Not Me...Ever part 2

[The Wifey]

Serenity,

On those "off" days I move really, really slow. I sit and look out the window. I look at the trees, notice the grass, the trees, flowers, and wildlife I find. I linger over my coffee.

I might take a bath and make it as hot as possible. Then I wrap myself up in my softest towel. I enjoy the feel of my bed. I rub lotion all over myself.

I allow myself to be a little numb. I recognize I'm hurting but I don't go there.

The point is to look outward, notice things, colors, details, sounds, how it feels to touch things - rather than looking in.

I use the down days as a reset day. I am gentle with myself.

[Orich]

Serenity,
St. John of the Cross called it "the long, dark night of the soul". Many of us people of faith have experienced it. I am experiencing it right now. I was in formation to become an ordained deacon when the bomb was dropped. Suddenly, where I used to be filled with the joy and conviction of the presence of God, I felt nothing. My personal relationship suddenly seemed to be a sham. I'll admit I am still in this darkness, it runs simultaneously with the Great Sadness. But on the advice of formation leaders and ministers, I forge through this time, knowing that God is there. I continue to reflect on one ordained minister who said he went through this, and suddenly one day he felt the presence of God return in an overwhelming way.
One way I work my way through this is instead of my usual "conversational" prayers, prayers where I just generally spoke to God like I was speaking to a friend, I know pray established prayers. I can't talk to Him like I used to be able to because it is difficult to feel His presence. So, I pray the Rosary daily. At night before bed I pray Vespers. During the day, an Our Father here, and a Hail Mary there. When I get hit with bad news, or start to get very negative about my W, I will say the prayer to St. Michael.
Very importantly, you have to know that you are not alone, that many other people of faith go through this. Look at Mother Teresa. When I first felt the emptiness, it was devastating. But then I read about those others who have experienced it and it has helped. I hope this helps you some. I will certainly pray for you.

[Serenity13]

Wifey...

I just caught myself doing that - Blankly staring out the window...It isn't just one thing on my mind - My mind is racing and the only thought I keep coming back to is self-harm - I can see me sitting in a corner cutting and I am trying to not focus on that - I know that the pain will ebb for a time if I do that but my boys may see it and that is just unacceptable to me...I woke up numb all over and I guess I thought that was over with...I feel so lost and broken and I just can't seem to figure out where to start to even begin to fix this mess...I think your idea of being gentle with myself is perfect and I am going to incorporate that starting today.

Thank you so much - (((Hugs))) to you

[SDFoundGirl]

Try changing the mantra in your head....

I am strong. I am capable. I am healthy. My life is good.

What we repeat over and over in our heads has a way of influencing our actions. Stop thinking about not cutting, and start thinking about how you make good choices.

You may have to correct your thinking many times before it becomes semi-automatic. Stop visualizing the bad, and start visualizing the good.

Some of the best advice my IC ever gave me...

SD

[K4D]

Serenity,

Please get counseling ASAP. That is not a healthy state of mind at all to be in. If you are even contemplating self harm which you say is on your mind. You need help real fast. You can also call the suicide hotline. Please do something though. You have a lot to live for and you don't need to be hurting yourself. This WILL come to pass. Please take care of yourself. So many of us have been down this road. I can tell you that I felt things yesterday about myself and had thoughts of doing to myself that I don't care to admit on here. I moved passed it after talking to Wifey on the phone. I am seeking counseling myself now. It is just a dark hour right now. But it will get better.

Please get help. You have a lot to live for and your boys need you and always will. They need a healthy strong mom.

Kevin

[Serenity13]

Orich...

Your post was very moving to me and I thank you so much for your honesty...I have never heard of "the long, dark night of the soul"...I googled it and now I know...That was absolutely how I have been feeling and I am so glad you were able to put it into words...

It is nice to know that during spiritual growth it is normal.

suddenly one day he felt the presence of God return in an overwhelming way.

This is what I am hoping for.

I am new to my religion but not to my faith and for whatever reason, I figured I would always "feel" His presence...

Waking up the last few days, feeling murky and alone has been tough to take...

I will continue to pray throughout the day in the hopes that I may feel Him next to me again very soon.

You have my prayers as well and again thank you very much.

[Serenity13]

Thank you SD...

After reading what Wifey posted to me I started changing my thinking...

I stopped the yuck thoughts and just focused on the tree I see out the window...

I went and sat outside with my eyes closed pointed to the heavens for a few just to feel the sunshine on my face...

I came back in to a wonderful thoughtful post from Orich...

I came back in to great ideas from you and apparently I have scared K4D (must be his first time here) in what I was thinking so I have to go fix that as well

[Serenity13]

Serenity,

Please get counseling ASAP. That is not a healthy state of mind at all to be in. If you are even contemplating self harm which you say is on your mind. You need help real fast. You can also call the suicide hotline. Please do something though. You have a lot to live for and you don't need to be hurting yourself. This WILL come to pass. Please take care of yourself. So many of us have been down this road. I can tell you that I felt things yesterday about myself and had thoughts of doing to myself that I don't care to admit on here. I moved passed it after talking to Wifey on the phone. I am seeking counseling myself now. It is just a dark hour right now. But it will get better.

Please get help. You have a lot to live for and your boys need you and always will. They need a healthy strong mom.

Kevin

Thank you K4D...

I do have counseling and while I know it isn't a healthy thought pattern for some, it is for me...

As long as I think it and don't do it, I am still winning my internal battle...

If you look back over my stuff you will see I did this as a form of escaping to many emotions (I have bipolar)...

I have done it since I was 17 and while it isn't healthy, it was all I knew for a long time...

I don't do it anymore so please don't worry...

I have found (finally) other productive ways to release the massive amount of emotions flooding me.

[undrdg]

Serenity
I am new around here, but i have been reading your sitch. I am so sorry about what is happening to you.
I feel like i need to make you laugh or something, cuz seriously this stuff is to serious.
You know what tho? When i went to therapy one time, my psychologist said to me "You know? Maybe life isn't for everyone....
Drum roll........
I understand bi polar as my grandmother is that way too. There really isn't any easy way out of the pits. Except maybe to laugh your way out.
I was just laughing my ass of a few minutes ago when my dog farted and woke himself up barking at himself. lol.
Anways, keep your hopes up high. KNOW THAT LIFE WILL NOT BREAK YOU.
I posted this on Orich's thread but i would like to share this with you too:
Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.

Our deepest fear

is that we are powerful beyond measure.

It is our light, not our darkness,

that most frightens us.

We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?

Actually who are we not to be?

You are a child of God.

Your playing small doesn't serve the world.

There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.

We are all meant to shine as children do.

We were born to make manifest

the glory of God that is within us.

It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.

And when we let our own light shine,

we unconsciously give other people

permission to do the same.

As we are liberated from our own fear,

our presence automatically liberates others.

Live by this and you can never go wrong.

[Deep]

Good to hear you're starting to feel better Serenity.

I probably posted this before (in a Retrouvaille related angle). When I was in despair, over the failing M, my own feelings of anger, the person my W had become ... I just vented that it was all too much for me when I met with the R folks for advice late at night 2nd day. I was told "Deep, do you believe in God? ... well if you do, you know he won't give you more than you can bear". NOT what I needed though, I knew I was hurting more than I could take. "Well, He is here with you, in the quiet of your own mind, have you tried telling Him it's more than you can bear, and that you'll carry what you can, and ask Him to help you with the rest?"

I did. And somehow, corny or not, walking up to my room after, it was almost like a physical lightening of the load, somehow. The W and I also happened to re-connect for the first time after I entered the room. I was giving her a routine goodnight kiss, she really kissed back and told me she felt me again. It was among the first of a million small steps back that we are still taking.

Have faith