to be the kind of woman that any man would be crazy to let go of---confident, sexy, smart, sweet, thoughtful, kind, mysterious, generous, organized, domesticated yet fun-loving too. Gosh, without wanting to seem egotistical, I know that I have a lot to offer, especially love. I bring home a very nice paycheck, I'm very well educated, and I'm loyal. I think all of his friends see that and even his best friend is worried about him because he's going to throw away his family and his life...for what? To be alone, living in a basement apartment with no money or friends. (All of his friends live at least 2 hours away. So me and our son are literally the only people that he knows here because he's not made efforts to make any other friends.) It's not normal to blame your partner for all of your unhappiness, and that is what he's doing. He says that I and our marriage made him a worse person, that I should have made him a better person. To that, I have no answer because it's just such an unhealthy attitude. Unfortunately, I played right into his hands over the past year and got drawn into all of his internal conflicts. I did things, said things, and acted in ways because he triggered my insecurities. So I just reinforced in his mind that I was to blame for all of his rage, when I know that I am not.

Well, back to working on myself so that no matter what my son and I will have a good life with or without him.