Ups and Downs

[Energizer Bunny]

What a LONG weekend.

I went out with friends Friday night (boating). W was home with S7. They were at the neighbor's house hanging out around the firepit with a group of neighbors and their kids when I got home around 10:00. Wife brought S home, but was very cold to me. (She is always cold after IC appt). Then she went back to the neighbor's house.

Saturday was more uneasiness between us. I kept busy most of the day and ended up going to see a movie (GI Joe)with one of the neighbors that night. He and his wife were at the firepit the previous night.

When I got home Saturday W was up and in "her" room. I stuck my hear in to say good night. She began chatting about the night before hanging with the neighbors and other chit chat. Still cold. I backslid "BIG." I said "how do you sit here comfortable with the idea that it is some other woman with me hanging out with our neighbors next summer?" She went into the schpiel about she's not going to be alone forever (btw...I am the only man she has ever been with), she knows her path to happiness etc. She doesn't know why I am fighting this.

The next day we got into it again. I have given her space for months and we have just gotten further apart. She finally lit into me about how unhappy she has been and how she is so resentful toward me. How she has been so hurt and will never allow herself to be in that position again. She said she can see that finding happiness in our marriage would be great, but just kept saying that she is not willing to try. She has already put enough into the M. Once again , told her that I had no idea that she was hurting back then. I apologized. I cried. She cried. I told her I wanted to be the man that she wanted me to be. She said she has seen the changes that I have made, but it hasn't changed how she felt. I told her that a few months of changes (biggest changes in me in last 2 1/2 - 3 mos) are not enough to overcome 10 years or more of hurt. I asked her to please give us a chance and spare our son from having to go through this. We have never addressed these issues together and I agreed that they were all valid issues.

It really seems like she has wanted to see remorse and "payment" for the hurt that I have caused her and going out and GAL has made her MORE angry at me. I think that she wants to see that I am hurting.

I got up in the middle of the night last night to get a snack. She followed me downstairs and started into it again. "I just can't, I know my true path, It's too late..." She made it sound so noble that she is following her "true path." I sat on the floor, spoke softly and just kept saying that I don't want her to be unhappy and I don't want our son to go through this. I empathized with her. She agreed that it was her fault too (lack of communication). But she kept asking me to basically condone her leaving...tell her it's OK. I wouldn't and she started yelling at me. "F-You!" she kept yelling. I kept quit. then said "I'm so sorry that I've hurt you."

At one point she said she was filing this week. I cried. I said I don't want S7 to have to go through this since we have never tried to work on this together. All we have done is "take space" and drift further apart. She kept going on about her "path" and eventually threw herself on "her" bed and cried, fine I'll stay here unhappy forever. I'll die unhappy. I tried to tell her that we don't have to be unhappy. None of us do. Please work with me to save our family and find happiness for all of us. She just yelled "I'm not leaving...I'll stay here unhappy forever!"

She asked me to leave the room.

I have no idea if this is good that we have finally addressed some of these things or if whe is just getting chased further away. She could file today for all I know.

The sad part is that I was just getting 1/2 way good at GAL. Now it looks like that may have added fuel to the fire. She still has so much resentment about being unhappy. I didn't even have a clue that she felt this way prior to the bomb. She used to be an amazing wife.