I was supposed to get divorced tomorrow - part 2

[1853dave]

C-Bart,

First of all, you might need another therapist... I stongly urge you to speak to a DB Counselor - they practice solution oriented brief therapy, rather than the traditional "do what makes you feel good" therapy. Not to knock the traditional therapists, but if you read Michelle's books, she says that she was doing marriage counseling for a long time before she realized that the divorce stats were still 50% even for those people in therapy! So, she started practicing the solution based therapy and started seeing the D numbers drop. That's why we are all here right now.

As for your question, I have noticed a very polarized distribution of opinions. I am told by many folks to just move on, "you deserve better" or "I don't want to see you get hurt..." or "You're too good a guy for her..." - and virtually ALL of those statements come from divorced (and mostly never remarried) people. These people have nothing good to say about their ex's, everything was their fault, they are still bitter, etc, etc... However, the ones who are supportive are mostly happily married people who seem to know the benefits of a marriage. They understand the ups and downs, and many have survived their own rough patch themselves...and most of them have been married for a long time (20+ years).

At least in my situation, with the people I share with, I have noticed a very distinct pattern of this. So, do what I do, and share with only those who support you. You don't need the nay-sayers in your life right now. Even my own mother is wary of what's happened in my life, and has told me not to get my hopes up, "I don't want to see you get hurt..." - stuff you might expect your Mom to tell you. So, while we get along great, I do not share with her anymore. Every now and then she asks, and I tell her that actually, things are getting a little better all the time. She is always surprised.

So, to keep my focus, I stick with people who are supportive (this is good in all aspects of life anyway); find something to do for yourself, so you can spend a little time each day for a little "me" time. Find something you can improve in yourself - I started swimming at the rec center because although I can swim, I am not a real strong swimmer. I started training for another marathon (and I found out last week my W is doing it too - something she was 'hiding' from me until she recently opened up to me).

I also try to have a great time with my kids. I find I can do things with them now that I maybe didn't when the W was more involved. With the W not there to say "No, I don't feel like going today..." I have taken the kids to cook over an open fire, play at the lake, go to a friend's house to ride ATV's and jump on the trampoline; I've taken them horseback riding, hiking, lots of time at the playground or pool...we have fun!

As for me, things are still going ok. I just spoke to W this morning (my Monday AM call...she had to call me back as she was bathing D4) - she sounded nice and friendly, and we spoke a bit about the upcoming week. I told her the real reason I called was just to say Hi, and she sounded appreciative... I also told her I like the hugs we've been giving lately, and also the occasional kiss, and I told her I didn't mean to kiss her so much (I've been giving her a kiss the last few times we've been hugging - and I sense that while it's not a big violation, she's maybe not ready for that) - she said "maybe not so much" (regarding the kisses) but the hugs were OK! YAY!!! Not long ago, touching was NOT ok, and hugs were quite rare, and kisses were unthought of. Now, hugs are perfectly acceptable, kisses OK if not overdone, and she still likes the leg rubs.

I feel as though we are reconnecting. I'm still not living at home yet, but I wonder what will happen when everyone's school schedules and financial tightening begin to converge...which is soon. In a month or less, there will be time/schedule issues, and money issues (as if there weren't already) - I gave her the option that we still have a 3 bedroom condo, and there would be benefits to me living there again, which she acknowledged - but she still needed a little time. I told her I'd like to give her all the time she needs, but in reality, there's still that date set by the courts for the 2nd week of October...D day.

My goal is to make that date go away. As my DB counselor said, if I was living in house with her, there's the benefit also of "proximity" - where I can be home for her to see that I'm the guy she wants to stay married to.

Again, I'm trying to identify what works in my sitch, and what doesn't... Do more of what works, and less of what doesn't. Also, not pushing (like too much kissing) and letting her have the space she feels comfortable with.